00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 183, "Taking Risks and Becoming." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:20 

Hello there, my friends. So glad to have you. You realize this is the last Monday of 2021? What an exciting exciting time! I love this time of year, and one reason I love it is because I have a little a handout, the little worksheet kind of thing that I created, it's called an "end of year review" and I've used this every year for the last theee or four years and it is so good. If I can tell you, it is so good It really helps me at the end of the year to really clarify where I've been and what I've done this last year and what's been so fabulous. So If you would like a copy of this, you have this week and next week. I will attach it to my email. So if you have not signed up for my email, the best way to do that is to go to my website, which is tanyahale.com and at the top there's a button that says "contact." Click on that button and then scroll down just a little bit and it will say "subscribe to my newsletter," okay? And if you put your name there and your email there, then I will send out, I guess just one more week actually, so I will send out this end of year review. So you have until Friday, which would be the first... the 31st... and whatever it is, this Friday. That's how long you have to get on that email list before you will not be able to get the end of your review. I don't have it anywhere else on my site. It's just coming out in my email, so check that out if you want it. And really, my friends, it is so valuable. It is so good. I love it so much. 

02:05 

So with that, as I have been going through and looking at my growth this last year, what's happening, I have been so amazed by my life this last year. And I know that a year ago, when I was looking at my life and doing my end of year review, I looked at everything and I really kind of thought somewhere in my head that you know what, I think that I've just had two of my biggest years of growth ever. And I think that that it's probably going to start leveling off here. And we're going to, we're going to start actually going downhill. And, and maybe I'm not going to be growing so much because I've just grown so much the last few years. And I will tell you that this year has exceeded the other two years for me on a personal level, and my growth, and what I've experienced in my life this last year. 

03:04 

And so I'm going to talk a little bit about that today. This is going to be a little bit more of a personal kind of podcast as I share some of the things that I've gone through and why it has been such an incredible year of growth for me. So I will tell you that last year, I think it was about October, I was working with a coach and just somewhere in the context of our coaching sessions I made a comment where I told her that I wasn't really much of a risk-taker. And she was like, "huh, that's an interesting thought. Tell me about that." And I wasn't thinking much about it when I said that to her, I just was thinking, stating a fact, right? And I could look back on my life and I could say "yeah, I'm not much of a risk-taker." Like there weren't a lot of things that I did. And she said "well, let's just question that," and we started to look at it and I realized that actually I kind of am a risk-taker and yet I always have identified myself as not being a risk-taker. This thought "I'm not a risk-taker" had really been holding me back. But I was identifying with. I don't even know what. At this point I look back and I'm like "I don't know why I would think that," because it doesn't make sense to me now. But as I look back at my at my youth and all those years, I see that as a girl in middle school. 

04:26 

I tried out for sports that I didn't even know how to play and sometimes I made the team, not having ever really played the sports before. I remember as a teenager saying goodbye to a friendship without a contingency plan, without another friend to hang out with and somebody to do things with. When I was 16 I moved away from home to work for the summer in in a place called West Yellowstone, right outside of Yellowstone National Park, and I lived there with my cousin for the summer in a house and we were 16. Crazy, right? I moved away to go to Brigham University, which was about four hours away from my home. And it just, I didn't really know what I was doing. I just got a scholarship and signed up and went to school. I mean, I had no idea. I went on a mission, you know, that required a lot of taking a risk and not knowing what was going to happen. After my mission, when I decided to get married, I actually chose to marry someone that I did not know very well at all, just because I felt like it was the right decision. And, well, if you follow me at all, you know that that turned out in a divorce 24  years later, but that was a risk, right? It was a huge risk to marry someone that I didn't know very well. When we were young and married, we moved to Germany. We lived in Germany for five years and then we moved, lived in several other places in the United States with the military, as he was in the Army. And that's kind of a risk, you know, moving to another country across the ocean away from family and all the things that I knew and loved. 

06:12 

Later on, many years later, I chose divorce and that was a risky move. I didn't know what was going to happen with my children. I didn't know how my finances were going to work out. I didn't know any of that. It was all very unknown to me and yet I still chose to move that direction. After my divorce, I chose to get two life coach certifications. I mean, who's a life coach? I still have people kind of raise their eyes and go, you know, like, you're a life coach, right? But I chose to do that. That was a little bit risky. I invested a lot of money, a lot of money, in these life coach certifications. And then I have started my own life coaching business. Ah, Tanya Hale coaching, right? Here I am. I've started a podcast. I have a business where I coach clients and I do things and I figured out how to do all the stuff. That, to me, was risky. These are all proof to me that I'm a risk taker. 

07:13 

And once I started to reframe my thoughts from" I'm not a risk taker" to looking at all those things and then going, "oh wait, I am a risk taker." I found that things have shifted for me a lot in my life. And the thing that's fascinating about the discussion that I had with my coach about being a risk taker was that it wasn't even a planned discussion. It wasn't something that I brought to her and was saying, "hey, I want to talk about being able to take a risk. "It was just an off the fly comment that I made where I just said, "yeah, I'm not a risk taker." And she's like, "whoa, let's take a look at that." And so that became a huge, a huge piece of the puzzle for me. 

07:52 

So now I have all this proof that I'm a risk taker, right? Taking risks has helped me to move into the life that I love and to the life that I want. And so a year ago, I decided to step into the belief that I was a risk taker and I became more intentional about taking risks. So about October of 2020, because it would have been last year, I decided that I really wanted to have the experience of what it was like to be in a good, healthy relationship. I would not say that my relationship with my ex husband was very healthy, but I decided that I wanted the experience of knowing what that would be like. What would it be like to be in a healthy place where you had good communication, where you were vulnerable, where you could really create the kind of intimacy that I want in a good relationship in my life. And so I decided to start dating, which again is a bit of a risk, right? Especially getting on a lot of the dating sites because you just never know. And there's some scary things on there. But I moved into that. 

09:02 

So going along with that, at the end of every year, after I do my year end review, I choose a word for the upcoming year. And just one word for me to focus on to really pay attention to that year. And last year, the week after Christmas, I decided that my word was going to be "becoming." And I don't know why I felt so drawn to that word, but I have seen how that has played out in my life this last year and I've been so blown away by the becoming that has happened in my life. To me, "becoming" signifies that there is constant awareness and constant growth in my life. "Becoming" means that I am choosing harder paths sometimes in order to create what I want to. It means that I'm pushing myself in the direction that I really wanna go and not just letting life happening to me, but I'm happening to life. I'm creating what I want. 

10:08 

So bringing these two ideas together, the risk taking and the becoming. I was in a place where I was ready to start taking some risks and I was desirous to be becoming the person that I really wanted to be. And so this started in January, like the biggest thing for me. And I was listening to a podcast through the Life Coach School. And there was a concept that was brought up on there that really helped me connect with the idea of connecting with myself at a deeper level and understanding things about myself that I had never understood before, understanding more of what I really wanted in a relationship. And I realized that I needed growth in a specific way if I was going to be able to have the kind of relationship that I really wanted to have, and to become the person that I was seeking to become, there was my word "becoming." So I decided really kind of step up my game on the dating sites, and usually when someone would contact me or I would have the first connection with them, we would go through several days, several pages worth of cute little pleasantries, cute little things. "Well, what do you think about this, and what do you like this, and what do you like to do," all that kind of stuff, right? And I stepped out of that. With this thing of understanding the kind of relationship that I really wanted to have, I  started to be more risky on the dating site. 

11:52 

So I would usually find myself exchanging one or two pleasantries and then I would say, "well listen, I'm not one to beat around the bush much or I tend to be a little bit more straightforward. So here we go," and I would start asking some tougher, more intimate and more vulnerable questions. I would ask things, I mean, they're not like over the top, but more things like, "what do you think is your greatest weakness and how does it impact your life?" Like "what are some of your greatest highs and lows in your life thus far?" So I kind of got past the pleasantries of "what bands do you like to listen to and what kind of movies do you like?" And none of that. And I started moving into more in-depth questions that asked more difficult questions. And this is what I found. Men who did not like that and who were not interested in that kind of a relationship dropped out of my feed pretty quick because they were like, "whoa, I'm not ready to play at this level." But I found that the men who wanted that kind of a more deeper, intimate kind of relationship that I was seeking for would stick around and they would jump in and they would say, "okay, I can play this game. I can answer these questions and I can ask tough questions of you." And so I started to really hone in on the kind of person that I wanted to date and the kind of relationship that I wanted to have and find men who wanted the same thing. I don't think there's anything better or worse about what I wanted. It's just how I am. It's the kind of person that I am and what I wanted. And so learning to ask questions that helped to attract the kind of people that I wanted was a huge find of mine and I think I just kind of stumbled onto it but I loved how it changed the the opportunities for discussion with these men. 

13:52 

So then about the same time about last January, maybe February, The Life Coach School put out another podcast that I was able to listen to talking about a 90- Day Relationship. It was actually like a five-day course in in a group called Self-Coaching Scholars that I'm a member of. And I listened to this and I was so intrigued by Brooke Castillo's experience of a 90-day relationship and I just was thinking so much about it and so much about the greater opportunity to create what I want to create in in a very intentional way. And so I had that going on in the back of my brain as well as this greater understanding from the other podcast about what I really needed to become in order to create the kind of relationship that I wanted and what I really needed to understand about myself. And so I had these two things going on. And then I met my first Mr. 90- Days. And I did a podcast on this last July, actually, if you are interested, you can go back and listen to that. But I met this man and I decided to take a risk. I mean, I was really scared. I was really nervous, but he and I hit it off really, really well. Our personalities were very similar. We got along really well. 

15:20 

And so on day three of knowing him, I asked him if he would be interested in doing a 90-day relationship with me. So a little bit crazy, a little bit fast, a little bit risky, right? But I also was hitting a point where I really understood that for me to learn the things that I wanted to learn next in my life, I needed to be doing that in a relationship. And I needed to start having relationships in order for me to become this person. So I talked with him about this and he was like, "yeah, let's do it." And so we jumped into a 90-day relationship. And I will tell you that this first experience was so incredibly valuable for me. I learned how to risk being vulnerable in ways that I never had before. And there were things that were terrifying for me. But this relationship provided the opportunity for me to explore my own vulnerability and to really step into really scary, difficult things. 

16:25 

Part of the context of that relationship is that we both kind of bring all of our most difficult relationship stuff and we put it all on the table and we're like, "listen, this is what I got. This is what I'm working through." And the other person can't walk away and say, "whoa, too much for me." They just get to create some space for you to say, "okay, I see that's what you're working through. Let me know how I can help. Let me know what you need from me." And when I had my first discussion with this man about my struggles and the things that I really wanted to work through and figure out in a relationship, it was terrifying for me. And I was sitting down having a chat and I was up to my eyeballs in shame talking with him about what I wanted to work through and what I wanted to figure out. And he was just so good about it. And had we not been in the context of the 90-days, I don't know if he would have stuck around. He may have just said, "well, that's a little bit too much for me. I think I'm going to gracefully bow out of this." But in the context of, and maybe he wouldn't have, I don't know, we'd never really talked about it. But in the context of a 90-day relationship, he knew that he was in it for 90 days to help me kind of figure this out and work through it. 

17:42 

And one time in the middle of that discussion of me talking to him about my stuff, he just said, "you know, you don't have to do this if you don't want to, you don't have to talk to me about this." I was like, "ah, actually I do." And so very risky, very vulnerable, very scary. And I will tell you that in the context of that relationship, I found myself becoming more the kind of person that I really wanted to be. And I started learning how to communicate and how to respond and how to show up the kind of person in a relationship that's important for me to show up as. And I'm so grateful to him and for what he provided me and for starting me on the path to understanding the things that I needed to and growing into the person that I needed to. So that relationship started in March and it ended the first part of July. So we actually went a little over 90 days. And it was brilliant and it was beautiful. And I was so grateful to him for that experience. 

18:51 

So the end of last summer, I had another 90-day relationship. And again, it was someone that I had only gone out on one or two dates with and we discussed it and we decided to do it. I realized that it was just such a valuable opportunity for me to step into the kind of person that I want to be. So I'll tell you what, it's kind of a risk to discuss it and to begin it, you know, to know somebody for such a short amount of time and then say, "hey, you want to do this, to commit to 90 days in a relationship with me?" But this the second 90-day relationship, I had was another opportunity for me to step deeper into vulnerability necessary to create what I want. And in that relationship I learned so much more about communication, about finding my voice in a relationship, about not being afraid to have the tough discussions, and I moved forward so much more in that relationship as well. And I'm really grateful for this man, as well, and for the things that I learned in my time with him and for how I was able to step more into knowing how to create what I want to create and how to become the person that I really want to become. 

20:09 

So I'll tell you that I'm currently in my third 90-day relationship of the year and I will tell you that in a year's time I'm a completely different person. The "becoming" that I have stepped into this last year has been so beautiful to me and so amazing as I have have learned things about myself that I did not even know existed, both good and bad. And that awareness that these experiences have created for me has provided me with opportunities to learn and to grow and to become more of the person that I want to be. I am so much more clear on what I want, on the kind of person that I want in my life, on who I want to be, and how I want to show up in these relationships. I am so much more confident in my ability to have a successful relationship. 

21:11 

So was this a year of risk for me? Absolutely. It was a year of risk. There were so many times in these relationships where I had to risk being seen. I had to risk being rejected. And those are scary things, right? When we're people, those are scary things, being rejected. Was it a year of becoming? Absolutely. I look back at the person that I've become this last year and who I am now compared to a year ago, and I'm so floored and I'm so grateful for where I am. And it all started with changing my beliefs about being a risk taker. I realized that taking risks, now not stupid ones that are going to get me hurt or that are going to harm me in some way, but scary ones, vulnerable ones, risks that are such a key element to growth. Becoming more the person that I want to be, I will tell you, created a lot of of discomfort. Those tough conversations that had me swimming in shame as I confronted my past behaviors, my past ideas and attitudes. I found myself challenging long held beliefs about relationships and what was possible for me. I found myself learning things about myself that I didn't like, things that I was ashamed of. But I also found myself stepping into vulnerable conversations and learning how to be more honest and open in relationships. There was so much discomfort for me this last year, so many times where I was just terrified to step into that next phase space of vulnerability and to create something. And yet, there has been so much growth for me this last year. 

23:09 

And I would say that this has been one of my best years, probably my best year ever, as far as growth is concerned. A year ago, I would not have believed that I still had so much growth left inside of me. I thought that I had peaked the last few years and that I would start tapering off, but the opposite happened. Now I think, "what if this kind of growth is possible every single year?" Because here's the deal: all of this was created by me, not by outward circumstances. Now, sometimes we have outside circumstances in our life that create growth. You know, sometimes we might be in a car accident that creates a physical element that's difficult, or we might get a physical disease or something that causes us to move into this growth, or our significant other may engage in some kind of behavior that really pushes us into growth. But all of the growth that I've experienced, I can't say all, but the vast majority of the biggest growth that I've gone through this year was me 

choosing growth. It was me making decisions that put me in the path of growth. And sometimes seemingly in harm's way,  right? In doing risky or scary things. But all of this growth this last year, I can attribute two choices that I made. And this was so scary sometimes. And it was so overwhelming sometimes. And it was so painful sometimes. 

24:44 

So those breakups from the first and the second 90-days, those were tough. They were hard because I had learned to invest myself into those and to be vulnerable and to put a lot of feeling and really learn to love in those situations. And it was painful when they ended. But I will tell you that it has been so worth the journey. And I will tell you that this current 90-day relationship that I'm in is another beautiful, amazing experience with someone, that I have to be honest, I didn't think this kind of person existed as an available person in my fifties. And so I'm so amazed, but I know that all the work that I've done in these other relationships this year has prepared me for this current relationship that I'm in. And so this journey that I've had this last year, these difficult experiences, these challenging, scary, vulnerable experiences have been so worth the journey for me. And I love where I am right now. I just am floored by the growth that I've experienced and where that growth has landed me in the kind of situation that I'm currently in. 

26:01 

So here's a question for you: what are your deepest desires for growth in your life? I know that sometimes we're a little bit scared to voice them. We're a little bit scared to put them out in the universe because we just think that "what if I put it out and I don't get it?" But what if the opposite? What if you put it out there and you do get it? What if you put your desires out into the universe and the universe conspires to help you? So what are your deepest desires? Are you looking like me? Are you looking for an incredible relationship? Are you wanting a deeper, more intimate connection with your spouse? Do you want to heal things with your spouse and create something totally different with your spouse? Do you want to heal relationships with your children or maybe with your siblings? Do you want to be more connected with your aging parents? Do you want to feel a greater self-love and a purpose and a direction in your life? There's so many ways that you could go on what are your real desires. What do you want to create? What's that unspoken peace that almost scares you to put out into the universe? This is where it starts, by being willing to acknowledge it, by being willing to step into the discomfort of risk and deciding that I want this. What can I do to create it? What can I move? We have to be willing to take the first step toward what you really want, deciding what you want to become and starting the process. 

27:57 

Sometimes that in and of itself, the deciding, is hard for us. It's so challenging because we just think, "what if I want it and I never get it? What if I'll be disappointed?" And so what do we do? We disappoint ourselves ahead of time by never even seeking for it. Rather than seeking for it and growing and being disappointed if we don't get it, we just never go there in the first place. So we disappoint ourselves ahead of time. What if we just decide what we want? What do we really, really want deep down? And let's get started. 

28:33 

Now, some of you are going to be very clear on what this journey was going to look like for you. You're going to know what your first steps are. You're going to be clear on how to do that. And others of you may have this deep desire for something more. And yet you just don't even know how or where to start. And I just want to let you know that this is the beauty of coaching. Coaching is 100 percent the process that got me started on my journey this last year. Obviously, coaching has been a big part of my life for quite some time. And I'll tell you, since it has been, I have had my three biggest years of growth. But coaching is what it has become for me, has moved me in the direction that I want to move. Coaching helped me this last year step into the power of being a risk taker. This was, and like I said before, this was just a concept that happened to come up during a coaching session. And yet it has been one of the most powerful concepts to cross my path in the past many years. 

29:38 

Coaching also moved me into a space of choosing to start dating. Before then I was kind of like, "man, I don't know. Why would I want a man to mess up my life?" I know that sounds horrible, but that's where I was. I was so happy with my life being single and I could not imagine wanting somebody else in my life. And now I can't imagine not wanting someone in my life. And this is something that this process for me started in a coaching session, talking about dating, talking about why I would or wouldn't want a man in my life. And there was another thing that my coach said to me that just blew me away, that made me realize that maybe I do want a relationship. So coaching also helped me to clarify the direction I felt I needed to start moving for my becoming goal, to become that person that I really wanted to see, coaching helped me know the direction I needed to go. And coaching helped me to create clarity around my experiences that I then had and to see them  for what they are and what they were. Coaching really helped me to clean all of that up as I talked about it with my coach over the weeks. And as I discussed things and talked about challenges and talked about what was happening. Coaching is such a valuable tool for me. 

31:08 

Coaching may be exactly what you need as well to help you move into your life. your next best self to help you to create the life that deep down you are aching to create. Coaching is a brilliant process. I will tell you that it requires an investment of time, it requires an investment of energy, and it's scary and it's vulnerable and it requires an investment of money. It really does, but I will tell you it will help you step into a better version of yourself. It will help to put you on the path of where you really want to go and what you really want to create. I cannot imagine where my life would be without coaching. It has changed the trajectory of my life. It has put me in a place that that I could not have even dreamed of four years ago, could not have even imagined being in this place. And I'm so grateful for the trajectory I'm on. And I'm grateful to understand the power of growth, the power of moving forward. 

32:28 

So if you feel like you are ready for this next step, to really step into it, to move into a greater growth, to start creating what you really want to create, that maybe you're stuck on, you can reach me at tanyahale.com. You can go to that. Let's see, what's the button called on my page. Oh, there's a "free consultation" button. You can go there. And on that free consultation button, you can get on my calendar and you can set up a consultation with me, a free one, and we will talk about how coaching can help you move into your better self. Because I promise you, we are always happier when we're becoming the person that we want to be. It's a process of so much joy and so much contentment. I promise you that. 

33:24 

OK, my friends, think about taking risks in your life. What risks do you need to take and what do you want to become? What risks do you need to take to become what you and what you want to become? Ask yourself some tough questions and get on that email list so that you can get that end of your review. Again, this Friday will be the last time I will send it out until next year. So if you would like to do that, it's a brilliant process. I promise you, promise, you will love it. OK, that's going to do it for me today. Have an awesome, awesome day, my friends, and I will see you next time. Bye. 

34:01 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.