00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 180, "Better Relationships with Our Adult Children." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Alright, hello there, welcome to the podcast my friends. So glad to have you here with me today. We are just going to jump right in. Today we are talking about how to have better relationships with our adult children. This is a topic. My podcasts on adult children are some of my most heavily downloaded ones. I think we often just are in a space where we're not really quite sure how to interact with them. It's hard when we have had so much say in their lives for so long and then all of a sudden we don't have any say and that's really difficult for us to let go of. But I want to share with you a couple of experiences just to show you how this work can help and how it has helped with myself and with some other people. 

01:10 

So I'm going to start off first of all by telling you about a friend who I have and, we talk a lot about coaching stuff, and we have discussed a lot of how we interact with our kids. She had a teenager who completely left the church, started living a very different lifestyle than what they lived in their home, and it was very hard for her for a long time. And there were times where she would say stuff and she was not accepting of her daughter, and loved her daughter always, obviously, but really struggled with the decisions that her daughter was making. And as we have done this work together and discussed it, and talked about it, and really worked to clean up our love and to just be accepting and to just create what we want to in these relationships. She noticed some big changes. 

02:03 

In fact, last week, she showed up at a time that we were getting together and she said, "I have to tell you this experience." And she had gone out to dinner with her daughter and her boyfriend, she and her husband. And the daughter was very, very nervous and eventually told them that she and her boyfriend were going to move in together. And my friend said that she just moved into this space of so glad for her daughter. Her daughter was making a decision to be with someone who is wonderful and a good match for her. And she said all of the judgment that she would have had two years ago in the decision that her daughter was making was gone. She didn't feel judgment. And she just was able to expand true acceptance to her daughter. Let her daughter make the decisions that she wants to make. Let her move into that space. And she said that the experience was so beautiful because even just two months ago, her daughter was still nervous and didn't want her to meet the boyfriend. And she since came to Thanksgiving and and now she's moved into this new space and she said the whole relationship was different. 

03:20 

And then the daughter was even like, "Mom, can you come shopping with me? Can you help me find stuff? This is what we want for Christmas. Can you help us move in?" And so the whole relationship with her daughter, when she told me that experience, I actually just got all teary-eyed and started, you know, dropped a few tears because I was like, "Oh my gosh, look what we're creating here." We are working in a space where now you have a sweet, beautiful relationship with your daughter. And, you know, maybe she's not living the way that my friend would like her to. But it doesn't really matter. The bigger issue here is the relationship that she's creating with her daughter. And now she she has something completely different. And it just...it brought me to tears when we were talking about it. And I was just amazed at that experience. 

04:11 

And my friend said the thing was was it wasn't fake at all. "It wasn't like I was on the outside pretending to be happy for her that she's found and made a good decision, made a decision that she feels good about." But she says, "I genuinely did feel that way. I wasn't pretending." And it came across that way. And she said, "'I even knew that it wasn't pretending because when my husband and I got home, we didn't start gossiping about her and about the decision and saying, Oh my gosh, I can't believe she's making this decision.'" She said that they were just like, "Oh, you know what, I'm so glad she's in a good space. I'm glad she's found somebody that she loves and that she feels she can commit to." And that was really telling for her that she and her husband didn't have to have a completely opposite discussion about it after they got home. Anyway, so just the change of heart, the change of how she is choosing to interact with her daughter has completely changed the relationship with her daughter. It has gone from one that was very strained to one that is now opening up into a beautiful relationship. 

05:22 

So I'm going to tell you about an experience that I had recently as well with one of my sons who I've had a bit of a strained relationship with as well. And it's been really hard for me and I have been really working, as well, on creating this love within me that just says, "listen, I just want to love him and I just want to show up in a loving space. I want to not be judgmental of him. He can just make whatever choices he wants, but I'm going to choose to show up loving and kind," and all of this stuff. So he came over one night and immediately turned on the TV, which he doesn't come over very often, and so I was just in this space where I'm like, "I'm so glad that he's choosing to come over." And he sat down, turned on the TV, got on his phone, kind of sat there, was not very engaged in discussion, was not really engaged in helping with dinner. And I was just genuinely in the space where I was like, "I'm just so glad that he feels like he can come over. I'm just so glad that he's here." And my interactions with him were loving, they were kind, they were accepting. I wasn't pushing him to have conversations with me that he didn't want to have. I wasn't pushing him to give me a hug or engage with helping with dinner. 

06:54 

And some people may say, "well, you're not setting very good boundaries." And for me at this point, the boundary that I want to set is just one more I'm glad that he's coming over. So he did. And I was so amazed at myself, as well, that I just created this safe space for him. Now, he may or may not choose to come into this safe, clean space. He may never choose, but on that day, he was standing at the door and he was kind of like testing the water, kind of like putting his toe in to see, "is this a safe place for me to come into?" Because in the past, I'm pretty positive that it didn't feel like a very safe place for him. And so the fact that he came over and did that... 

07:40 

Now I will tell you that this is not a one and done process. So Thanksgiving, he came over, I was not as clean as I was the time before. I was still having thoughts like, "gosh, why isn't he talking to me? Like what's going on with that?" And when he left, I was like, "wow, he didn't even say goodbye," right? And I so I wasn't so clean as far as just accepting him how he was. But I will tell you I've made some progress, some huge progress, and it it just takes time for these things. But we have to be really paying attention to them. We have to really be trying to make the kind of decision that we really want to make. 

08:18 

So here's one last experience that I want to share with you. Recently at church, someone was talking about how difficult it is to parent young adults. She was saying that she feels sad and she wants her child to change. She wants them to come back to church. She wants them to get on the right path. She wants them to live the commandments. And this is why she wants that, and she didn't say this, but this is what's going on, she wants her child to change because then she will feel better. Now, this is not a judgmental space. This is a space that all of us move into at some point. This is just part of being a human and it's okay. But what we want to do is start opening up our awareness about what's happening here. Right? We want to start looking at times that we want somebody else to change so that we can feel better. Okay. We can feel better and heal the relationships, though, even if our children don't change. When we learn to truly accept them for who they are, then we feel better. I learned that with my son, right? When he left after that good day, I felt amazing. I was like, "oh my gosh, I just love him," and I felt so much love for him. And it was just almost overwhelming. Whereas after Thanksgiving, I was feeling a little bit not so good inside. I was feeling a little bit like I'd been judge-y and I hadn't been as accepting. It didn't feel good for me. So I get to feel better and I get to heal relationships, even if my children don't change. Because again, when I learn to truly accept my children for who they are, then I feel better. 

09:59 

Now this doesn't mean that I don't still love them. It doesn't mean that I give up hope for them to live fantastic lives, but guess what? We give them the agency to decide what a fantastic life looks like. They get to choose it all. And we get to learn how to control what we can control, which is ourselves. So ask yourself this, are you praying for God to take away their agency? So check what you're asking for. "Help them to do this. Help them to do this. Help them to do this." Those are things that are out of our control. Now, can God influence those? Can He do those? Yes. But God is also not going to take away their agency. So more helpful is to pray for us, to pray for us to respond in Christlike healing and helpful ways. Pray for more compassion. Pray for more acceptance. Pray for more love. Pray that God, who knows our children intimately, will be merciful to them and bless them with what they need. Maybe what they really need is to not be on the path that we think  that they should be on right now. Maybe what they really need is to stray and to struggle and to learn specific lessons. 

11:24 

So I've shared this experience before but it's been quite a while so let me share it again. I had an experience once sitting in church when I had been I had been praying all this time "please help my children to get on the right path." And I realized there was something that happened in that Relief Society lesson that I had this big aha and I realized that when I pray that they will get on the right path that presupposes that I know what the right path is for them. And guess what? I don't know what the right path is for them. I don't know if they need to go through the experiences that they're going through right now in order to become the people that they really need to become and to learn what they need to learn. I don't know. And here I was being all judge-y thinking that I knew what their right path was. And I all of a sudden realized that I don't know that. It's not my decision to make. It's not even my opinion to have whether they're on the right path or not. 

12:29 

And so I learned instead to pray differently. I learned to say things like "help them to learn the lessons that are available to them. Help me to love them unconditionally and cleanly. Help me to create a safe space for them to come into. Help me to accept them as they are." So changing my prayers to focus more on how I show up my own behaviors, my thoughts, my feelings, rather than on how they're going to show up. I'm not praying to change their behavior. I'm learning to pray to change mine. So what this does is this changes how I feel about my children. And this is what creates the healing. They don't have to change for me to feel close to them and to have a strong relationship to them. They don't have to change for our relationship to change. I'm the only one that needs to change. And when I truly show up in a space of love, the relationship changes. My friend has seen that with her daughter. I've seen it with my children as well. 

13:36 

Now it may take some time for your children to trust the change. A lot of us have done a really great job of breaking down the trust with our children. Because we are on their case. We are constantly telling them that they're doing it wrong. We're constantly questioning their decisions. moving into this space, it can take some time for your children to trust the new change of heart that we have had. And guess what? That's absolutely okay that it takes time. But consistency in showing up the way that you want to is what creates a change of heart in our children. And guess what? 

14:14 

And this is the other piece I just want to say. They may never have a change of heart. They may never come around. They may never step into that space that we create. But a change of heart for me is going to radiate love and acceptance. And it's okay if they never change their behavior because, guess what? You've changed yours. And changing your own behavior is what is going to create a better, healthier relationship. Because I show up loving. They get to choose whether to accept that love or not to accept that love. But what creates a better relationship is me choosing to show up the way that I want to show up, and you choosing to show up the way that you want to show up, which may be very different than how I do it. It's all good, right? 

15:08 

But the piece is, if we want to have better relationships with our adult children, we have to stop worrying and stressing and cajoling them to live a certain way. We need to start paying attention to how we are living and how we are showing up and how we are choosing to think and feel and behave toward them. Because that's all we can control and that feels pretty darn good when we show up the way that we want to. 

15:38 

Okay, so two podcasts that if if you're kind of new and haven't been listening, there's two podcasts I want you to go back and listen to if you want a little bit more information on this. One is podcast number 92, called "Clean Love" and the other is podcast number 94, called "The Right Path." And it's going to talk about two of the concepts that I've touched on today, but it's going to touch on them both a much more deeply. So number 92 and number 94. Go back and check those out if you want a little bit more information on loving our children as they are, accepting them on the path that they are on. Not loving with manipulation or expectations. That's going to make such a huge huge difference in how you show up for your kids. So go ahead and take a look at that and and that's going to do it. 

16:31 

I just want to say, you know what, I know I love growing up. I love growing up into this space of understanding how to create the kinds of relationships that I want to. And what that means, honestly, is letting go of the other person and their behaviors  and how they show up and just focusing on how I show up. Expending all my energy on showing up the way that I want to. That's what's going to do it. Okay. If you would like some personal help from me to talk about coaching and see like how do I work through this is coaching a good fit for me. I would love to give you a free 30 minute consult. You can go on my website which is tanyahale.com. You can go to the "contact me" or talk with me. I don't remember exactly what the button says, something along those lines. You can get that tab at the top and you can set up a free consult with me and we can talk about how coaching can help you move into a better space and become the kind of person that you want to be and have those better relationships with your adult children or better relationships with your spouse or your parents or your siblings, whoever it is. Coaching is a brilliant, brilliant opportunity to move into something healthier and happier for you and for the people in your life that you love. Okay. That's gonna do it my friends. Have an awesome, awesome week and I will talk to you next time. Ciao. 

17:57 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.