00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 173, "A Space for Grace." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:20 

Alright, hello there, my sweet friends. Bit of a cold going on. I've got my water here in case I start coughing and I will be prepared to stop this. I'm not a big editor of my podcast, which you can probably tell from all the mess ups that I make. I don't really edit, but I will try and be cognizant of stopping if I start coughing. 

00:42 

Okay, we are talking today about a space for grace and we're talking about this in terms of ourselves, giving ourselves this space for grace. So do you ever wonder why you can value something so much and yet you continually don't live up to that value in the things that you're doing in your life? We look back at a decision and we wonder like, "what was up with that?" Like, "why did I do that? That doesn't go along with the kind of person that I want to be." Part of this is our primitive's brains need to fit in. Like back in caveman days, being part of the tribe meant survival. If we weren't part of the tribe, we didn't survive. We were left susceptible to all kinds of dangers. So our unconscious thoughts are that primitive brain is going to push us to want to fit in. Sometimes that's part of it. We can learn to be more aware of these situations as we take time to look at our decisions and figure out our way behind them. 

01:46 

But what we're going to do today is move a little bit beyond just this, "oh, this is just what I do, because it's a primitive brain thing." And we're really going to look at what we do value and what's going on. We really want to figure out our "why" behind the reasons that we do things. What is the value behind our choices? So these are fascinating and they can definitely start to shift our self-view. And it is one of the first big steps to understanding ourselves and really starting to move forward into being the kind of person that we want to be. So we often think that we're living by our values. We will say that we value reading and learning and then we spend our evenings binge watching TV instead. We may say that we value our health but then we don't exercise regularly or eat very healthy. We will say that we value our marriage or our children relationships and then we neglect them and or sometimes even do things to harm them. 

02:46 

So here's what's happening. We absolutely do value those things and we would love to incorporate them into our lives but they're just happens to be other things that at the time we value more. So in the case of books and TV, it probably comes down to the fact that we value relaxing or we value ease more than we actually value the reading and the learning. In the case of our health, we probably value sleep or the freedom to eat what we want when we want more than we value our health. In the case of our relationships, it's easier to value comfort and patterns of behavior that don't require thinking and processing and self-reflection more than we value the discomfort of seeing and doing our own work to strengthen those relationships. And the thing is these things do not make us bad. What they make us is human. Our primitive brain seeks for three things. One to avoid pain, two to seek pleasure, and three to conserve energy. And in all of these three scenarios we can see our primitive brain doing these three things. And it creates a space where we don't show up with the values that we sometimes really think that we value. And this is the space that requires grace, the space between the values we are living and the values we really want to live. 

04:14 

So when we can make peace with the fact that we're human and that our primitive brain is always pushing us in the direction of avoiding pain, seeking pleasure, conserving energy, then we can start to make room for the things that we want to intentionally value. So there are these two levels of values that we're going to take a look at today, the actual values that we're living and the values that we want to be living. The tricky part is the space in between these two, the values that we think we're living. This is where we need the space for grace. So we've already talked about the actual values that we're living, the primitive brain stuff, the human stuff, right? One way we can start to identify the actual values we're living is to track your lives for a week. Okay? Every day, track how you spend your time, what you're doing from beginning to end. Now  this may seem a little bit monotonous, but it's only for a week, right? And it's not so hard once you get started. I've done this before, okay? But every day, keep track of how you spend your time. Every hour, stop and write down what you did the last hour. It really is not as overwhelming as it may seem. But what this is going to do is give you a really good indication of what your values are that you are currently living. 

05:30 

And then we need to explore these activities to see what's going on. What am I actually valuing here? For example, if you find that at the end of the week, you actually spent two hours every day on Facebook, that's worth exploring, right? That's a place to get curious. What are you valuing that has you spending so much time there? So, give you an example from my life. Many there is in my life that I find this struggle, it's because I value feeling like I have control over my time and what I do with it. I don't want to be tied down to doing certain things at certain times. And I'm rebelling against the things that my prefrontal cortex has already said, "hey, this is important, put it on your calendar." And my primitive brain is rebelling saying, "no, no, no, I wanna do whatever I want to do," right? And so my prefrontal cortex says, "hey, we need to do this so that we can progress, so that we can do what we wanna do. We can be in control." And then my primitive brain goes crazy, right? 

06:27 

So when I take the time to look more deeply at this, I see that what I'm actually losing is that I'm actually losing control over my time. Because that time that I could have in the future to do whatever I want, now needs to be spent doing what I didn't do earlier. So in the first Facebook example, which tends to be a black hole for me, I may have something on my calendar to do, but when the time comes up to do it, I go to Facebook instead and decide that I'm just gonna scroll for just a little bit. Well, we all know how that usually ends up, right? So I'm acting on the subconscious thought that I want to do what I want to do. And no one, not even myself, is going to control me, right? Okay. Now, I know this sounds crazy, but stick with my discombobulated logic here, because I know it makes no sense. What I'm actually doing is losing control. I'm gaining control of my immediate self, but I'm losing control of my future self, my future time, because time spent on Facebook now is time that I will have to spend later doing what I didn't get done because I was on Facebook. So it's a little crazy cycle of me wanting to control and then giving up control in the pursuit of being in control, alright? Our brains are so tricky. And they make us think that we know what we're doing when oftentimes in the moment, we don't make very good decisions. That's why it's so important that we learn to like plan things out in advance and do things, decide in advance what we want to do. 

08:03 

So because our brains are incredibly tricky and it's only when we stop and look and ask questions and dig deeper, then we start to notice these amazing inconsistencies in what our brain is telling us, but we don't see them until we stop and look. This is the thing I do want control over my life. And I actually accomplish that when I live the values I really want to be living, which are put in place by my prefrontal cortex. My primitive brain does not live by the values that I really want to be living. Okay? When I think with my prefrontal cortex, this moves me into the space of living the values I want. When I make decisions on the fly, when I allow my primitive brain to do this, to think, and to move me and to move me to action, this moves me into the space of the values that I think I'm living. 

09:00 

So there's this no-man's land between where we're living and what we think we're living. And this is tricky because this is what causes so much drama in our lives. And this is this place where we end up feeling so stuck. This is the space where we have to give ourselves grace. Okay? And we often don't. This is where it can be so easy to start beating ourselves down for not being the person that we want to be, for not living by those aspirational values that we really want to be living by. And we see ourselves being a person that we don't want to be, and then we feel this disconnect. Okay? We think that we're a person who values taking care of things. But then we go way too long between oil changes for our car or we leave the garbage in our car or whatever it is, right? Or we think that we're a person who values honesty, but then we end up in people pleasing behaviors that are, in actuality, really dishonest. And because we can see and feel the disconnect between what we're living and what our aspirational values are, we can start to get on our case. That's this no man's space in between, right? We'll start saying things like, "I can't believe I just did that. Why do I always end up here? I swore I wouldn't get mad and I'm so angry right now," right? When we see this disconnect within ourselves, it can be really easy and even intuitive sometimes to start with some pretty negative self-talk: "Here I go again. I'm never gonna change. I just can't figure this out. I'm so stupid, I'll never get it right," right? Do any of those sound familiar to you? Right? We stand to do things like that, but let me show you how that plays out with sticking in the thought model. 

 10:49 

When I think the thought, "I just can't figure this out," what feeling does that create for you? For me, that creates a feeling of discouragement. And then when I feel discouraged, how does that show up in my actions? Well, I will start to shut down. I will get distracted. I'll do other things. I'll stop trying. And the end result is that I don't figure it out. So the thought that I just can't figure this out actually creates the end result that I don't figure it out. Negative self talk like this doesn't do anything to move us forward, but rather it keeps us stuck because we end up creating exactly what we're thinking we create, this cycle. "I can't figure it out," then I don't figure it out. And then I think "I can't figure it out." And then I continue to not figure it out. Right? So what we are seeking to do is to get rid of this no-man's land where we lie to ourselves about what our values are. And we move instead into a space of complete honesty with ourselves. Because honestly, if eating healthy really were one of my values, I would be doing it. I wouldn't just be talking about it and then be on my case about it when I eat a piece of cheesecake, okay? We want to be able to make peace with where we are, even though it is far from perfect and often far from the values that we ultimately want to be living. 

12:10 

And this requires creating this space of grace. This space requires that we really see and understand the value system we are currently living in and then also be cognizant and aware of the aspirational values that we want to live. We have to be willing to look at our choices and really dig deep to see what values, what beliefs are creating my actions. Not just blowing it off and saying, "well, that just happens once in a while." No, it doesn't. Come on, it happens all the time, right? Let's stop lying to ourselves. Let's start moving into this space of self-honesty, where we just look at ourselves cleanly and clearly and go, "okay, this is a pattern of behavior for me. This is what I do," right? So then when I end up eating that piece of cheesecake, I can give myself some grace, understanding that though I would really love to value clean eating right now, I actually value the momentary pleasure of eating something yummy as well. And right now that one weighs a little bit heavier. And guess what? That's okay. It's moving into this space of honesty with ourselves. 

13:25 

We oftentimes are not honest to us. We pretend like I should be living something else or this really is my value when I'm not living that way. You wanna find out what your values are? Look at your actions today. That will show you your values. And pretending that your values are not something else are just going to keep you stuck in that no-man's land of thinking, "oh, but actually I believe this. I really want to be living this way. I can't believe I'm not," right? And we get stuck in that space. Okay, so when I start to get on my case about not being where I want to be, I shut down my ability to create change and movement. I get stuck in thought loops of "why can't I do this" and "when am I ever going to learn" and "why can't I be a better person?" The reason these are called thought loops is because there aren't really any satisfactory answers to any of these kinds of questions. They just get as stuck. "Well, I don't know. Well, I don't know when I'm going to learn. Probably never," right? More helpful is to see very clearly and honestly where I currently am, what my current value is that's causing me to act on that behavior, and also a clear understanding of where I want to be, my aspirational value, and then ask something like "what's one thing I can do to move me in that direction?" Do you see how that's different than "why can't I ever do this?" There's no answer to that. And that keeps us spinning in no-man's land and that keeps us stuck. But creating a plan between where we are, which we have to know where we are first and where we want to be, that creates the movement. 

15:10 

But if we don't know where we are, we have no idea how to get where we want to go. Okay, it's like a map. If I were to just give you a map and say, "okay, find your way to here," you have to know where you are on that map first. But a lot of times we spend all this time trying to deceive ourselves into thinking that we are something that we are not, into thinking that we are in a place that we are not. And so we have to be honest with ourselves in looking at my current values, looking at how I'm living and what values are creating that. Now that I know where I am on that map and I know where I want to go, now I can make a plan for how to get there. Our ultimate goal is to incorporate the values we really want to be living, to incorporate them into our lives. 

16:03 

And this is not an overnight task, just so you know. Okay, there's a lot of things that have to happen here. There's a lot of awareness that has to be created and that's okay, this is part of why we're here. That's part of our purpose here on earth is to figure all of this out, to learn to align our behaviors with our aspirational values, with the person that we really want to be. But to do that, we have to start being honest with who we are, okay? 

16:32 

So one thing that we have to do is, we have to be willing to break the status quo within ourselves. Like what feels really good to me? So many things that currently feel comfortable and natural, like for me, scrolling Facebook or watching more TV than we'd really like, will require that I'm willing to step into feeling discomfort. Some of this discomfort is stepping out of societal and cultural norms. So for example, if I really value learning and reading, I may need to look at the amount of time that I'm spending on different types of media and sometimes that's going to go against the societal norms that I feel so comfortable with, because here's an example: I won't be able to talk about The Bachelor with my co-workers tomorrow. When they're all sitting around chatting, I'm gonna be out of the conversation if I didn't watch it. Am I okay with that? And here we have like "what do I value more?" Very often I really value being able to join in the conversation with my peers around the water cooler, and that value takes priority over reading the latest book of my choice of learning something new. 

17:43 

And just you remember, neither of those values is right or wrong. We totally just get to choose which value we value more. And that may change from week to week. And it also doesn't have to be so black and white. It doesn't have to be I value this or I value this. Maybe it's somewhere in the middle. Maybe some weeks we choose one and other weeks we choose another. The point is, let's take some time to become aware of the values that we are living. Right? Let's look at what we are, how we're living, and the values that are coming forth through that. And then let's also become more aware of the values we would like to incorporate more. And let's start making some intentional choices. Let's stop living in this middle space. Let's practice getting out of no-man's land. Let's practice not beating ourselves up for the values that we currently are living by. And let's also practice not beating ourselves up for the values that we want to live by. Being in that middle ground is exhausting and it does not help us progress and move forward. So rather than being a space for beating ourselves up, we can create instead a space for grace. This is the space of not being stuck. 

19:05 

When we refuse to acknowledge what our true values are that we're living by, that's when we're stuck. When we're actually lying to ourselves about who we are and what we value, that's when we're stuck. So let's start figuring out the values we're currently living by and then figure out the values we want to live by and then start making a plan. Let's create a space for grace in there. I'm working with a client right now who is doing exactly this. She realizes that she values self-protection over vulnerability and she wants to value vulnerability more. Vulnerability is their aspirational value and yet self-protection is such a strong innate value for her right now. So we are working together to help her move more into the space of living her value of vulnerability. So she could sit in a space where she continually beats herself up for not being vulnerable enough and she would be stuck and miserable. But when she takes the time to understand why she values self-protection so much, accept that she's there, give herself grace for that value that she's currently living by, because then when she gives herself grace, she creates the space for movement. And then she can start moving into the space of vulnerability, the value of vulnerability that she wants to have in her life. 

20:36 

So as your life coach, this is how I can help you. I can assist you in identifying both the values you are currently living by and the values you want to live by, and the grace in the space in between. This is what makes growing up so amazing. We have hit this middle age time of life where we can see these things that we haven't seen before, and it's amazing and it's beautiful. This may just be the perfect time for you to invest in coaching for yourself because investing money and time and energy to understand yourself better, to give yourself a space of grace, to create movement in the direction of your desired values...this is the space of really finding satisfaction and fulfillment and a deep happiness in how we're living. Not just an enjoyment, but a really deep satisfaction with our lives, to know that we're moving in the direction we are. So if you're ready to move in this direction, go to my website tanyahale.com and you can book a free consult there, 30-minute consult, where we can talk about coaching and how it can help you and how it can help you to create the kind of life, living by the kinds of values that you want to create. 

22:02 

By the way, if you haven't been to my website for a while, it's brand new. I just got a new one and I'm loving it. It's just so much more clean and beautiful. I love it so much. So go there and check it out if you haven't. Okay, that's going to do it for me today, my friends. If you feel like this podcast is helping you, please share it with a friend. Please subscribe and leave me a review if you haven't yet. That would be super fabulous for me and it would feel super amazing for you as well. Okay, wish you all the best this week. Take care and I will talk to you next week. Ciao. 

22:35 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.