00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 172, "Peace Misunderstood." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Alright. Hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast today. Happy to have you here. Life is good, isn't it? It is fall, which generally I kind of have this love-hate relationship with fall. I think the weather is amazing. I love the colors. I love everything, but you know what? Winter is coming. Winter is not my favorite time of year when we have snow and it's cold. I just feel like I'm cold from like October to April and I have a hard time getting warm and so I really have this love-hate relationship with fall. But there you go. It is. We all have our issues. That's one of mine. 

01:00 

Okay. So we are talking today about peace misunderstood. So let's first of all talk about peace. Looking up in the dictionary, one definition was "a state of tranquility or quiet." So I want to talk about, a lot of times we think about this peace as being an external state, but seeking only for an external type of peace can actually bring internal discord, or the opposite of internal peace. So oftentimes external peace and internal peace do not go together. They kind of actually can work against each other, and we're going to talk about that today. 

01:41 

So many of us think that by not speaking up, by not having a voice, by not saying what we think and what we feel, that we are keeping the peace, that we are avoiding the conflict that can lead to contention. So I will tell you that I used to do this all the time, especially in my marriage. I thought that it was my job to keep the peace. So I very often stopped voicing my opinion. I let people in my life treat me the way that they wanted without my objection. Now, I don't think I ever hit like superior doormat status, but there were so many times when I didn't voice my opinion and I'd let people in my life treat me the way they wanted to without my objection because I didn't want to create discord, contention. Right? I was so worried about keeping the peace. When somebody did something to me that I didn't like, I oftentimes wouldn't say anything. I would just put up with it and I would just pretend like it didn't happen and move on. When something was uncomfortable to me, I would suffer rather, whether it was emotional or physical, I would suffer in silence rather than speaking up. If I was too hot or too cold, if I was uncomfortable, I would just sit there and put up with it. I wouldn't say something. I wouldn't ask for things to be changed. I would do almost anything not to create negativity or angry words or discomfort for other people. I would put up with all the discomfort inside of myself in order to not make other people feel discomfort. Anybody else out there? 

03:16 

Okay, so let me tell you a few things. I would sometimes become passive aggressive and I would do things behind other people's backs so I wouldn't rock the boat. Passive aggressive is not really the kind of person that I want to be, but that felt easier than rocking the boat. And I would put up with unkind words or treatment because I didn't want to make other people feel uncomfortable, all in the name of peace. So I was creating an outward peace, but inside I was anything but peaceful. Interesting that somewhere I thought that this outward peace of no contention, no fighting, no angry words, that this was the goal. And I will tell you that I don't think that angry words is our goal, but I think honesty is our goal. 

04:04 

So now I believe almost the exact opposite of what I used to believe back in the days when I was married. And it wasn't just my ex-husband that created these issues. It was all across the board that I would allow this to happen. So when I say that I believe now the exact opposite, that's not to say that I don't enjoy a quiet home or tranquil music or the stillness of being by myself, whether it's in my home or out in nature, but with regards to other people, outward peace does not always create inner peace. In fact, very often it creates the exact opposite. Keeping the peace in the ways that I've been talking about actually creates so much inner turmoil because I am lying to myself and to everyone else about who I am, about what I want, and how I feel. And when I lie to myself, that never feels good. Or when I lie to other people. That doesn't feel good either, right? 

05:01 

In working with a client last week, I was reminded how often I thought that I was being a peacemaker when in actuality, I was seething inside with contempt and frustration and resentment and internal discord. So this client has been doing the exact things that I used to do, and it's not creating any peace. What it has done is rob her of her self-respect and her self love, and it impacted mine as well. I can tell you when I was in a similar place. So how do we solve for this? 

05:36 

So I believe the first place is that we have to start thinking about peace and conflict differently. Let's talk about this conflict and how this works in with peace. I used to think that conflict was always a bad thing and some definitions of conflict do have a very negative connotation. But I will tell you that these days I define conflict just as "two people having two different opinions." So guess what? That would be a neutral circumstance. Any two people can think about something differently and really there's no problem there. It only becomes negative when we think there is something wrong with someone having a different opinion. So conflict can actually lead to two different outcomes and we don't always think of this. One, it can turn into contention, which we think which we most of us are familiar with, or two, it can turn into deeper connection. What? Let's talk about it because this is so important to understand. Okay? 

06:47 

Conflict can lead to greater connection. So most of what we see regarding conflict in our world is that it turns into contention. We see in movies and TV, in books, and even in real life, we see that conflict generally leads to contention or a negative response. If people have different ideas, especially in our society today, we often think that that makes us enemies. Like we have to naturally be in contention and we have to be fighting with each other. And so people will end up fighting either physically or verbally and we see hurt feelings and we see people getting offended. And I think the reason why so many people say that they hate conflict is because we rarely see the up side of it. We've mostly just been exposed to conflict turning into contention, but there is a huge up side to conflict. When we look at conflict as being neutral, two people just having different opinions, we have a choice of which way to go with it. And contention is only one way. The other way is deeper connection. Okay, so let's look at this because this is fascinating, I think. 

08:01 

Conflict or two people having different opinions can actually be the gateway for a closer, more intimate relationship. And here's how. When looked at as an opportunity to really see and understand the other person better, conflict is an amazing resource. What if rather than feeling threatened by a different opinion, we stepped into curiosity and started asking all the questions. This is an amazing opportunity to understand the other person more deeply. So rather than resisting the difference, fighting the difference, we can use it to our advantage to learn things about the other person that we didn't know before to understand their point of view, why they think the way they do, what experiences have caused them to have their opinion. 

08:52 

Remember, a year ago summer when there was all this fighting, fighting, fighting going on in the United States. And everybody was angry about the George Floyd situation and about the COVID situation. And the thing that was amazing to me is there's so many smart, good people on both sides of that equation. And yet people are just, were just so quick to say that everybody who believes different than me is a stupid idiot. And they need to be, I mean, there were some rough stuff going on there, right? About what they think should happen to these people. But the thing is there were good, smart people on both sides. And they all had good reasons for believing the way that they did. But how often did we sit down and discuss it? And talk about it and get curious about it. When both sides take the time to get curious and to ask questions and really listen to the answers, we can see and understand the other person at a much more intimate level. That doesn't mean we're always going to agree with them, but it means that we can step into a space of respect for their position. Okay, and this can create a deepening connection and a greater appreciation for the other people. 

10:13 

So let me share a recent experience of my own to exemplify this. So here's some good, exciting news. I've recently started dating somebody and I've got another 90-Day relationship going on, actually. It's not freak you out. Sometimes it freaks me out a little bit, but it's actually very fun. So I will just say on a side note that these 90-Day relationships are pretty amazing because of the nature of being all in for 90 days. And just saying, listen, we're just going to do it all. You have some pretty intense discussions really quickly. And it fast forwards your relationship because of it. And I think you just...within 90 days, you're like, "yeah, this is just a good thing." Either working or it's not and not necessarily like in 90 days we're deciding whether we're going to get married or not, but we know whether we're a good fit or not. We don't have to wait six or nine or  12 months before we have the big discussions that make us go either "yeah, this is amazing and I'm in this," or "whoa, let me back off." So anyway that's kind of fun. 

11:14 

But here we go back to the topic at hand: paece misunderstood. One of the rules of our relationship is that nothing can be put on the back burner, so no opportunities for resentment to start to build because everything has to be talked about, even if it seems small and insignificant. So if something bothers you, basically if there's a conflict, you have to talk about it. But here are the rules about how to talk about it. First, if I'm the one who's bothered, I have to own that it's me that is bothered I cannot point a finger of blame. I have to step into responsibility for my own feelings and I have to give him grace, assuming that he would never do anything to hurt me intentionally, which that grace means that I give him a chance to come back around and to try it again if he feels like that's appropriate. Right? So his job then when I bring this issue to him is to respond with curiosity and not to get defensive. So both of these stances take some intentional thinking so that we're not automatically moving into previous patterns of thinking and feeling and responding that turn a conflict into contention. So many of us have lived our lives in this space where conflict automatically becomes contentious. And so what we're trying, what we're working to do, both of us, is to interrupt those patterns of behavior that make us want to get defensive, that make us want to blame and creating something different. So I think anyone who has had any sort of relationship in their life can see past patterns of blaming and getting defensive. And so this rule is set up to learn how to bypass these natural tendencies to step into these previous patterns. 

13:04 

Anyway, so something happened one night last week and I didn't like it. It didn't feel good to me. It didn't sit well with me. And so this is actually the first fairly big conflict that we have needed to discuss in our relationship. There have been little things, but this is the first one that I was like, "okay, this is kind of a big deal. And this really needs to be talked about." So I spent some time that night processing it, cleaning it up in my mind, figuring out how to own my own, right, how to take responsibility for how I was feeling and not saying it in a way that was blaming him. So the next morning, when we were chatting the first chance I got, I took the opportunity to speak with him about it and to share my thoughts and feelings in the way that we've previously discussed. And I have to tell you, it felt really amazing to share ideas with him that could be hurtful if shared in the wrong way, but that I shared them in such a loving way, that it was incredible to be honest with myself and to be honest with him about my thoughts and my feelings and what I was experiencing. And the reason that I wanted to clear this up is because I care enough about our relationship and I want to protect it from resentment and anger. And this kind of honesty is the way to do that. 

14:27 

So after I shared my thoughts and my feelings, my experience, he followed protocol as well. And he got curious, he asked questions and he did not get defensive. And from that space, he shared his thoughts and his perspective on what had happened as well. And this is the thing: both of us knew that the other was not seeking to hurt us. And so we provided grace for the other person to make a mistake and to be heard or to feel misunderstood. Both of us owning our own stuff, right? But being honest. So when we were done discussing this, what was created was actually a deeper level of connection and intimacy because we understood one another better. He understood my perspective and he understood why that had happened bothered me, why I was struggling with it, why it didn't sit well with me. I understood why he made the decisions that he made and why he acted the way that he did. 

15:29 

And I'll tell you what, it was a very different than the story that I had created in my head, right? So our respect for each other had increased. Our understanding of how to interact had improved and our gratitude for the other person's commitment had grown. And actually later on in the day, we took an opportunity to kind of review it and to see did we show up in the way that we had previously discussed, that we wanted to show up in these kind of situations. So questions like, "did I own my own? Did I share my thoughts and feelings in a way that didn't blame or attack, but rather that focused on me taking responsibility for my experience? And did he show up with curiosity and not get defensive? Did we both offer grace to the other, allowing the other person to circle back and try it again? This time with an increased understanding of the other person's thoughts and feelings." And we decided that, yes, we did. We did a pretty good job with it. And we also discussed how that process really helped to increase our respect for each other and that we felt that it deepened our commitment to each other and our relationship and our emotional connection. 

16:40 

 So here we had a conflict that in the past for me would have so easily turned into either contention or resentment because I didn't say anything. I could have verbally attacked him and told him that he was wrong and that he was selfish and that he was hurtful. And he could have easily turned it back on me and said the same things, that I was wrong and selfish and hurtful. And in the past, probably both of us would have gone that direction at times. Or I could have just thought that I was keeping the peace by not saying anything and just pretending it didn't exist, pr that I wasn't bothered. But inwardly I would have been sabotaging our relationship by starting to build resentment towards him. But instead, I chose to speak up in a kind and a loving way, and he chose to respond in a kind and loving way, and the experience created greater deeper connection and understanding between us. 

17:39 

So, we talk about peace misunderstood. It's not about keeping quiet and not saying anything. It's not about pretending that the conflict doesn't exist. It's not about lying to ourselves and the other person about who we are and what we're thinking and what we're feeling. What it is, is it's all about embracing the idea that showing up as me and allowing the other person to show up as them, both of us wanting to see and be seen, both of us seeking mutual understanding of the other while offering grace for the other person to be human and to make mistakes, and creating a safe space for them to circle back and try it again. That's what it's about. Real peace comes when we feel it on the inside, when we know that we are showing up as our best selves and responding in ways that are creating what we want in life rather than what we don't want. Real peace comes when we are acting from a place of love rather than a place of fear, when we are showing up as equal partners in our relationships, when we are choosing to show up as our best selves rather than just doing what comes naturally and following those patterns of behavior. This is the kind of peace that we're looking for, not that everybody's quiet but seething on the inside peace. The peace we're looking for is the inner peace that comes from showing up. So not speaking your mind, not sharing ideas, not putting yourself out there, that is not peace. And I think societally, many times as women, we have been raised in a way that says that we just need to be quiet to keep the peace. And that's not the case, my friends. No more. No more being quiet because that is not keeping the peace. But we also don't need to attack. We can speak in loving and kind ways and keep the peace that way. I guess, not keep the peace. Create the peace. That's our job, to create the peace. 

20:04 

Okay. Isn't growing up amazing? Growing up into middle age is the best gig of my life. I love it so much. Okay. Here we go. If you need some help with this concept, if you need some help with other concepts, if you want to fast forward your growth and your progression and your understanding of where you are, coaching is the best...such a valuable tool to do that and I can help you. You can go to tanyahale.com, you can book a free 30 minute consult where we can talk about what coaching is and how it can help you. We can see if we are good fits for each other. If I feel like I can help you and if you feel like what I offer is a good place for you, I would love to help you move forward at a better pace. This is what I'm trained to do. I love it so much. Okay, that's gonna do it for me today. If you have not shared this podcast with somebody, what the heck are you thinking? Share this with somebody. You may not be a sharer, but I'll tell you what. There's good stuff here that's helping people. Share this with someone, please. Subscribe if you haven't and get on your app and leave me a review. That would help other people to find it. That is a way for you to share without actually having to share, kinda cool. Okay, my friends, that's gonna do it. I hope you have a really, really awesome day and I will talk to you next week. Ciao. 

21:36 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.