00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 161, "Developing More Intimacy in Your Relationships." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Alright, hello there, my friends. So good to be with you today. Thank you. I have had quite an adventure this morning trying to get this podcast recorded. All of a sudden I went to record and it was recording at like supersonic speeds. So I was sounding a little bit like this, like when they talk really fast, and could not figure it out. I spent about an hour trying to figure out what was going on. Finally left, went to lunch with a friend, came back and had some other ideas and started working on it. Finally figured out my big speaker that I use, I don't know, as soon as I hook up my smaller headset to record on it is recording fine. So I don't know what's happened to my big speaker, but meanwhile I have found a workaround and we are ready to go. I'm so glad you're here with me today. 

01:10 

We're going to talk about developing more intimacy in our relationships. So this topic for me came a few weeks ago. I was pondering this space of "how do I deepen relationships? How do I get more into intimacy?" Which has always kind of been a struggle for me, and I had heard on a podcast that I was listening to they were talking about having a relationship with yourself and something that they said I don't remember specifically, kind of stopped me in my tracks and I went, "oh, like a relationship with our self is going to require as much time and effort and energy as a relationship with someone else or with God." It's not like I get to a place in my life where I go, "oh, I love me. I'm great. I have a great relationship with me," and then I just move on and it's good. I have to keep working on that relationship with me, as well. So I was in this space of really thinking a lot about that and feeling a little bit disconnected with God. I don't think I'm alone in this, but sometimes I feel like I just really struggle feeling connected to God. So trying to figure out how to do that. 

02:23 

So I have this journal that I keep, and I call it my personal revelation journal. What I try and do on a fairly regular basis, tried to do it most days, but you know, I don't all the time, but before I start my scripture reading and sometimes before my prayer sometimes after in the morning, I will write a question that I want to find an answer to in my scripture study that day. So I was thinking about how to create this greater intimacy with God, with myself, and with others, and that was my question for the day, was "how do I do that? How do I create that intimacy?" The relationships in my life I want to be closer to I want to, be better with myself, I want to be better with God. I don't think that that desire for connection, that desire for intimacy...it's not a strange thing. We were created as humans to crave that connection, that intimacy, with other people. We are hardwired for that. 

03:30 

The thing that I started to realize as I was pondering this was that every relationship in our life requires nourishment. If we don't nourish it and take care of it, it will eventually fade away and die. And as we look back at, like, maybe a friendship from high school, someone that we were really close to and we went to different colleges and then over time we were in contact less and less and less, that relationship can fade away. Sometimes it dies. Sometimes it doesn't I have one really good friend from high school that that we can connect once or twice a year and it still is a good relationship. It's not as as deep as it was, I think, but it still is pretty darn good. But I have a lot of other relationships from high school that I haven't talked to them since high school. Relationships just require if we want to have a deep intimate relationship. They require us to work on them and to put energy and nourishment into them. 

04:32 

So that was my question that day, was how do I do that? How do I create this greater intimacy? And so we want to talk about this today, as I was pondering that I came up with some answers for me. These are not going to be all-inclusive; there's a lot of things that we can do. But I was able to, in the course of my scripture reading and my pondering that morning, I came up with four things that I think are really important for us to create that deeper intimacy that we want in our relationship with God, in our relationship with ourselves, and in our relationship with other people in our lives. 

05:08 

So here we go. The first one that I came up with was time. Now we hear a lot about quality time and blah blah blah right, but we really have to be willing to invest time in these relationships. So think about your relationship with God. Are you having focused, dedicated time with God? Uninterrupted time. What about with yourself? Focused, dedicated, and uninterrupted time with yourself to do thought downloads, to read books that are nourishing, to do things that feed you? And what about with your most important relationships, the ones that you really want to develop? Are you giving them the right time? Relationships do not do well with limited time. In a book that I've been reading, I think it's a little bit older, I don't know exactly how old, but it's called "His Needs, Her Needs" and the author is Willard Harley. I was reading that and found that he suggests that a marital relationship needs 15 hours a week of uninterrupted time. 15 hours doesn't that seem like a lot? I was reading that going wow, especially when you've got little kids and you've got all this stuff going on I don't know how you do that. At this stage in my life, when my kids are all adults, I would have that time. I don't know how you do that when you're young, but I guess you can figure it out if you want to. But time is necessary for relationships. I have to give God my time. I have to give myself my time. I have to give people I love my time. So ask yourself... with God, are you investing the time to develop a relationship? What about with yourself? What about with other people, are you investing the time? 

07:01 

Okay, second thing: effort and energy. This is focused attention. Okay, we cannot be sitting next to somebody time, but on our phones. Right? We need to be doing quality activities. Activities with God, ourselves, other people, that where we are looking for interaction opportunities to share intimately with the other. When we are looking for those opportunities and taking advantage of those, we're engaging more in very personal activities activities that will involve the other person that we're talking about, individualized activities. And we have to put the energy into it. We have to put the effort into the time that we're spending. So I want you to ask yourself this: are you investing effort and energy into your relationship with God? Are you investing energy and effort into your relationship with yourself? And are you investing effort or energy into your relationship with the people that mean the most to you? If we want stronger, better, more intimate relationships, we have got to put forth the effort and the energy. And I'll tell you what, it comes back to us. We sometimes think, "oh, I don't have the energy to plan something or to do something." But those things, when they are energy producing, when we are connecting with the other person, it creates energy. We have to remember that it is an investment in a relationship that will give back to us, that will strengthen us. 

08:51 

Okay, the third one: vulnerability. This is something that I think in my marriage, when I was married for 24 years, been divorced for six now, I had no idea that vulnerability was even a thing. And I know some of you probably just rolled your eyes huge at me, which is totally okay. I didn't know. You don't know what you know. You don't know, right? But I've since figured it out. I've started to realize what vulnerability is. There are times that I still struggle with vulnerability, especially when it butts up against my perfectionist tendencies. Vulnerability can be really tough for me to show my imperfections, but I am working on it. Obviously, I'm not perfect at any of these things. That's why I was asking God this question in my revelation journal. But this is one of the things that has really hit home for me the last six years since I've been divorced. Vulnerability...we have to be willing to have open, honest, tough conversations. We have to be willing to admit our weaknesses, our flaws, our mistakes. And we have to be willing to be seen and to see, right? It is a scary thing to see someone's weakness, who is your partner or someone you're in a relationship with, and that's even a very dear friend. It can be a little bit vulnerable to see their weaknesses, because that requires that I do work to not step into judgment, that I do work to be accepting and loving and kind of their flaws. And I have to have a willingness to be seen, to allow myself in my rawest form to be seen. 

10:42 

And when I ask the question, am I vulnerable with God? When I pray, do I open my heart? I know that there have been times where I've done something that I feel like I need to repent of, and yet I kneel down to pray and I think I can somehow kind of hide that from God. Right? Anybody else? Anybody else? I don't know why we think that it's not...God knows. But there's a point in our relationship with Him that requires that I show that to Him. I tell Him that I see it and that I recognize it. This vulnerability with God so important. This is this piece of submission that's so vital in our relationship with God. What about vulnerability with yourself? Are you being open and honest with yourself about your weaknesses and your flaws and your mistakes? Are you willing to see yourself for who you are? I know that for a lot of years, I didn't at all. I didn't see it. I didn't understand it. I couldn't even quite get myself to the place where I could recognize that it was even going on, that I had all of these flaws happening. And now it seems like sometimes I can't stop them from coming too fast. Sometimes I feel like,  "oh, not another one." Like I'm still trying to wrap my head around the last flaw that I saw. But am I willing to be honest with myself about what I'm seeing? Am I really willing to become aware of what's going on? 

12:14 

And what about with others? Am I investing my vulnerability in my relationship with other people around me? Obviously not everybody gets to be privy to our vulnerability, but the people that we want closest to us in our lives, there has to be vulnerability in order for us to make that connection. Connection is really difficult to find and to create in a place of perfection or a place where everything is going really, really well and nobody has to be vulnerable. There's something about going through challenges with another person that creates a vulnerability that creates that connection. And this is something that I've learned so heavily in the last couple of months, that when I'm willing to step into that vulnerability, that scary place, share what I'm ashamed of, share what scares me, share my fears, that that creates a space for connection and greater intimacy. Am I perfect at this? Absolutely not. Am I working on it? You better bet your, what's that phrase? I don't even know what it is. You bet I am. I am working really hard to learn how to be more vulnerable and to open up that perfectionist persona and lay her out and just say, "listen, this is what's going on." I'm working really hard on the vulnerability piece in these intimate relationships require that. 

13:48 

And the fourth one: curiosity. I need to be willing to ask "what don't I know here? What don't I understand? Where am I wrong? Why do they think and feel the way that they do?" And I also need to move into curiosity about myself. Why do I think and feel the way that I do? What patterns do I have in my life or in my relationships that are serving me well? Which patterns do I have that are not serving me well? How are the things that I'm doing destroying relationships? How am I engaging in ways that are not helpful or that are helpful in my relationships? I really, it's so vital that in order for us to connect with other people, we have to be curious about them. 

14:44 

So when we're talking about curiosity in our relationship with others, we have to start getting very curious about them. Trying desperately to understand what makes them tick, what makes them think the way that they do. Okay, oftentimes people in our lives have different ideas about things. I have one daughter who has some very different ideas than I do about how life works and what we should do, and it doesn't do me any good to connect with her...I cannot connect with her, when I am standing over there in judgment going, oh, rolling my eyes thinking "you shouldn't be thinking that" or "oh you're such a product of your generation that you think that," and whatever I'm thinking. That just creates this wall. What I found that I have to do, and that I love to do with her because I adore her and I want to have this intimate loving relationship with her, I have to start going "huh, what don't I understand? What, how does she look at this in a way that is different than I look at this? Why does she feel that way about this particular issue?" And when I start stepping into that curiosity I find that she's pretty darn smart. She has reasons for believing what she believes and they're not stupid. They're very smart. She's a brilliant girl. She has thought about things. Where am I wrong? Where might she be right? I have to start asking these things with her and I also for my relationship with myself I have to start getting curious about myself why do I think this thought where did this thought come from? Is this thought serving me? Right? Why do I want to go into a place of manipulation or a place of passive aggressive behavior? How do I step out of that? How do I start recognizing it more? 

16:48 

And then what about your relationship with God? I think sometimes I will find myself, when I kneel down to pray with God saying, "hey look, this is what I need. Help me figure out how to do it," rather than saying, "God, what do you think that I need? 

17:05 

What am I not understanding about this particular situation? Where am I wrong? What don't I understand here that is important for me to understand?" When I start investing in curiosity and start applying that to my relationships, everything starts to change. Moving into this space where we really start investing time, energy and effort, vulnerability and curiosity, it requires a change in how we view and how we experience the world. But it creates a greater connection and intimacy. Something that we all crave, something that we want to see and to be seen. 

17:52 

Now I know that a thing for me that holds me out of these spaces is that I tend to move in a world of efficiency. I really like things to run efficient and this makes slowing down to apply these four things very difficult. But what I'm trying to do at this 

stage in my life is trying to work more in a world of effectiveness rather than efficiency. So I'm trying to slow down a little bit.  I'm trying to enjoy the moment, the journey, and not be so focused on the destination. Efficiency says, like this is how I used to travel with my poor kids. No wonder they have issues. They're so great. They were so patient with me as a mother. They still are. But we would get in the car and I would say, before we go, "alright, we've got a four hour trip here. You darn well better go to the bathroom because we're not stopping for four hours. The car's already gassed up. You've already got a bag of snacks. You have a bottle of water. But don't drink that water until the last hour because we're not stopping to use the bathroom." And I would get in the car and I would just drive and they would say, "mom, can we stop?" I'm like, "no, we're driving, right? We're not gonna stop." That's how I always drove. I was so into this efficiency. Like, we're gonna get there fast. We want to get it done. And I look back at that and I go, ooh, I was really missing out on opportunities to enjoy the moment with my kids, the journey. I was so focused on where I was going and wanting to get there as soon as possible, that I didn't enjoy those times. And my kids definitely didn't enjoy those times. And it broke down our opportunity for greater connection. 

19:33 

So what I'm trying to learn how to do, and notice I say that in present tense, I am trying really to learn to slow down and enjoy the process a little bit more. Enjoy the journey and stop thinking that everything has to be done efficiently. Somebody was talking to me this a few weeks ago and we were talking about how God is not worried about efficiency. He's worried about effectiveness. So in our relationship with God, He just wants what He's doing with us to be effective, not efficient. In fact, sometimes effective is the opposite of efficient. Not always, but sometimes. And so for me, learning to wrap my brain around this new idea of slowing down, enjoying the moment, right? Moving into effective. So what about you? What is keeping you from connecting more to the people that you want to connect with? What is keeping you from deeper relationships? I think most of us have a relationship, or two or three, in our lives that we would love to have a deeper relationship with. Whether that be with other people, with ourselves or with God. What's keeping us from going there? What of those four things can you implement more directly into your life? 

20:57 

And I want to challenge you this week to take responsibility for creating more connection for creating these deeper relationships. Make it your responsibility. What you feel connected-wise isn't coming from what anybody else is doing for you. Your feeling of connection and feeling of intimacy comes from your thoughts and what you are investing. We can't wait for other people to make changes. We can make the changes in ourselves. We can intentionally choose to move into deeper, more intimate relationships by learning to change how we think about these people and about how we want to engage. So I want you to consider this week your time, your energy and effort, your vulnerability, and your curiosity. Take one relationship that you want to improve and that you want to deepen and look at those four things. Find something that you can move into differently and let's start doing that. Let's start creating the kind of relationships that we crave and that we desire and that we were created to want. There is so much fulfillment in a beautiful, deep relationship, but it does require that we invest and I just want to encourage you to invest this week. Intentionally invest in the relationships that are most valuable to you and consider your relationship with God and your relationship with yourself as well as you're looking at that. 

22:46 

If you need some help checking this out in your own life, seeing what's going on, moving especially in this space of vulnerability and curiosity...if those are a struggle for you, this is where my expertise is as a life coach, helping you to move more into those spaces. And I can do that for you. I can help you understand how to have more connected relationships and help you move into that space. This is what I do as a life coach. Okay? So if you need some help, you can go to my website, tanyahale.com. You can book a free 30-minute consult. We can talk about how coaching can help. We can talk about your situation and I can help you see how I can help you move into a better space working with me. Okay? 

23:32 

That is going to do it for us today. If you've not left me a review, I would love it if you would take a few minutes to go on to the podcast app of your choice and look and see if they have a place where you can leave a review. ,And if you can leave me one, I would love that. That is how people find this. The more reviews I get, the higher up, the more often it comes in front of people where they can see it and find it. So my friends, have an awesome, awesome day. Enjoy what's going on for you and I will talk to you next time. Bye. 

24:06 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a  more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.