00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 151, "Connection." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:19 

Well, hello there, my cute friends! So happy to be with you today and happy to have you here with me. Thank you so much. I just want to do one quick shout out. I was meeting with a friend of mine, her name is Shanna, today and she has a sister down in Arizona. And Shanna's sister, I'm sorry I don't know your name, but she said that you listen religiously and I just want to thank you for that. Thanks for being around, and next time you're up here in West Jordan, come knock on my door and let's go out to lunch or something. That would be super fun. 

00:50 

Alright, before we actually jump into our topic today, I just was like fooling around on Instagram for a bit and I saw this little clip and I love this lady. She said, "I woke up today and I liked myself, so your like is extra." Isn't that fabulous? Your like of me is just a bonus because my like of myself is really what matters. What really matters in life is that I love myself and I honor myself and I appreciate myself and I give myself the things that I need to be healthy and to be functional and to find joy and satisfaction in this life. Everything above that, when you like me, that's just extra. So I just thought that was a fun thought. I wanted to share that with you today before we jump in. 

01:38 

And jumping in, we are going to be talking about connection today. I love connection because this has been in the last several years of my life something that I've started to connect with a little bit more myself, and I think a lot of years I didn't much connect with people. I did at some level, but I feel like I've really learned how to connect at a different level. Still have a long way to go, no doubt, but I love the things that I've learned about connection. I wanted to talk about that today. So connection is really the ability to connect to people where they are, not where we think they should be. Now this is what I've noticed about a lot of us middle-aged women: we have a really good understanding of where other people should be and what other people should be doing and how they should be doing it. We have a lot of opinions at this age and we've seen a lot of things and we think that we're pretty darn smart. And because of that I think sometimes that can keep us from connecting with people because we have these ideas about where other people should be and what they should be doing. 

02:52 

But our goal in meeting with people is seeing them where they are. Not wanting them to change, not trying to morph them into something else. But we need to learn to love them for who they are, not judging them for their behaviors or the things that they say. Really, just standing back and letting people be people, let everybody walk their own walk, and we just stand back and take care of our own walk. And we just appreciate the fact that these other people are in our lives and that we get to watch them work through their journey in this thing called "life." There's an opportunity for us to see the spiritual essence of other people and to look beyond their behaviors, their words, the things that we see on the outside. 

03:45 

So often we want to change our spouse or our children. We want to have them act the way that we want them to act. We want them to be what we think they should be or that kind of stuff. We have this ability in middle-aged womanhood to think that everybody should listen to us. And it's time for us to really kind of take a step back from this trying to control all the things. It's so important that we recognize other people's personalities and the things that they love and that we learn to honor those things rather than expecting them to change to scratch our itch, our discomfort. Oftentimes we want people to change because what they are doing, we feel uncomfortable about it. Now, they do not make us feel uncomfortable. We create that discomfort by the thoughts that we think. We think that they shouldn't be doing it or they're doing it wrong. And we feel uncomfortable and then we have this itch and we want them to change because changing will scratch our itch. What is so important for us to understand is that that's not how it works. I created that itch. I'm the only one who can scratch it. Okay? We spend a lot of time focusing on trying to change other people. And it is just one big frustration because we cannot change other people. And I think most of us are at a place where we believe that, but I think we still try and do it. And I think  we do it in ways that often we are completely unaware of. 

05:25 

And this is why sometimes coaching can be so helpful, because as your coach I can help you see places where you may be overstepping boundaries and creating friction in your relationships and a disconnect that you actually don't want to have. But it's easy to understand why this happens, because we grow up in a society that kind of teaches us that we can change other people. And the world teaches us that the problem that we're struggling with is out in the world. It is outside of us. When in actuality, the problem is always within ourselves. The problem is never outside. The focus, then, has to be on ourselves. And this is how we know that the problem is inside and not outside. What's an outside problem for one person is an outside solution for another person. You take almost anything in the world, and something that drives you crazy brings somebody else a lot of joy? Some food that you hate, somebody else can't get enough of. Somebody's behavior that they're doing that you just are so annoyed by? Somebody else will sit by and just find pleasure in watching that. Everything that is a problem for you is a solution for somebody else somewhere. 

06:48 

So the outside world is not the problem. The issue is not what's in the world. It's what's inside of us. It's not the circumstance that creates all the stuff in our life. It is our thinking about the circumstance. What's inside? How I think about it? How my thinking creates my feelings? It's how I choose to see the world. How I choose to engage with the world. How I choose to think about the world. This is what makes all the difference. Not by changing all the things, not by changing the circumstance. Okay? Sometimes we think that if I can change how that person speaks or acts to me, then I'll feel different. So at school, I could say, "oh, if that student would say, 'yes, ma'am,'" which I don't make my students do, by the way, but I could think "if this student would say, 'yes, ma'am,' instead of rolling their eyes at me, I could think that I would feel differently." But no, outside stuff is not going to change how I feel inside. Okay? I have to change what's inside if I want to feel different. If I'm thinking that they'll speak to me in a better tone of voice, what I'm trying to do is to control the other person. 

08:10 

So our real power, our superpower, lies in learning to manage ourselves around the world. Right? Around the outside forces, learning to manage myself within that space, managing my inside world rather than trying to manage all the things on the outside. I feel differently when I think differently because outside forces then don't manage my own emotions. So if I want to feel a certain emotion, I have to start learning how to think. the thoughts that are going to create that emotion. I can't think that I can change my outside circumstances and that that's going to create all the change. It might temporarily, but usually a very short time that we're going to change that because, before we know it, our inside thoughts are creating the same things that they used to create. So when I focus on me, on changing how I see the world, how I see other people, how I see their behaviors, then I am in a better place and I create a safe place for them to learn and to grow and possibly even move into the space that I desired for them in the first place. 

09:30 

Okay, so here's a little thing. All people really want what's best for them, and I think that there's not a lot of people in the world who are honestly trying to, like, really destroy their lives. I think most of us at some level are doing the best that we can. We're trying to create the best life for ourselves. Now some people may not have a lot of tools. They may not have all these things to help them, but I think that all people are trying to do the things that are best for them. So here's the thing. If what I wanted truly is the best for them, then there's a good chance, a possibility, that they will ultimately move into that space on their own. If what I saw, what I felt for them, was in their best interest honestly, they may move into that on their own. Now, they may not. We may have different ideas of what's best for them, but by my being on their case or trying to change them, trying to make them do things a different way, that is not creating a space for them. A lot of times, I know especially with the teenagers at school, as soon as I put up a little bit of resistance, I get a lot of resistance back. And I think that that's just human tendency, that we don't want our agency taken away. We don't want people telling us what to do. We don't want to be forced to do something we don't want to do. And so when we can learn to back off and give people space, loving them, letting them figure it out on their own, this creates a space for them to discover who they are and what they want to be. And they will probably have a different path of getting to that space than I would have had for them. 

11:24 

So, in regards to my children, I may think that they need to do this, they need to go to school, they need to do whatever. I may have a path for them to get to what I would call their "happily ever after," right? But, if I try and move them in that  direction, if I try and manipulate them or push them in that direction, I get a lot of resistance. Even if the child thinks in their own head that it's a good thing, they will get a lot of resistance. So by me learning how to back off and give them the space to discover themselves and to discover their own path of getting where they want to go, then I'm creating connection. 

12:08 

When I try and take away people's agency by trying to control their things, that breaks down every piece of connection that could have been available to us. There is a space where we have to learn to live from this place of love, this place of trusting them and trusting God that everything will work out for the best, that they will find their space. Now, it may not be by the path that we thought that they should, and that's okay. Everybody has their own path. Everybody gets to create their own life, and as we can learn to step back and honor that, then we can start to create connections with those people around us. We have to create that safe space. My love will create this space for them so that they can explore and they can try and they can fail without judgment. That creates connection, giving people their agency, not trying to infringe on their agency. 

13:17 

And it starts by coming from this place of unconditional love. And this, we've talked about this concept before, but there's a space in unconditional love where we see and accept someone for who they are. We accept their perception. We try and see the world from their eyes. What are they thinking? What are they feeling? Sometimes it's perfectly appropriate to ask that question outright of them and to just say, "tell me more," get really curious about what's going on with them. "Tell me more about what you're thinking, what you're feeling, why you believe this, where did it come from, what happens when," you know, whatever, but they're getting into that place. Sometimes it's really appropriate. Sometimes it's not. And if you have a space where it's not appropriate, it's great to try to imagine and understand what they're thinking and what they're feeling. Why would they make that decision? Why do I think they would, if they're acting in their best interest, how could they see that this is in their best interest? Because here's the thing, as long as we are standing in judgment, we cannot feel love or connection. We have got to step out of this place of judgment, of thinking that people are doing it wrong. and just accept that they're probably doing it exactly right for them. Separation comes when we are in judgment. 

14:50 

We cannot judge other people and connect with them at the same time. Cannot happen. And when we live in a space of being right, we cannot create connection because right puts one person above the other. It creates that distance so that we're not on this horizontal relationship. Right? Puts us in a vertical relationship where one person goes above the other and we cannot connect in vertical relationships. We can only connect in these horizontal ones. So there's three things that I want us to remember of how to truly create this connection. We're going to call this the three C's. 

15:38 

One, we've got to get curious. When someone else has a different idea, when they have different beliefs, when they have different thoughts, curiosity is the first step. We need to truly see the other person and we do that through curiosity by asking them all the questions. Tell me all the things about why you believe what you believe, why you think what you think, why this is important to you, why are you living the way that you're living? Really getting curious, truly seeing the other person and seeking to see things from their point of view. When we step into this space of curiosity, then this creates compassion in us. Compassion because we truly see the other person and we see them at a deeper level. We understand them at a deeper level and that helps us feel compassion for their viewpoint, compassion for where they are and that brings us to a deeper level, closer, this compassion creates the connection that we are seeking. Connect the path to connection goes through curiosity and compassion. That's how we get to connection. We have to start stepping out of our own brain that thinks that we have all the answers and we know what's best. We tend to do that, especially I've listened and watched a lot of middle-aged women and this is a go-to for us, "I know what's best. I know what we should do. I know what everybody should do. I know what all the people should do," and yet guess what? We don't. We have an inside scoop on what we should do and how we should behave and how we should connect with ourselves and with others but we don't have those answers for other people. And so by learning to get curious and feel compassion for other people, we can start to create the kinds of connections that we really want to create. 

17:41 

Now, one last thing I want to talk about before we hop off today is that this concept of connection does not apply only to people outside of us. I think probably first and foremost, this concept has to apply to ourselves as well. It is so important that we learn to be curious about ourselves in order to connect with ourselves. We have to start learning how to be non judgmental of ourselves if we are going to connect with ourselves. And I think a lot of us find that there are holes in ourselves and we have these places where we don't feel like we're complete, where we're missing maybe some confidence or some strength or some resilience. And we try to feel these holes with other people. We try to bring other people into our lives to strengthen us. We try to control their behaviors so that those holes don't feel so gaping in us. But this is the problem that never works. People cannot feel the holes within ourselves. We have to feel them ourselves. And when we can learn to feel those things within ourselves and learn to believe in ourselves and love ourselves and embrace ourselves. When we can feel all those holes and feel as though we are whole, w-h-o-l-e, when we can feel that we are whole, then we can start to connect with other people at even a deeper level. But it requires a whole me coming to the table, not expecting other people to fill in my inadequacies and my insecurities. So it's so vital that we have curiosity with ourselves. 

19:42 

Again, learn to ask all the questions, learn to become aware, learn to figure out what's really going on with me. What's creating the things that are being created in my life right now? I was doing a thought download just this morning about some feelings of insecurity that I was having regarding something. And it was fascinating as I went through this thought download and tried to figure out, like, where is the insecurity coming from? Why do I feel it? What thought is creating the insecurity? And as I discovered that, I made some really amazing discoveries about myself. And then when I understood where that insecurity was coming from, then I could move into a place of compassion for myself because I knew where it was coming from. I knew where it was stemming from and I could feel compassion. I could say, "wow, of course you're going to feel insecure in this situation. Of course you're going to. That makes sense." And then I started to feel more connected with myself because I understood myself better. I understood my behaviors, why I was doing the things I was doing, why I was feeling the way that I was feeling. 

21:02 

When we start moving into this space of our own connection with ourselves in understanding what we're doing, it makes a huge difference in how we feel about ourselves. And then I can take that into the world and create greater connection with others, because I'm not using other people to shore up my insecurities. I'm not intimidated by somebody else having a different opinion than me. I can be completely curious about someone having a different opinion and not be scared or frightened or intimidated by it because I am whole. I'm bringing my whole self to the table. Then I can get curious. And when I can get curious enough, then I can create that compassion within me. And then I can start to create the connection that I really want to have with other people. 

22:05 

So I love the thought that as I learn to let go of trying to control other people, let go of trying to make them do things a certain way, to manage my own behaviors as I learn to embrace them for who they are, and rather than try and move into their space to have them do things a certain way, I just create a safe connection. space for them to come in so that they know that they can explore, they can figure things out, they can fail in this space. And I'm just going to be there loving them. I'm going to love them regardless of what happens. I'm going to give them this space that they need. And what they do or how they do it is not going to change my love for them. It's not going to change how I want to be with them. So when I learn to focus within myself, then I can, rather than trying to change the world, then I can really start to make connections with other people because I'm not trying to change other people. When I see all of my struggles as stemming from me and not stemming from something outside of me, there's where I know that I'm going to find my answer, because the answer is always inside of me. The answer is always inside of you. Every answer you need is inside of there. 

23:33 

As a coach, what I do is help you discover those answers that are in there because sometimes we don't know how to get to them. Even this morning after that amazing thought download I did, I had a coaching session with my coach and we went over what I had been working through and there were even more insights available to me as I worked through those thoughts then with a coach. It was so amazing and so beautiful and so insightful to understand myself better. Moving more into that place of curiosity about myself, what's making me tick? What's making me feel the things that I'm feeling? What am I thinking? And then when I understand that, then I have compassion for myself and then I connect with myself and then I can connect with others. This is the process of growing up in middle-age: learning how to step out of this space of trying to control all the things. 

24:31 

It can be hard because if you were a mom, I know for me as a mom, I was in control of all the things all the time. I was in control of everything in my house and all my kids' clothing and all the meals and getting the cars done and taking care of  the yard work, and I was in charge of everything. And learning to let go of pieces of that control, learning to let go of my children, the people in my life, can be a challenge for sure. But until we do that, until we let go of that control, we cannot connect. When as long as I think that I know how somebody else should live their life, I cannot connect. As long as I think that I know what they should do, I cannot connect. It has to start with me letting go of control, seeking to control only what I can, which is the stuff inside of me, not the stuff outside of me. And then really moving into making myself whole and then developing great curiosity and compassion for those people in my life that I love dearly. 

25:50 

Okay. There we go. My friends, hope that is helpful. If you want to meet with me to talk about this and how you can move better into connection with people around you and see things that you are not currently seeing, I promise you they're there. And coaching is just such a brilliant process to do that. You can set up a free consult with me at tanyahale.com. And there's a place on there where you can sign up for a free 30 minute consult where we can talk about how coaching can help you, how it can help you speed up this process of growth and development and help you see things that you're not seeing so that you can move forward. Is it difficult sometimes? You bet it is. There's no piece of me that's going to say that all of this coaching stuff is easy. If it was easy, everybody would be doing it. It's not easy. It's a challenge and sometimes when you see what you see in yourself, like I did this morning, it's not a pretty sight. Sometimes you see things and you're just like," I don't like that. I don't like it." And yet guess what? It's what it is. And until we see it, until we see it, we don't move forward. I have one of my coach friends uses this phrase. She says, "the stress of awareness is better than the stress of avoidance." We're going to feel stress either way. I may as well feel stress with awareness because awareness gives me a plan. It gives me hope. It gives me a place to move forward. Whereas avoidance, stressful, but I'm also trapped. If you're tired of being trapped, tired of feeling stuck, coaching may just be the answer for you. I know that it has been the answer for me and I can't imagine myself, my life without coaching either. At this point or in the future, coaching is just a valuable, valuable part of my personal growth plan. Alright, my friends, that's going to do it for us today. I hope you have a really, really terrific day and I will talk to you next week. Bye. 

28:07 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.