00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 142, "Pay Attention." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:20 

Alright, hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast today. Where I live in Utah, spring is here and it is so nice. Of course, it's a very early spring, which means we'll probably have a couple more snow storms in the next month or so, but the feel in the air is completely different and it makes my little spirit want to sing happy songs. I love springtime so much, my favorite time of the year because I get a whole beautiful spring and summer and fall ahead of me, and I love the anticipation of all the good things that these times hold. 

00:58 

Anyway, we're going to jump in today, episode 142, and we're going to be talking about paying attention. I'm going to start off with a couple of definitions. First of all, the definition of pay means "to give or to offer," and the definition of attention means "applying the mind to something." When we put these together, it means "to give the application of our mind to something." We are focusing our mind on something that we want to. The first question that came to my mind was, well, what deserves our attention? I have to say, I am not a fan of the word "deserves," but it still comes up in my brain. When we use the word "deserve," there's just a feeling for this of me that feels like I have to do something. When I say "what deserves my attention," what do I have to give my attention to? Instead, I want to think about "what do I choose to give my attention to?" Because what do I value the most? And I want to learn to be more intentional with how I'm choosing to live my life. And part of that is what am I choosing to give my attention to? 

02:17 

It's so easy to be in default mode. Most of us are not intentional with how we spend our time. And that's because our primitive brain that runs, I don't remember the specific numbers at this point. I used to know them, but, it seems like it's something like 85% of our day is run on repeat by our primitive brain. And our primitive brain just wants to do what is quick, what is easy, what's going to conserve energy, what's not going to cause pain, right? So what is easy is for us to be scrolling on our phone, looking things up, watching TV or movies, just vegging, doing nothing, looking through People Magazine, social media scrolling. These are all things that are pseudo-productive. Now, that's not to say that these things are always bad. There's always a time and place for time that we just need to chill, time that we wanna watch TV, time for checking out social media. But these things are not always going to be taking us to the place that we really want to go. And so directing and choosing our attention takes prefrontal cortex brain, okay? We have to intentionally direct and choose what we're going to pay attention to. Otherwise, our primitive brain is going to focus on things that don't matter, because to be honest, the things that really matter are the things that take energy. They're things that require a lot more focus. And our primitive brain doesn't want to do that. So we have to engage that prefrontal cortex, that thinking part of our brain. 

04:07 

So we're gonna talk today about three places that we can pay attention to for more depth and fulfillment in our lives. We're going to talk about paying attention to other people, paying attention to ourselves, and paying attention to our lives. Now, there's loads of things we could pay attention to, but I just want to talk about these three things today. So first of all, paying attention to others. This is the deal. Lives revolve around our relationships. We want strong, healthy, connected, deep relationships with people. And so many of the relationship issues that we have stem from a lack of attention. We don't see the other person. We don't acknowledge the other person. We don't appreciate the other person. Paying attention means that we are focusing our energy on the other person. When our children speak to us, are we really focused and paying attention? When our spouse is with us, are we really focused and paying attention? What about when we're with friends? Are we giving it our all? And how are we using our attention? Are we still scrolling on our phones while someone's trying to talk to us? Or do we set that phone down and look at them in the eyes? So we only have so much attention to give. And are we using it well to strengthen these relationships? Are we willing to focus this attention that we have on what matters most? 

05:44 

And one of those things that matters most is our relationships with other people. Being willing to focus takes intentional effort. Oftentimes our attention is focused on our phones when we're speaking with other people. It always amazes me how often I might catch myself like constantly looking down at my phone when somebody's talking to me and how hard it is to break that. And I found that for me, if I just take it and set it aside and get my hands off of it, turn it upside down, turn the ringer off, that helps me so much to be able to pay attention. But it's so easy to be back and forth. My mind wanders a lot. I don't know about y'all, but I'm a self-diagnosed ADD-er and my mind wanders a lot. And these things, like the phone and mind wandering or glancing off to the TV that's in the distance, these are very easy primitive brain activities and our brain wants to do that. And we oftentimes think, "well, I can multitask." I can look at my phone and do this. And I try that sometimes. Sometimes I'll put on a podcast and I'll think, "well, I can listen to the podcast and I can just scroll the social media while I'm doing this." And you know, no, it really doesn't work. And from articles that I've read, the reason why is because our brains have to focus on one thing at a time. And we may think that we're doing too, but what's happening is our brain is bouncing back and forth, back and forth, back and forth really, really quickly, but it's bouncing back and forth, which is depleting energy. 

07:29 

I tell my students at school this, they're always like, "well, can I listen to music while I do my homework? Or while I read this," and I'm like, "no, you can't, because your brain will constantly be bouncing back and forth between what you're reading and the words and the music. And so it's going to take you longer to get done what you want to get done. And your comprehension of what you're reading is going to go way down." So multitasking is a myth. It is not a productive use of our time. 

08:00 

So let me ask you this question: if you were to get on Amazon.com, right, Amazon, get in your prime. And if you could look on there and get healthier, stronger relationships and put that in your shopping cart, what would you be willing to pay for a healthier, stronger relationship? Ten bucks? What about a hundred dollars? What about a thousand dollars to strengthen and fix these relationships that you've got? Would you be willing to pay $10,000? Well, let me ask you this: would you be willing to pay attention? Would you be willing to really be all-in to give it your all, in order to buy that healthier, stronger relationship? Would you be willing to pay attention? Our relationship, if we want it to grow and to be healthy and strong, it has to be a priority. We have to get to know the other person deeply and intimately, and they have to get to know us that way. There has to be vulnerability. 

09:23 

So what is this going to look like to get there? One, we have to remove the distractions. We've talked a little bit about that. Two, to pay attention, we have to engage our curiosity. Finding out about them, asking questions, learn things about them that we don't know yet. There's no person in our life, even if you've been married 50 years, there are going to be things about your spouse that you don't know. Let's engage our curiosity and figure them out. And the last thing it's important for us to do is to love cleanly without an agenda, to really love out of the goodness of my heart because I choose to love, not because I have expectations of them. 

10:09 

Alright, let's move on. The second thing we want to start paying attention to is ourselves. So let's look at those last three things we just talked about. What does it look like to pay attention to ourselves? We have to remove the distractions that keep us from focusing on ourselves. We have to engage in curiosity with ourselves. And remember that question we asked a few weeks ago? Why is that? Why am I doing the things that I'm doing? And we have to learn to love ourselves cleanly. Right? And don't try and manipulate ourselves, which is kind of a fascinating thing to think about how we can and sometimes do try to manipulate ourselves. Alright. So what are we willing to make ourselves a priority? Good question. Are you willing to make yourself a priority? And why would you want to do that? Why would you want to strengthen your relationship with yourself? 

11:08 

Here's an interesting concept I want to offer to you: when we are strong personally, we have more to give to others. I can create more of what do I want to create with other people and with our lives when I am stronger. Paying attention to our own needs creates a greater love and respect for ourselves. And the more we love and respect ourselves, here we go, the less we think of ourselves. It's a huge paradox. We would think that the more we love ourselves, the more we think about ourselves, then the more we would become conceited and the less that we would have to spend on others, but it's actually  the opposite. Because insecurity in ourselves requires a lot of attention and requires a lot of energy. Lack of confidence requires a lot of attention and a lot of energy. Feeling worthless requires a lot of attention and energy because we are constantly seeking for something to fill our bucket. We have this desperate feeling that makes us constantly seeking for validation. 

12:30 

But the more we love ourselves, the less we feel frantic for acknowledgement because we are acknowledging ourselves. It's like a small child is seeking attention any way she or he can get it, even negative. You know those kids who, they'll take any kind of attention they can get and if they're not getting any, they will act out in ways that will make people angry just because they're desperate for attention. But security in ourselves, security that I'm giving myself enough attention, this creates confidence in me. Paying attention to ourselves creates this confidence because then we feel secure. And knowing we will give ourselves the attention we need allows our primitive brain to relax and live in abundance rather than in scarcity. When we love ourselves, we give ourselves the attention we need and then we are no longer consumed with ourselves. We're no longer consumed with patching up our insecurities with our lack of self-worth, with our lack of confidence. When our personal needs are met, then we can look outside of ourselves and give attention to others. It's kind of like Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. The basic needs come first, then we have attention for other things. It's in the gospel. It's often referred to as the "milk before meat" concept. We have to have the basics taken care of and one of the basics is paying attention to ourselves, loving ourselves, being secure in ourselves. So if we can remove the distractions that keep us from caring for ourselves deeply, distractions would be buffering. Buffering are things like wasting time, different kinds of distractions like TV or phone or things like this that do not feed our soul. We have to look at feeding ourselves, taking care of ourselves in a way where we feel confident and secure. 

14:42 

And part of this also is this piece of getting curious. Start, like the podcast a few weeks ago, asking ourselves, "why is that" or "I wonder why" when we engage in certain behaviors. If I catch myself on my phone longer than I want, "stop, stop, Tanya, ask myself, why is that? I wonder why I keep going for my phone. What is going on?" Paying attention helps us really get to know ourselves deeply. And this goes right back to the podcast we did a few weeks ago with my friend Wendy on Intuitive Eating. And then at the end of that, we talked about intuitive living. We can only take care of our needs when we know what our needs are. So what do you need? How do you know what you need? And let me ask you this, do you even know what you need? Some of us are so out of touch with ourselves that we don't even know what we need. And that's a hard place to be. We have to get to the point where we know ourselves. We know what we need and we know how to fulfill our needs. This comes from paying attention to ourselves, from listening to our inner voice, our desires. 

16:08 

You know, it's been kind of interesting. For me, I've had an experience lately that, I was recalling that when I was young, oh, mid-twenties, I had two little boys. I took the color code personality test. If you've ever taken that, there's four colors. I don't remember what all they are. It's been a while, but the yellow one, there's 100 points possible, and the yellow personality is fun. And when I took that test, I came up with 49 out of 100 points were yellow. So I had a very yellow personality. I had one that was peace, one point, literally. And then the others were both like, I think I had 25 in the blue, which was emotional. 25 in the red, which is like control. I don't remember the exact word that they used for that. But here I am, this half yellow personality. And I used to love dancing before I went on my mission. Every weekend we would go on campus at BYU and we would find a dance that was going on and I would just dance like a fool. And I loved it. And then I got a little bit uptight on my mission and I kind of cut that out. And then I got married and it all blew up when I got married. And I really let go of this piece of me. 

17:28 

And I've been trying to tap back into this yellow fun part of my personality. I feel like I just set her on the shelf for a lot of years. I didn't know what to do with her. And lately, about three weeks ago, when I was talking to my friend, Wendy, she mentioned to me that she has been taking 10 minutes a day to just turn on the music and just dance in her office by herself, and how that liberating that has been. And I was like, "okay, I'm gonna try that. I'm gonna start doing that." So I actually have been turning on the music. Sometimes it's in my room by myself. Sometimes it's out in the kitchen with my daughters and my niece who's currently living with me as well. And we just dance like fools in the kitchen. And we are having so much fun. And I have to tell you that it is tapping into a piece of this yellow personality that I put on the shelf for a long time. So I feel like I'm paying attention to something that I want, something that I missed. 

18:31 

So what about you? Is there something that you miss from your past? Is there something that you still yearn for? And ask the question, why do you miss it? Pay attention, my friends, pay attention to your desires. When your mind wanders, where does it go? What do you dream about? What do you need to feed your soul? And don't just ignore yourself. So many of us have ignored ourselves for so long. We've been in this space of being mothers and being wives and taking care of everybody else. And we have ignored ourselves. And we cannot continue to do that. So don't ignore yourself. Look and listen to yourself. Pay attention to yourself. Learn what makes you tick. What for you creates energy? What to pleats your energy? What makes you sad? What makes you upset? What makes you angry? What makes you happy or relaxed or peaceful? Really dig into paying attention to yourself, getting to know yourself better. Such an amazing place to go when we can know ourselves better we have more to give to the world. 

19:50 

The third thing I want to talk about today is paying attention to our life. What are you doing with your life? What are you engaging in? And why are you engaging in those things? If you do a lot of volunteer work, why are you doing it? If you do a lot of house cleaning, why are you doing it? None of those is good or bad. Just figure out why you are living the life you're living. Why are you working the job that you're working? Ask yourselves these questions. If you're not working outside the home, do you know why you're not working? Is it just you never even thought about it or planned on it? Or are you doing it on purpose? Like, what is going on? Make sure that you really know what's going on in your life. Pay attention to the path that you're on and pay attention to where this path you're on is going to take you. And then ask yourself, do I like where this path is going? Do you feel stuck or do you feel completely full of purpose at this point in your life? Do you have the fulfilling relationships that you want to have? Are you under-living? Or are you content and fulfilled? Do you feel as if you settled? You may feel "yes" and "no" in all of these areas in different places in your life. Some areas you may feel very fulfilled, and others you may feel stuck. Totally normal, right? Midlife. This is love middle. I'm love middle age, but it shows us things that we have not seen before. 

21:34 

Most of us, our lives are not where we planned when we were 20 years old. And we don't recognize where we are. It's nothing that was ever in that future dream plan. So, but where we are right now doesn't matter near as much as what direction we're facing, whether we're sitting or standing or lounging, whether we're discouraged or whether we're hopeful, whether we're moving or whether we're at a standstill. Are you paying attention to your life and where you're headed or are you disregarding it? Are you just letting life happen to you? Or are you happening to your life? Are you making the decisions for where you go and what you do? Or are you ignoring life because it's painful and discouraging? Maybe lots of your life is good, but there are aspects of your life that you're ignoring. Things are pretty good except that one child with whom your relationship is painful or that one friendship that drains you. Or maybe your marriage feels overwhelming and unresolvable. Learning to pay attention, to acknowledge, to focus on, to be curious about these things...this is how we can focus on our life. This will help us to clean up our lives, or just clean up that one aspect that is unsettling to us. 

23:06 

But why continue to hold on to this part of our life that is leaving us feeling unsettled? We don't have to. We can clean this stuff up. Not paying attention or ignoring it is like a small anchor that is holding us back, slowing us down, dragging us under. We're trying to go and maybe we can move with that anchor because it's small enough, but it still is slowing us down. Paying attention to our thoughts helps us to identify what these things are, what these anchors are that are holding us back. 

23:49 

Alright, so to finish up today, my friends. It takes effort, prefrontal cortex effort, to pay attention. Many of us are not yet disciplined enough to pay this kind of attention in all of these areas of our lives, but we can get there. This is the process of life, learning to create what we wanna create. We can learn to pay attention. First, we have to create awareness around where we're not paying attention. And sometimes that's like those dark places in us that we don't wanna see, right? "I don't wanna see where I'm not paying attention because then I feel like I'm not doing a very good job," right? But until we create that awareness and know where we're not paying attention, we have no idea where to move forward. 

24:40 

And second, we need to discover the thoughts that are keeping us checked out and we need to create new intentional thoughts. This is a huge process of coaching. My coach does this with me all the time. She helps me to create awareness  and she helps me figure out the thoughts that are holding me back from where I wanna go. That is the same process that I work with with my clients. So if you feel like you need help learning to pay closer attention to what you want and figure out how to do it in a faster, more streamlined way, coaching is an amazing option. We can get to a place where we can really learn to focus our attention and be where we want. Especially at this stage in our lives, there is so much for us to contribute to the world if we can learn to pay attention to the things that really matter. This is the part of middle life that is amazing and this is the part of growing up that is so fun and liberating. 

25:52 

If you would love to have a free coaching consult with me, we can talk about whether coaching is a good option for you. You can go to my website tanyahale.com and you can book a free 30 minute consult where we can talk all things coaching. We can figure out how this is going to work best in your life. And as we close up today as always, if you feel like this podcast is adding value to your life, please share it with people that you feel could also benefit. You can share it word of mouth. Also, as you're listening to the podcast, there's a place on your podcast app where you can share it to someone in a text message or an email. If you find a podcast episode that really speaks to you and you know someone else would like it, send it to them. And if you've not left me a review, please go ahead and do that. And that's going to do it for me today, my friends. I wish you all the best and I will talk to you again next week. See you later. Bye.