00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 125, "Love It Before You Leave It." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:23 

Well, hello there, my friends. Welcome to the podcast today. Glad you could make it. Hey, before we jump in today, I was working with a consult this last week and they asked me, they said, "is this a good time for coaching or would it be better to wait until after the new year?" And I was just like, "oh my gosh, this is the best time to jump into coaching," because for so many of us, the holidays seem to be a time with a lot of things going on, a lot of family drama sometimes, maybe there's some friend drama. We tend to be overextended. We tend to not take such good care of ourselves. There's so many reasons that coaching is a valuable thing to have at this time of year. So if you are interested in looking at how to manage your life a little bit better during these holiday seasons, give me a call. Well, can't call me. Go to my website, tanyahale.com. You can book a consult there or you can do that on my Facebook page, which is Tanya Hale LDS Life Coaching. There's a "book now" button there that you can push as well. Both of those will take you to my calendar where you can schedule a free consult. This is the best time to get started. Waiting until the new year, I mean better than not at all, but this is a great time if you're interested. 

01:56 

So, today we are talking about loving it before you leave it. Okay so if you've been listening for at least a couple of months you've probably heard this analogy, but I'm going to share it again because it is so applicable here. Imagine you have a car that is having some overheating issues and every day driving to work on Bangerter Highway it starts to overheat and you barely make it to work. And then driving home, same thing, you're barely making it home. Well, one day you're just fed up with the overheating and you decide that instead of taking Bangerter Highway to work, I'm going to take Mountain View Corridor and see if that fixes the problem. So with high hopes, you drive west instead of east. You get onto the corridor and make your way to work and then, shocker of all shockers, your car starts to overheat again and you barely make it to work. 

02:48 

What? The what? Like it doesn't make any sense. You completely took a different road and your car still overheated and how is that possible? Okay, you know where I'm going with this. You're listening to this thinking, "okay, this is a stupid analogy." Of course the car would still overheat. It has everything to do with the car and nothing to do with the road you're driving. That, my friends, is exactly the point. The problem is with the car. It is not with the road we are taking. Switching roads will never stop the car from overheating. 

03:27 

But when it comes to our lives and the path that we are on, the circumstances we are living in, we often believe something completely different. We think that if we just change roads, if we change the circumstance, that everything will be better. Because what we often fail to see in life is that, more often than not, guess what? We are the problem. We are the one overheating and just changing our circumstance will not fix the issues, okay? I see students at school all the time who really think it's the teacher's fault that they're not doing well in a class. And they fuss and then their parents fuss and then they get their their teacher changed, only to find, surprise surprise, that they do just as badly in the second class as they did the first. And I think we probably all know someone who is frequently changing jobs because of the work environment, their co-workers, their boss, the work hours, or it's not getting them where they want to go. And so they switch jobs, always thinking it will be better there than here. 

04:43 

And because there is a lot of novelty when we change the circumstance. Our brain gets excited because it has lots of new things to learn, a lot of new stimuli, but give it time until the newness wears off. And pretty soon, our brain starts behaving in the same way that it always has. It will start finding similar problems with the environment, their co-workers or their boss, and they'll realize the job is not getting them where they want to go. So why is this? Why do we eventually start finding the same problems in the new job? 

05:21 

It's because we're taking the same brain that thinks the same way and just putting it into a new circumstance, just like we're taking the same car with the same overheating issue to the new road. If you are unsatisfied in your job or your marriage or whatever your circumstance is, here's what it comes down to...You have to learn to love it before you leave it. That is the only way you can be sure that you are fixing the problem, which is the way you are thinking about the circumstance, rather than just running away from the circumstance, hoping that that will fix the problem. Okay, really quick caveat here. Obviously, this does not apply to dangerous, abusive situations, okay? Those types of things fit outside the realm of coaching thought work. And you just have to get yourself out of those situations immediately, okay? So, if you're in an abusive, dangerous situation, just thinking these thoughts is not going to protect you, right? You've got to do something a little bit more drastic. But if it's a normal, challenging circumstance without the danger, without the abuse, it's so important to remember that it won't be better there than here. We have to do the work on ourselves first. We have to fix our thinking before we change the circumstance. 

06:51 

Now, I know some of y 'all are feeling a little frustrated and annoyed right now. And guess what? That's perfectly alright. I totally 100% get that. Working with my coach last week, I was completely annoyed at something she was helping me to see because I didn't want to see it. I wanted to think that I was right. And so if you're feeling frustrated with this, I get the frustration, right? But stick with me. I want to help you understand this concept so you can see how it's working in your life. And then you can decide what, if anything, you want to do about it, how you would want to implement this. 

07:31 

So let's dig a little deeper here so you can really start to understand what I'm talking about. So let's go to the thought model, okay? So let's start with the circumstance. So if you have listened to podcast number 96 and 97, you have a pretty good understanding of the thought model at this point. If you have not listened to those yet, check those out, and it will make this next section make a lot more sense for you. Okay? So the circumstance is the first line of our thought model and it is the only part of the model that we don't have any control over. The circumstance is always neutral, however. 100% neutral. It is also always a fact. So when looking at your own circumstance, make sure that you, first of all, state your circumstance as a fact, as something that everyone in the world could agree on, something that could be proven in a court of law if necessary. 

08:29 

So rather than "my boss is a jerk," it would be "I have a boss" or "my boss's name is..." right? Rather than I have a really difficult marriage, you would say "I am married" or "I am married to..." "my husband's name is..." okay? Instead of "my adult children don't respect me," we would say "I have three adult children." This part of the process does start to make it very clear to us what our circumstance is and what our thoughts about the circumstance are. 

09:06 

This is one of the first things I work with my clients on because most of us have had thoughts our whole lives that we think are true facts. We have generally made our thoughts our circumstances, and it can be really challenging to separate them out at first because we've never done it that way. We've always looked at our thoughts as being true, okay? But we have to start recognizing that our thoughts and our circumstances are different. Once we get our thoughts separated out from the circumstances, we can start to see how the circumstance really is neutral, and it's our thoughts about the circumstance that are making it positive or negative, that are giving us that positive or negative experience. We can start to see that it's not the circumstance that's the problem, it's our thinking about the circumstance that's the problem. In essence, it's not the road that's the problem, it's the car, it is us. 

10:07 

So your brain will initially give you some serious pushback on this idea because it's so much easier to blame something or someone else for how we feel than it is to look inside and see ourselves as the problem. I love the idea that when I think that everyone else is the problem, that's actually the problem. And seeing what I'm bringing to the situation is the solution. Seeing how I'm making it a problem is the beginning of the solution. And if I'm not seeing that, then I am all the problem, right? And why is seeing how I'm making it a problem the solution? Because I have zero control over how anybody else shows up. I can't control what they think or what they feel or what they do, okay? And the quicker that I can separate those things out, the more I can see that not being able to control other people gives me all the power within myself to change what I can, okay? 

11:17 

Now this does not mean that everybody else in the world gets a free pass and can act like jerks whenever they want to without consequences. I definitely get to set boundaries and choose my own responses to how other people show up, right? But what it does mean is that I get to focus on my behavior first and foremost, and I get myself to a great place before I make any big decisions to leave. 

11:44 

So here's an amazing thing to understand about our circumstances. Our circumstances exist to show us ourselves. They happen in our lives to give us a glimpse into who we really are. They let us see what is deep on the inside of us by exposing our weaknesses and our trigger points, but they also teach us about our strengths and our amazing characteristics. If we are choosing to be aware, our circumstances are the perfect place for us to become more self-aware. 

12:21 

Unfortunately, for many of us, though, we have gotten into the habit of changing our circumstances whenever we start to feel some discomfort. Things at work can start to get a little difficult, and we look for a new job rather than looking for what there is for us to learn in that situation. We just want to get rid of the discomfort. A friend of ours starts expressing opinions that are different than ours, and rather than facing the discomfort and getting curious about their newfound thoughts, we back away, we reach out less to that friend, and we end up putting them on the "estranged friend list" status. Whether it's a situation or a relationship, it's very important that we learn to love it, to learn to love our ability to respond the way our best self would rather than running away from it. There is no growth in the running away. 

13:16 

However, there is huge growth potential in getting really curious about what is happening in our own minds and figuring out what thoughts are creating our feelings of discomfort. When we take the time to figure out those thoughts, then we can start to take full advantage of what the circumstance has to offer us, and what it has to offer is greater self-awareness that brings us more into integrity with ourselves, with God, and with the people around us. 

13:50 

So here's something that's not really Gospel doctrine, but something that I believe very strongly. I think that even if we change our circumstances, that same type of circumstance will continue to come into our lives, because these circumstances are there to teach us a valuable lesson. There is something in that circumstance for us to personally learn from. I believe God knows exactly what our strengths and our weaknesses are, and He provides us with circumstances that will both capitalize on our strengths and will show us our weaknesses. I have to learn the lessons in front of me before I can move on, so I will continue to get circumstances that will bring up opportunities for me to learn them until I do, to learn those lessons. There is a really great quote, Pema Children, she says, "nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. If we run 100 miles per hour to the other end of the continent in order to get away from the obstacle, we find the very same problem waiting for us when we arrive. It just keeps returning with new names, forms, and manifestations until we learn whatever it has to teach us about where we are separating ourselves from reality, how we are pulling back instead of opening up, closing down instead of allowing ourselves to experience fully whatever we encounter without hesitating or retreating into ourselves." So good, right? The very same problems will keep existing for us over and over until we learn what we need to learn. 

15:38 

But here's the thing. Our brain really wants to think that it will be better there in a new circumstance than it is here. We tend to have this idea that real happiness lies in a different circumstance or a different relationship. It is so vitally important that we understand the circumstances don't make us happy or sad...we do. We make ourselves happy or sad. We make ourselves the victor or the victim. I was in a pretty tough marriage for 24 years and even though we struggled to be happy as a couple, I didn't struggle too much, especially more so in the later years, with being happy as a person with myself because I didn't depend on my marriage or my spouse to make me happy. And when I did go through times when I thought that my marriage or my husband should be making me happy, those were the times that I was miserable. I did that a lot more during the first seven years or so that we were married when I realized I couldn't depend on either the marriage or my husband for my happiness and decided to be happy even if those circumstances were challenging, everything changed for me. 

16:57 

So by the time we got divorced after 24 years, I was in a really good place with myself. Mostly I was happy with where I was in handling what I felt were challenging circumstances. Was I spectacular at it? Definitely not all of the time. I was still needing to manage my thoughts a lot. I still had specific situations that came up that were really difficult for me and where I didn't manage my thoughts at all. But I had really learned in very many circumstances how to be happy with myself. So much so that when a lot of people found out that we were getting divorced or that we were already divorced, they were surprised because of how they saw me behaving with myself. So if I was so happy personally, why would I have filed for divorce? Why would I have wanted to leave the relationship? 

17:53 

Okay, here's what it came down to for me. I really felt that my relationship with my husband was complete. I felt that I had learned from that relationship what God wanted me to learn, that it was not a healthy place for him or for me, and that it was time to move on. We will feel that it is complete when we have learned from the experience what we have to learn. But I didn't move on thinking that I would be happier not married, because I really wasn't. I was the same happy with myself that I was in my marriage. I was the same car. I was just now driving a different road. Sometimes we think we can chase happiness by changing our circumstances. 

18:42 

So how do we know when we need to stick around and work on our own happiness and empowerment? Well, one key factor is when we feel an urgency to change the situation. Now again, if there's serious harm at play here, urgency is important. But if it's just a challenging situation, urgency can be a signal that you're trying to move out of the circumstance and get out of the discomfort rather than moving into a better self-awareness and personal growth opportunity. Also, if we have a sense that we have to destroy the circumstance in order to leave, that's a sign as well that we may be better staying on and working on us, managing our mind. If you have a desire to burn every bridge before you leave your job, that is an indication that there is work for you to do on yourself first. I'm not saying that later on it won't be the right time to leave a job, a friendship, or a marriage. But if you feel urgency or a desire to wreak havoc, there's some thought work that needs to be done first. There are still lessons to be learned. You are overheating. Okay? You have to take care of your overheating before you change roads. 

20:03 

Wouldn't it be beautiful to leave a challenging job with so much gratitude in your heart for what you learned? Not just in the job but about yourself, knowing that you grew so much in your self-awareness and love. We don't have to hate a situation in order to give ourselves permission to leave. We can just leave because we feel it is complete. But again, we won't feel it's complete until we have learned from the experience what there is to learn. This is what challenging circumstances have to offer us: insight into our true selves, understanding of our thoughts and what they are creating in our lives, clarity about our strengths and our weaknesses. 

20:48 

A client I was working with was convinced that her job was the problem. Convinced. It took us several sessions before she showed up one week and declared, "oh my gosh, it's not the job. It's me." And that's when everything started to change for her. She no longer got sick to her stomach on Sunday night. She found herself being more interested in the processes and the people at work. She came to realize that when she managed her thoughts around her job, that there was a lot more that she enjoys about it than she realized when we first started working together. And here's the beauty of this. She may still decide to decide to leave the job, but she won't be leaving it without having learned the lessons about herself that this job has to offer her. She has learned that she gets to choose what to think about her job and that what she chooses to think impacts her whole experience with the job. And if she does leave, she will leave with better relationships, with satisfaction of a job well done, with gratitude for the experience and the lessons learned. She won't feel an urgency to leave. She won't feel she needs to burn bridges and hate her job in order to create a reason for needing to leave. She'll just be able to leave because she wants to. She will leave with peace and calm in her soul. She will want a different experience, but she won't be running away from this one. She will instead intentionally step into a new job. If you're in a hurry to get out of your pain, slow down, take a breath, and realize that the pain is there as information. You have things to learn. 

22:37 

So the question isn't so much, "how do you know when you should stay and work on the relationship or when you should leave?" The question becomes, "how do you know if you should stay and work on your mind or if you're ready to leave?" One of the best ways to know is that there is no rush and you don't feel the need to destroy it or hate it first. You can be honest,  you can communicate openly, you feel good about it, you won't have fear or shame around the decision, and you will feel all of these things when you've done some good work on your mind, on your thoughts, and learned the lessons available to you. It will feel complete in a very calm and peaceful way. So love it before you leave it. Get curious about why you want to leave. If you want to leave, figure out "what are my reasons?" Your reasons may be very valid, alright? They may be very good and you may love your reasons, but if your reasons are that you want to escape the pain, right, it may be something to take another look at. If you want to leave because it's painful, pay attention to the pain because there's information there. 

23:55 

And if you need some help, guess what? Get in touch with me. I can help you understand your thoughts surrounding the circumstance and help you understand where you need to stay and work on your mind or whether it's time to leave, whether it's complete. As your life coach, this is what I do. I help you see your thoughts. I help you manage your thoughts. I help you to live more fully, more intentionally. And this is an amazing piece of growing up, is this intentional living. It's pretty awesome, yeah? Yeah, I'm gonna answer that for myself. Yes, it's pretty awesome. 

24:38 

Okay, thank you so much for being here with me today. If you have not subscribed to the podcast, please do so. If you have not left me a review, I would love to have a review. That would be so fabulous. And if you would continue to share this with people that you feel would benefit and would love the same kind of information, just keep sharing. I love it. I love the growth that we're going through here. And I'm so happy to be a part of your lives. Wish you all the best this week and I will talk to you later. Bye. 

25:09 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.