00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 122, "Your Story About You." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:23 

Well, hello there my friends, welcome, welcome to the podcast. Really glad to have you here with me today. If you are new, so happy to have you. Welcome to the club. If you have been with us for a while, thanks for coming back and thanks for your support. If you have been listening and you enjoy this, I would love it so much and it would help me if you would go on to wherever you listen to your podcast and leave me a review. That helps other people to see it. It kind of bumps it up so that it becomes more visible for other people who are looking for similar kinds of content. So if you would do that, that would be fabulous for other people and it would be fabulous for me. And that's it, we're just going to jump in today. 

01:08 

Today's title is "Your Story About You." And this is such a valuable topic that I am just so excited to share it with you. So let's start by talking about what a story is. So generally a story is a narrative of something that happened, but very often much of the story is not true. Or it is told from a specific point of view that severely narrows the amount of true information. So my mother was a great storyteller. She could have an experience, and I could have it with her, and when I heard her tell the story about what happened, it was just so much better and juicier than what I experienced when I was with her. And I would never call my mother a liar. She just loved a good story and she loved to embellish. So maybe some people would call that lying but it never seemed like lying to me because it was never hurtful or harmful in any way. It just became much more entertaining. So have you ever heard it called "the art of storytelling?" Because there are even professional storytellers out there who make a living being really good at telling stories. 

02:17 

So stories are often found in truth or in a real event, but they have taken on a whole life of their own through elaboration, adding details and making it more entertaining. So in reality, our brains have a way of creating stories for us. Sometimes when we don't know all the specific details of something, our brains like to fill in the blanks so that it makes more sense. So this is why eye witnesses can often be so sketchy. Because people see things from different perspectives and our brains fill in the blanks with whatever will help it to make sense in our own brain. So all the empty pieces that don't make sense, our brain creates something. 

02:59 

So what does this have to do with your story about you? Well, pretty much everything, right? We have created stories about ourselves throughout our lives. There are generally facts involved, but our brains have done a pretty good job at filling in the blanks. The problem for so many of us is that our brains are geared toward negativity. It's part of our survival instinct and this negativity fills in the blanks of our stories with a lot of negative hogwash sometimes. So let's say for instance that when you were about five or six you dropped a glass cup while you were helping to do the dishes and it broke. So maybe your mother or father made an exasperated comment because they were tired and grumpy about how you were so clumsy. So here's what your brain will do: it will take that thought that you are clumsy and it will store it away and it will bring it out every time you do something that could be thought of as clumsy. And you will start telling yourself this story about how clumsy you are. 

04:03 

And this becomes the narrative that runs in your brain for your whole life unless we hijack it and choose to think something else. So now here you are in your 50s and every time you drop something or trip over something or bump into something you tell yourself that you are clumsy, and clumsy has become your story. In fact, you actually create more clumsy because you think that you're clumsy, right? But in reality, you're not necessarily clumsy. You're just actually a human because humans do all of those things all the time. They drop things and trip over things and bump into things, right? But clumsy has become the story that you tell yourself. And "I'm so clumsy" has become an unconscious thought that your primitive brain starts saying without any awareness that you are saying it. But every time you say it, even in your unconscious, you are  reinforcing the idea that you're clumsy. Now, being clumsy may not seem like that big of a deal, but what if your parents told you that you were stupid or worthless? And that became the running narrative in the back of your brain. What if they told you that you were smart or capable or ingenious? All of these would be thoughts would be put into our brains and our primitive brain would be replaying them whenever the occasion seemed right. 

05:30 

It's so important to start recognizing the stories that we tell ourselves about ourselves by discovering the thoughts roaming around in our head. By learning to identify these thoughts, we set in motion the first and the biggest step. Deciding if these thoughts serve us is another step. And then learning to replace them if we decide they don't serve us is the next step. So let's look at a bigger story of our life that we can tell. I have the option of looking at my life from different perspectives. Each story will have elements of truth, but I get to decide how I want to fill in the blanks. So what's the story I want to tell? What do I want to make those elements of truth mean? Let me give you an example from my own life. 

06:22 

So here is a general rundown of how things have gone in my life from two different perspectives. I was born the third of eight children. My father was a school teacher, so we all know that he didn't make enough money. And because of this, he was always working other jobs to help ends meet, and he wasn't home a lot during the week. And then he was so busy on the weekend catching up, right? He used to coach the tennis team, teach driver's ed, take care of the concessions at his high school's many sporting events. He was just really busy. And my mom never did finish nursing school like she wanted to. She started having kids and they just kept coming, right? Sometimes she worked to help supplement our family's finances, and that was always tough because being one of the older children, I had to take care of things at home sometimes. My mom owned her own real estate office for many years, and she was gone a lot on evenings and weekends showing houses. And she also loved to read books, and she would read to the point of really kind of neglecting us a little bit sometimes. 

07:27 

Now, not serious neglect. I mean, if there was a fire, she would have come running out of her room. But we sure had the run of the house while she read in her bedroom. So when I started high school, I started playing sports, and my parents could just rarely come to my games because for one, they always had so much going on with my five younger siblings, and two, it was just too much money for them to have to pay every time I had a game. I often felt as though they really didn't care about me too much. When I decided to get married I made a pretty quick decision that wasn't really well thought out and it led to 24 really rough years of marriage and we never really got along very well, and I always felt lonely and I always felt isolated. I had to take care of a lot of the parenting and household duties when our kids were really small because my husband was in the army and would be gone here and there with trainings and such and always very late nights taking care of things. Because we were in the military I never lived close to family where I could get help when my kids were little, and my mom was never able to come and help out when my children were born. 

08:34 

I would have great friends but because we were all military they would only be around for a year or two, or if we were lucky three, before one of us moved and we had to start all over again. And then I got divorced and here I am. All by myself having to take care of all the house and all the lawn work and all the garden. I have one child who just doesn't seem to like me at all and that's not really fair because I always tried so hard to be a good mom. I just feel like this child is so judgmental of me. Okay, so that's one perspective of the story. It is based entirely in fact, right? But let me show you how else I could tell the story from a different perspective. 

09:22 

I was born the third of eight children. My father was a school teacher and I love that he enjoyed teaching so much. Because of his love for this, two of my sisters and me have also become school teachers. My dad really taught me what it meant to take responsibility for his family. He was always working other jobs to help ends meet and he wasn't home a lot during the week because of that. But he would always get up early in the mornings and make us breakfast. And he worked really hard on the weekends to take care of our home and the lawn and the garden. I remember when I was younger getting to go to this high school with him and watch football and basketball games with my mom when my dad was at the school taking care of the concessions. And it was always a treat when I got to go with them because my dad would always get me some nachos and a soda and some popcorn. We didn't have a lot of those kinds of treats when I was younger, so that was pretty awesome that I got to have that. 

10:11 

You know, my mom never did finish nursing school like she wanted to, but she was such a lifelong learner regardless. She loved to write and she also got her real estate broker's license when I was probably a tween. She really taught me that women are smart and capable. And she was a bit of a feminist in the 70s and 80s, and I love that she taught me through example that I can stand up for myself and have a voice and do whatever I want to. My parents had five children after I was born, the youngest was born when I was a sophomore in high school. And so when I became a mom I loved that I already had so much experience with babies and young children that it wasn't scary or intimidating for me at all. It was totally okay that my mom couldn't come when my babies were born because I felt confident in my parenting. 

11:04 

I remember when my mom owned her real estate office she used to sneak me out of the house to go show a house and to get an ice cream. Fascinating that all of us kids thought that we were her favorite child because she used to do that with all of us, although we all thought that she was only doing it with us. She also loved to read books and she taught me to love reading as well. I still love to read and I owe that and my love of learning to my mom. So though my parents were very busy during my high school years and couldn't come to a lot of my volleyball and basketball games, I loved that I learned to be very independent through that process. They trusted me to come and go and take care of my own things, from my grades to getting myself to practices and games. And this independence created a lot of confidence in myself that has paid off during the years. And I'm so grateful for that. 

11:57 

When I decided to get married, I made a pretty quick decision that wasn't really well thought out and it led to 24 challenging years of marriage. We really struggled to get along well, but we kept trying for a lot of years. We did our best in that situation to create a loving space for our children. So my husband was in the army and we got to do some amazing traveling over the years. We lived in Texas and California and Kentucky, as well as we lived in Germany for five years. And we got to see and experience such amazing things during that time. It was when we were in Germany that I really developed my love for traveling. And because we were in the military, we never lived close to family where I could get their help. So my mom wasn't ever able to come and help out when my children were born. But I always had amazing friends in the military. It was such a great place to develop lifelong friendships and people who really become like family. I still have such close friends from our time in the military, people that I can't imagine not being in my life. And I wouldn't trade those years for anything. 

13:01 

But after 24 years of marriage, I got divorced and it was a tough decision, probably the toughest I've ever made. But it was one that really helped me to learn to turn to God like I never had before. I learned to trust Him so much during those last couple of years of marriage. And in the five years since my divorce, I have grown and progressed in ways that have blessed my life immeasurably. I find that the independence my mom taught me when I was younger has paid off huge dividends as I now get to make all of the decisions and take care of all the things myself. And I do have one child who has really struggled with the divorce. And it has helped me a lot to learn to love more unconditionally, without an agenda, without expectations or manipulation. I feel so much compassion for my children that I've never felt before as I've watched each of them go through their own learning experiences with the divorce. And now, I feel as if really I'm in the best place of my life, perfectly positioned to accomplish amazing things. All of these experiences have played into this great life that I'm living. 

14:14 

Okay, so two very different stories, but both based on the same basic facts. And the thing is, there is evidence for both stories. But one of these stories serves me and serves me well and creates a space for growth, while the other story keeps me in victim mode, constantly blaming someone else and staying stuck. I choose the second story. It empowers me and helps me to create the life that I want to create for myself and my future. So what story is your brain telling you? What are you believing is true about your life that really, when seen from a different perspective, could be seen as something completely different? Because guess what? We get to choose. We get to choose what we want to believe every single time. I could choose the first story and believe it wholeheartedly. There is evidence in so much of that story, and I can see elements that play into the struggles that I work through even now. But I don't see that that story serves me well at all. It doesn't help me progress. It doesn't bring me understanding or satisfaction or peace. I could choose that story, but I choose not to. I choose to believe the second story because it is just as true. But in the second story, I'm focusing on the lessons and the blessings that my experiences have given me. 

15:46 

Does that make me a Pollyanna? I don't think so. I believe it makes me someone who wants to see the blessings that have  been abundant in my life. I believe it makes me someone who feels more gratitude to God for the wonderful blessings I have had thus far, and I believe it makes me someone who can now turn around and share these blessings with others. What I choose to believe makes all the difference in how I feel and how I act. 

16:13 

So let's kind of put this into the thought model and see how it plays out. So if I make my circumstance my life, my life is 100% neutral, right? My thought in the first story is "my life has been challenging and unfair." That creates a feeling of depressed, maybe anger, maybe feeling unloved by God. When I feel these things, the actions are that I start to shut down emotionally. I might take the easy path and not push myself to grow. I might Netflix a lot. And the result is that my life becomes more challenging and I live in scarcity. It creates this vicious cycle of never having enough, right? So let's put the second story in a thought model. So again, circumstance neutral: my life. But my thought is "my life has been an amazing blessing that has prepared me for greatness." The feeling this creates in me is hope, love, gratitude. Those feelings create actions where I want to serve others. I want to give of myself and I want to be constantly growing myself. And the result then is that I do move into my greatness with greater abundance. 

17:34 

I get to choose which of those thought models I want to live out. We get to choose, you get to choose. You get to choose your own story. Take care to choose what serves you best. Both stories have truth, but one story serves you better. Which one helps you to create the life that you really want? What do you want to believe about your life? It is a powerful place to be when we choose intentionally. Alright my friends, that is it for today. I hope that this gives you some food for thought to realize that how you think about your life creates more of the same. Growing up is amazing. I love it so much. This middle aged place is so great. The insight, the understanding, the wisdom that we have from our years of experience come into play in a way that makes life amazing. 

18:37 

So here we go. If you would like some help from me, learning how to change your perspective of your life, learning how to see things differently, learning how to choose different thoughts, this is what I do as your life coach. I help you see your brain. I help you see the thoughts that you're thinking and I help you identify what those thoughts are creating in your life. So that then you can choose, are these thoughts serving me or are these thoughts not serving me? It always comes back to our thoughts and it's difficult sometimes to see our own thoughts clearly and it helps to have a coach to help you do that. Let's see, that's going to do it. If you have not subscribed to the podcast, please do so and then you know that you'll never miss an amazing episode. As I talked about at the beginning, if you'll leave a review and if you'll share this with other people who you feel could benefit from this content, that would be fabulous. I think we've got a lot of really good things to share here and some amazing things going on. I love this. I love being here with you every week. This time is just amazing to me and I love it so much. Wish you the best this week and I'll talk to you next week. Bye. 

19:46 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.