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Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale, and this is episode number 118, "100% Responsibility." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale, and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:24 

Alright, hello there, my friends, welcome to Intentional Living. If this is your first week, welcome, and glad to have you here. If this is more, if you've been listening for a bit or even just a short time, I just want to welcome you back. I love this space, I love what we're creating here together and how we are growing together. I love what this content is doing for me as a person, how it's helping me to grow and move forward, and I really pray and hope that it is doing the same for you. 

00:53 

Alright, so this week is a continuation of last week's. Last week we talked about anti-responsibility behaviors, so 19 of them that Elder Lynn Robbins talked about, and we discussed what those were, and today we are talking about the opposite of those, which is 100% responsible. So, who is just jumping up and down with anticipation of how you can learn to be 100% responsible? Is it you? Alrighty then, we'll move on so that you don't have to sit in the space of anticipation any longer. 

01:34 

Okay, quick summary of last week. There are all these behaviors out there that we all engage in that we call anti responsibility behaviors. These are the ones that hold us back from responsibility, and they're very enticing. They always seem at the time that they would be such a great idea, and yet long term they can cause a lot of problems in our lives. One of these problems is that when we are engaged in anti-responsibility, it is impossible for us to learn and grow and progress into the person that we were created to be. Speaking of the anti-responsibility list, I love that Lynn Robbins said about it, "it is an anti-happy and an anti-success list, even when you are right. It is one of Satan's foremost tools in controlling and destroying lives. The day a person eliminates the list from their life is the day they regain control over positive outcomes from that point on and they begin moving forward in the light at an accelerated pace." Alright, so great, right? That quote and many others that I'm going to share today come from a talk from Elder Lynn Robbins at BYU on August 22nd, 2017 and it's entitled "Be 100% Responsible." Such a great talk. You can find it at speeches.byu.edu if you want to look it up. And I'll make sure that I reference him when I'm using a direct quote or an idea from his talk. I'm also going to share some quotes from a friend and I will let you know when I put those in as well. A lot of quotes today. 

03:15 

So let's start off with what 100% responsibility really is. Lynn Robbins says that "being 100% responsible is accepting yourself as the person in control of your life. If others are at fault and need to change before further progress is made, then you are at their mercy and they are in control over the positive outcomes or desired results in your life." Okay, I love the phrase that he uses, "accepting yourself as the person in control of your life." Though we will all really want to be in control of our lives, it seems a little bit like an escape hatch when we give up some of that control. It's a way to not have to feel all of the pain associated with taking 100% responsibility. Because you know what? Sometimes we don't want to see what we've got going on. And it feels so good to avoid those more challenging emotions. In fact, our primitive brain, in all of its amazing glory, doesn't want to feel those emotions. So it finds that the anti-responsibility behaviors work really well at avoiding them until they don't work well and they backfire on us eventually, right? So growth and progress demand that we take responsibility. We have to learn to take full responsibility for everything that we engage in. Learning to see our own behaviors for what they are and repent of them is the path of progress. 

04:44 

But here's the thing: we very often don't see them. We may literally have no awareness that we are in full-on, anti responsibility mode. Only when we really start to slow down and intentionally look for it do we see it. And this is one of the amazing things for me about middle age. I'm seeing things that previously I never knew were there. For so many years, when I was up to my eyeballs in raising children and keeping a household running and surviving a difficult marriage and also working full time during a lot of this, I just didn't see what I was doing wrong. I didn't see my faults and weaknesses. I saw sin as outright disobeying, the really visible sins like chastity or the Word of Wisdom, being kind and honest, not stealing,  those types of things. I had no clue that there were nuances of sin that I was engaging in that were holding me back. And those were all the anti-responsibility behaviors that I was engaging in. 

05:50 

But the last few years all of that has started changing and I'm now seeing sin where I never did before. And you might think that it would feel heavy and exhausting and out of control to engage in more awareness, when in actuality it feels empowering and liberating and light. I feel as though my vision has cleared and I am free to see myself not only for who I really am with all of my shortcomings, but it has also opened up my vision to see myself for who I can become. And that to me is amazing. 

06:29 

But here's why it can be so difficult to see. We are often so busy pointing out everyone else's faults and shortcomings and they loom so large in our view. It's the whole "beam and mote" concept that Christ taught about in the New Testament. We are so busy nitpicking other people's faults when what we need to be worried about are our own faults. The aspect of 100% responsibility that I want to focus on today is seeing our responsibility when we think we are completely right, when we think the other person is completely at fault. 

07:09 

So to help you start to see what I'm talking about, let me share an example from a good friend of mine who asked not to be named in sharing this. She says, "there was a time in my life when I was really struggling with a relationship with a family member. I was perceiving this person as mean, angry, and hurtful. I often felt sorrow because of the things this person said and did to me. And I admit that my thoughts about this person weren't always kind and loving. I thought if I could see the truth of who this person really is, it would help my relationship. So I began to pray and asked to be shown truth. I received a very unexpected answer to that prayer. I'm going to share in my own words what the spirit taught me: 'this person is a gift to you from Heavenly Father to help you see the truth about yourself. This person is pushing buttons within you to show you that you have darkness within you. You have the darkness of anger, self-pity, resentment, and judgment within you.'" Then she shares a scripture, 1 John 1:5-6, which says, "This is the message which we have heard of him, and declare unto you that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him and walk in darkness, we lie and do not the truth." 

08:34 

She continues on, "When I prayed and asked to be shown truth, I was shown how this person was pushing buttons within me to show me the darkness within myself. If I want to become like God, I need to become aware of the darkness within my own heart and repent. I began to understand how the truth sets us free. I found that when I was around this person, I was in a constant state of resentment. But as I spent time repenting of the things I was seeing within myself, I began to be liberated from the chains of anger, the bonds of self-pity, the cords of resentment and judgment. As I was liberated from this darkness, I began to see this person differently. I could see that our relationship was surrounded by a presence of divine love. Our relationship was perfectly orchestrated for our mutual benefit. I would like to share two things I learned from this experience. The first is that we have no control over other people, but we have control over how we treat others and how we respond to the way others treat us. We often live in a state of blame, self-defense, and justification for our actions. This mortal world is designed with experiences to help us see the truth about ourselves, to help us see the darkness within our own hearts, and show us what we need to change through repentance. This space of self-honesty is one of the hardest places to go." 

10:06 

Elder Busheh described it like this, "Gone are the little lies of self-defense. We are now at that sacred place where seemingly only a few have courage to enter, because this is that horrible place of unquenchable pain in fire and burning. This is that place where true repentance is born." Okay, isn't that beautiful? So these ideas are expounded on in a quote from M. Katherine Thomas, who also quotes Byron Katie within this quote, so check it out. Katherine Thomas says, "in fact, as Katie says, quote, 'the people we most need are the people we're living with now. Again and again they will show us the truth we don't want to see until we see it. Our parents, our children, our spouses, and our friends will continue to press every button we have until we realize what it is that we don't want to know about ourselves yet.' The great insight here is that we must search fearlessly until we see our part in our conflicts with other people because it is surely there. When we go to the other people we have judged and we apologize and we tell them what we've seen about ourselves and how we're working on it, freedom and clarity come. We have deeper experiences with what it means to be clean." 

11:41 

Okay a huge point that both this story and this quote are trying to teach us is that it doesn't matter the conflict, who started it, or who is in the "bigger wrong." Each of us has a responsibility to look at our role in the conflict. Sometimes our role is just that we become judgmental. Sometimes it's because we become angry. Sometimes we become frustrated or resentful or annoyed. We have a tendency to call these negative emotions, but in my mind, I'm working to change this idea to challenging or growing emotions. Because when I feel these emotions, they are telling me something. They are telling me that there is something for me to learn about how I can take 100% responsibility. 

12:28 

Okay, now let's be clear. Taking 100% responsibility does not mean that I take responsibility for the other person's behavior. Only mine. And it does not mean that they are not responsible for their own behavior. But I have to start looking for and seeing and acknowledging and taking accountability for my behavior. The dictionary defines accountability as "being willing to accept responsibility or to account for our reasons, our causes, motives, and actions." So this, my friends, takes a big person. 

13:07 

Okay, let me share another thought from my dear nameless friend who is one of these big people. This is what she shared: "One thing I've learned from personal experience is that when I have been mistreated, it is extremely difficult, but also very liberating, to truthfully examine how I have responded to the mistreatment and to take full accountability for any darkness I have added to the experience. Do I see anger, resentment, self-pity, judgment, gossiping, feelings of superiority, vengeance, including in the form of silent treatment, withholding of love, condemnation, criticism, unloving thoughts, etc. within me? When I am willing to take full accountability for any darkness I have contributed to the experience, including even just my own experience, I am now prepared to enter that place of humbly confessing, repenting, and seeking forgiveness for my part. I have found that every time I do this I am simultaneously endowed with the ability to forgive." 

14:13 

So amazing, right? This willingness to look at ourselves to see what we are bringing to any situation is the key to continued progress. It is so important that we do this even when we feel we are 100% in the right. In fact, it may be even more important when we feel we are in the right because it is in these circumstances that we start to see the small nuanced behaviors that are holding us back. Looking at our ability and willingness to forgive is one of these circumstances. So here's an experience that Lynn Robbins shared. He says, "many victims have been cruelly injured, such as in abuse cases, with no apparent justice forthcoming, that they felt like the Lord was requiring the impossible by asking them to forgive. As hard as forgiving may be in such situations, not forgiving is even harder over the long run because it puts a person on the disabling anti-responsibility list. Not forgiving is a synonym with blaming, anger, self-justifying, and self-pity, all things that are on the list. When Satan taps into any of these negative emotions, he begins exercising control over a person's life. One of the most difficult times to forgive is the case of spouse abuse, with its accompanying anguish, pain of betrayal, and cruelty. There is an interesting and common pattern with abuse cases. The abuser nearly always blames the victim. 

15:44 

"Let's assume that a woman who has been cruelly abused receives personal revelation, and she separates from her extremely abusive husband. Even though the abused woman is now free from the abusive environment, she is finding it hard to forgive her husband for the sustained and escalating cruelty. It seems unfair to ask her to forgive his brutality when he seems to be unrepentant. It doesn't seem fair for her, the innocent one, to be suffering while he, the guilty one, appears to get off scot-free. Is there peace to be found without justice? Until the abused wife learns to forgive, she is denying, or not trusting in, the justice of God and His ability to judge wisely. If the former husband does not repent, he will pay the penalty." Quote from the Doctrine and Covenants. "How sore you know not, how exquisite you know not, yea, how hard to bear you know not." He continues, "The wife will know if he truly repents, because his restitution will include humbly and sincerely asking for her forgiveness and his strivings to make amends." 

16:53 

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland shared this helpful insight, "Please don't ask if it is fair. When it comes to our own sins, we don't ask for justice. What we plead for is mercy, and that is what we must be willing to give. Can we see the tragic irony of not granting to others what we need so badly ourselves? Those who have experienced permanent damage, prolonged suffering or loss from an offense, face a far more difficult challenge in forgiving than turning justice over to the Lord. Hopefully, they can find comfort in something the prophet Joseph Smith taught: 'What can these misfortunes do? Nothing. All your losses will  be made up to you in the resurrection, provided you continue faithful.'" 

17:45 

Back to Lynn Robbins, "With her husband having hurt her so deeply, why would the wife allow him to continue victimizing her, by haunting her thoughts? Hasn't she suffered enough? Not forgiving her abuser allows him to mentally torment her over and over and over. Forgiving him doesn't set him free, it sets her free. Part of understanding forgiveness is to understand what it is not. It is not forgiving her abusive husband does not excuse or condone his cruelty. Forgiving does not mean forgetting his brutality. You cannot unremember or erase a memory that is so traumatic. Forgiving does not mean that justice is being denied because mercy cannot rob justice. Forgiving does not erase the injury he has caused, but it can begin to heal the wounds and ease the pain. Forgiving does not mean trusting him again and giving him yet another chance to abuse her and the children. While to forgive is a commandment, trust has to be earned and evidenced by good behavior over time, which he clearly has not demonstrated. Forgiving does not mean forgiveness of his sins. Only the Lord can do that based upon sincere repentance. 

19:09 

"These are things that forgiveness does not mean. What forgiveness does mean is to forgive the husband's foolishness, even his stupidity, in succumbing to the impulses of the natural man and at the same time still hope that he will yet yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit. Forgiveness does not mean giving him another chance to abuse, but it does mean giving him another chance at the Plan of Salvation. It is also helpful to give him another chance at the Plan of Salvation. If the wife understands that we are punished by our sins and not for them, she then recognizes that her husband has inflicted far more eternal damage upon himself than temporal damage upon her, and even in the present his true happiness and joy diminish in inversed proportion to his increased wickedness, because wicked never was happiness. He is to be pitied for the sorrowful and precarious situation he is in. Knowing that he is sinking in spiritual quicksand might begin to change her desire for justice, which is already occurring, to a hope that he will repent before it is too late. With this understanding she might even begin to pray for the one who has despitefully abused her. This Christ-like change in her heart helps her to forgive and bring about the healing she so desperately wants and deserves. The Savior knows exactly how to heal her because He precisely knows her pain, having lived it vicariously. 

20:42 

In this scenario of the abused wife, we have two parties, the abusive husband and the victim wife, both of whom need divine help. Alma teaches us that the Savior suffered for both, for the sins of the man and for the anguish, heartache, and pain of the woman. To access the Savior's grace and the healing power of His atonement, the Savior requires something from both of them. The husband's key to access the Lord's grace is repentance. If the husband doesn't repent, he cannot be forgiven by the Lord. The wife's key to access the Lord's grace and then allow him to heal her is forgiveness. Until the wife is able to forgive, she is choosing to suffer the anguish and pain that he has already suffered on her behalf. By not forgiving, she unwittingly denies his mercy and healing. In a sense, she fulfills this scripture, 'I, God, have suffered these things that they might not suffer. But if they would not repent or forgive, they must suffer even as I.'" Okay, end of Lynn Robbins' quote. That was a long one, but so good, right? 

21:56 

Look at the mind management that is necessary to get to this place of recognizing our own sins even in a situation when we were 100% abused in some way. To learn to think in these sorts of terms, the 100% responsibility thoughts, means that we have to become painfully aware of our own anti-responsibility behaviors. It means we have to know what they are. We have to be looking for them. And when we see them, it is important that we acknowledge them in our minds and in our lives. When we can learn to let go of these behaviors by managing our minds around them and choosing to think different thoughts, then we can begin to feel the liberation that comes from 100% responsibility. And that feels like a little bit of an oxymoron, right? Saying "liberation" and "responsibility." It feels like taking 100% responsibility would make us feel caged in or weighed down, but in reality it frees us from bondage. 

23:01 

When we can really learn to recognize ourselves as the cause of all of our emotions and actions stemming from our thoughts, then we can start to feel the empowerment and the control of our lives that is available to us. It is in this place that we begin to deeply understand that 100% responsibility gives us 100% control. It makes us, the captain of our souls, the only one who has a say in how our lives are lived. When we can truly learn and choose 100% responsibility, regardless of the circumstances, then we are truly free to grow into whomever we choose. No one else has anything to do with our choice and  where or how we end up at the end of this life. 

23:54 

One last experience that Lynn Robbins shares, he talks about a young wife who was complaining to her mother about all the horrible things her husband was doing. And the mother suggested she make a list of all of her grievances on the left side of the paper. Then go back and write down her response to each item she listed on the right side of the paper. Then the mother had her cut the paper down the middle separating the two lists. The mother then said, "now throw the paper with your husband's faults in the garbage. If you want to be happy and improve your marriage, stop focusing on your husband's faults and focus instead on your own behavior. Examine the way you are responding to the things that bother you and see if you can respond in a different, more positive way." Sometimes it may sound and feel impossible to respond with 100% responsibility, but it is truly the only path to creating what we want to create in this life. I believe this list takes a lifetime of concerted effort, continually rediscovering, redefining, and refining our understanding of our behaviors. But every step forward, no matter how small, is a brilliant one. 

25:15 

You have got this, my friends. And this is the time of life for us to really start implementing this. This is what growing up is. This is the brilliance of middle-age. And growing up is awesome. I love this space. Alright, my friends. If you would like some personal help from me, learning to see and identify your own personal anti-responsibility behaviors and to learn how to step into 100% responsibility, I got you. I am here for you. This is a hard process. I have moved into this with more understanding since I have started working with my own life coaches. Makes a huge difference having somebody else help me see because sometimes we just don't see. We just don't. That's the nature of humanity. So if you want some help, go to my website tanyahale.com. You can book a free 30 minute coaching session to get you started. We can coach. I can answer questions. I can talk to you about coaching options. I would just love to help you step into responsibility that will make your life more amazing than it already is. 

26:33 

Okay, and lastly, if you have not left me a review, will you please take a few minutes today even to leave me a review? I would love a few more reviews on there. Also, if you've not yet subscribed, go ahead and do that and share this with people who you feel can benefit from this information. And that, my friends, is going to do it for me. A lot of good stuff here today, right? So much good stuff, and so much to learn about, and it's hard to see sometimes. It's hard to want to implement in our lives, because everything in our primitive brain screams, "I want justice, I want justice, I want justice," right? But we have to leave that to God. That is His job to judge. And it's our job to take care of our experience that we are going through with whatever it is. You've got this. I know you can do it, and I've got you if you need some help, okay? That's going to do it. Have an awesome, awesome day, my friends, and I will talk to you next week. Bye. 

27:43 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.