00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 115, "Better Questions Create Better Answers." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:24 

Alright, hello there, how are my friends doing today? I hope you're doing great. I hope that things are just coming together for you. That doesn't mean we're not going to have hard times. It doesn't mean we're not going to struggle, but it does mean that we're going to have the emotional and the mental health to start working through our struggles and to not drown in our struggles. We can keep our heads above water and we can see things clearly and work things out in a way that is healthy and that creates the kind of life that we want to live. There's always going to be struggles. There's always going to be tough things. Learning how to manage those things, learning how to manage our minds through those tough experiences, is an amazing tool to help us have that mental and emotional health. And that's what I get to do with you. I get to help you with that. And today is one of those things that we're going to talk about, how to manage our minds a little bit better to create what we want to create in our lives. 

01:31 

So today we are talking about how better questions create better answers. You do realize, I'm sure, that you speak to yourself all day long. In our head we are constantly in conversation with ourselves, and one of the things we tend to do is ask a lot of questions. But it's amazing when we really start to look at the questions we ask. We see that we are instigating a lot of negativity in our lives. We are asking questions that often beg a victim mentality response that have our brains beating ourselves up and calling into question our self-worth. And here's the thing, asking these kinds of questions is an energy draining exercise because the answers rarely feel good, they rarely have us looking at ourselves in a positive way. The questions seem to beg a response that digs into our weakest vulnerabilities and leaves us feeling wounded. 

02:31 

So the crazy thing is that often this whole "question and answer" thing is going on behind the scenes unconsciously in our primitive brain. And we really aren't even aware that it is going on. Our brain has been asking and answering these questions for so long that our primitive brain has taken over and turned them into mindless habits. We are creating negative energy-draining thoughts that are robbing us of our best lives. Every day we're doing it. So how do these questions get into our brains in the first place? Well, at some point along the way in our life we heard them and we repeated them. Maybe we heard a parent always asking these self-defeating questions to themselves and our young brains just picked up on them. Maybe we heard it on a TV show or a movie, or maybe we just created it all by ourselves. But at some point we asked ourselves these questions and our primitive brain liked it, and here is why: because the answer to so many of these questions blames someone else and makes us a victim. And, gosh darn it, if being a victim doesn't just feel good. At least in the moment, being able to push the responsibility for what is going on onto someone or something else feels so good to our primitive brain and so it becomes a go-to for this part of our brain. 

04:00 

It becomes a go-to because our primitive brain is motivated to do three things for us, and we call this the "motivational triad." First, it seeks to avoid pain, which not taking responsibility does this. Second, it seeks pleasure. Feeling like a victim does this. It feels pleasurable. And third, it seeks to conserve energy, and turning something into a go-to habit conserves energy because our prefrontal cortex doesn't have to think about it. So our primitive brain is all over this line of questioning and finding the easiest answer, which is generally not one that builds up and creates amazingness in our lives. Let's take a look at some of these questions shall we? So now this list is by no means exhaustive. It's just a small sampling to get us started, to get you thinking about what kinds of things do you think in your life. So once you start seeing what is going on here, you will start to recognize ways that you might do this in your life. So here we go. What is wrong with me? Why can't I figure this out? Why didn't I finish college? Why can't I lose the weight? What if I'm too old? Why can't I figure out this technology? Why is it so hard for me to get control of my life? Why do I always feel stuck? Why is it so hard for me to change? Why am I always so tired? Why is this taking so long? What is my problem? When will I finally get all my crap together? 

05:52 

Okay so here's a question... how do you feel after listening to that list of questions? A little exhausted and deflated, right? Remember, that's just a sampling. Do you recognize these questions, or some form of those questions, in your own life? They seem pretty innocent, right? They seem like rhetorical questions, questions that we don't really catch ourselves answering in our conscious brain. But here's the deal with our primitive brain...it will answer those questions. And it will answer them in the easiest, least painful way possible. And by least painful, I don't mean the least harmful. I mean in the way that requires the least amount of work and thought power. That's what our primitive brain is so fabulous at. 

06:42 

So let's take a look at some ways that our primitive brain would answer those questions. So let me warn you that this is not pretty. But if you're subconsciously fond of these types of questions, you will no doubt feel some alliance with the answers here. Okay, so here we go. "What is wrong with me?" Answer: "where should I start? Girlfriend, there is so much wrong with you. Let's start with the fact that you've never been able to figure out relationships." Question: "why can't I figure this out?" Answer: "seriously? You always struggle with this sort of thing. You know you're not that smart." Question: "why didn't I finish college?" Answer: "because you were stupid and short-sighted and young. You should have known better. You should have prepared better for your future." Question: "why can't I lose weight?" Answer: "it's just not in the cards, baby. You were born big, you have always been big, and you will always be big. Plus, you don't have the self-control to lose weight, obviously." Question: "what if I'm too old?" Answer: "darn right, you're too old. Whoever heard of a 53-year-old woman starting a brand new career? There's way too much to learn for your brain. You can't even remember why you went into the back room anymore. Of course you're too old." 

08:09 

Question: "why can't I figure out this technology?" Answer: "you know, you just didn't grow up with it. Your brain isn't programmed to learn it. It's way over your head, so it would be better to just give up." Question: "why is it so hard for me to get control of my life?" Answer: "you just don't have enough discipline. You never have. Remember, even back in high school, your life always felt out of control? It's just not in your cards." Question: "why do I always feel stuck?" Answer: "because you have no idea how to get unstuck and you can't figure it out either. You've been stuck for so long that it's actually pretty comfortable here, right?" Question: "why is it so hard for me to change?" Answer: "you're just too old to change. Really? You've been doing it this way your whole life and you can't even wrap your old mind around what it will take, let alone to do it. Just give in to it. It may not be ideal, but it's easier than trying to figure it out." Question: "why am I always so tired?" Answer: "Girl, you just have a busy life. Everyone wants a piece of you and you never get a break. It's impossible to get to bed on time because there's just too much to do. And you can't cut back because people depend on you. They need you. Everything would fall apart if you weren't there to take care of it. Being tired is just part of your life and it's part of being old." Question: "why is this taking so long?" Answer: "because you really don't have what it takes. If you did, it would have happened already. It's probably best to just stop trying to make it work and take a break." Question: "what is my problem?" Answer: "really? Where should I start? There's no end to the problems that plague your life. And the one thing they all have in common? You." Question: "when will I finally get all my crap together?" Answer: "at this point, probably never. You've always been this way and you're getting too old to change your ways. At this point, it's much better to just give in and quit." 

10:24 

Okay, is anybody else exhausted after listening to that? And when our brain creates that and we listen to it all day long, no wonder we are emotionally exhausted come late afternoon, evening time. But how much of that sounds familiar? These types of questions are open invitations for our brain to start beating up on ourselves. So like I said earlier, most of this is probably going on unconsciously or at such a habitual level that if you do hear it, you don't really hear it. It's like that ticking clock, right? It becomes such a part of the environment that we don't notice it until it gets pointed out for some reason. And these feel like thoughts, but they're not. They're questions that our primitive brain wants to find an answer to, but most often when looking for reasons, the answers our brain comes up with will make us feel bad about ourselves. Okay, so we're seeing that we tend to get caught in these bad question cycles. So now what? How do we start getting to a healthier place? 

11:32 

Now that is a good question. That's the kind of question we need to be asking. How do we start getting to a healthier place? So what makes that question different than the other questions we were asking? It's because this question is looking for a solution rather than a reason. Notice that most of the previous questions began with "why." They are looking for a reason,  and our primitive brain really likes to answer questions in the easiest way possible. But when we begin questions with "how," we are looking for solutions. And this is a great way to start engaging our prefrontal cortex, because its job is to look for solutions. Our prefrontal cortex likes figuring things out and planning and preparing and creating. So when we ask for a solution, we start getting better answers to our questions. And solutions also create emotional energy where reasons deplete emotional energy. Solutions show us a way to go, a way out if we're stuck, a way to move forward, and that always feels better. 

12:45 

Think about a time when you were lost or stuck or couldn't figure something out. As soon as the solution presented itself, there was a shift in energy, right? All of a sudden there was some excitement or some anticipation. This is the power of the solution. So let's take another look at the previous questions we can ask ourselves, but then we will turn them into solution questions instead of reason questions. And pay close attention to the energy shift you will notice. It's pretty amazing. 

13:15 

So original question, "what is wrong with me?" The solution question, "what is another way I can look at this problem? How can I fix this?" Original question, "why can't I figure this out?" Solution question, "what can I do to figure this out? Who can help me figure this out? What's the first step I could take here?" Original question, "why didn't I finish college?" Solution question, "what other options are available to me without a degree? How could I go back to college? What do I really want to do with my life?" Original question, "Why can't I lose weight?" Solution question, "Who could help me learn how to lose weight after menopause? What is the best nutritional guidance for middle-aged women?" Original Question, "What if I'm too old?" Solution Question, "What benefits does my experience and maturity offer me, or the job I'm applying for, or for the business I want to start? How can my experience and maturity be a benefit in this situation?" Original Question, "Why can't I figure out this technology?" Solution Question, "How can I figure this out? Who can help me with this technology?" 

14:31 

Original Question, "Why is it so hard for me to get control of my life?" Solution Question, "What do I need to understand about my life that will help me feel more in control? What is one thing I can do today to help me feel more in control?" Original Question, "Why do I always feel stuck?" Solution question, "how can I move forward in this situation? How are my thoughts keeping me feeling stuck?" Original question, "why is it so hard for me to change?" Solution question, "what thought could help me feel more motivation to fix this problem? What would I do if I believed it was easy to change?" Original question, "why am I so tired?" Solution question, "how can I cut back on my responsibility so I have time for self care? What can I do to make sure I'm getting to bed by 10 PM?" Original question, "why is this taking so long?" Solution question, "how can I speed up the process? What can I do to make some progress with this situation?" Original question, "what is my problem?" Solution question, "what is the first step I need to take to fix this? How can I move forward in this area of my life?" And the last question, "when will I finally get all my crap together?" Solution question, "how can I help my day to run more smoothly? What can I do to create more peace within my day? Who is a life coach that I know who can help me manage my thoughts better?" 

16:09 

Alright, did you notice the energy shift? Did you see how those questions open things up? It's pretty amazing, right? When we present ourselves with solution-based questions, our brain starts looking for solutions and that creates a feeling of hope, a feeling of openness. We start seeing that there is very possibly a way to move forward, to get unstuck, to create what we want. So how do we shift our questions in our brain? If our primitive brain is putting this stuff out there without our awareness, how do we hijack the result question and replace it with a solution question? 

16:51 

So first of all, we have to create awareness. Just listening to this podcast and understanding the different questions and knowing to look for them is the first step. It's like when I bought my last car. I'd never noticed Subarus before because nobody I knew had one and I figured they weren't that common. So after I test drove one and really liked it, I was on my way driving home to think about whether I really wanted to purchase it or not, and on the way home I saw so many Subarus. They were always there but why hadn't I seen them before? Because I was not aware of them. Okay? I just needed to be made aware and then my brain knew to look for them. So awareness is step one and you've just completed step one. BAM! Congratulations, girlfriend. 

17:47 

Okay, step two. Remember the path in the forest? To create a new path, it takes a lot of persistence and consistency in  walking the new path, even when it would be so much easier to keep walking the old, worn-down, dirt-packed path. But with our consistency and persistence, the new path will eventually become worn down and easy to walk, and the older path will eventually grow over. So when creating a new brain process, we have to be just as persistent and consistent. Every time we start to notice the old thoughts, the old result style questions coming up, we need to immediately stop and replace it with a new solutions style question. So at first you may not even notice that you've asked a result question until after you've asked it and you see it coming about, right? But with consistent redirection, eventually you'll start noticing it when you're asking it. And then you'll notice right before you ask it, and then you'll begin to replace the old question altogether and it won't even show up anymore. You'll just start asking the new questions. So what we're doing here is replacing a bad habit with a good one. Alright? It's a solution question. This is the answer to, "am I too old?" Okay, so we're going to replace this bad habit with a new better one. We're creating a new brain synapse to override the old one. It's really just science, okay? 

19:31 

And now before we finish up today, I'm going to give you some bonus questions to really help you get moving in the right direction, and I think you're gonna love these. Here we go: "What am I grateful for?" "What if I'm the perfect age to do this?" "How can I make this experience more fun?" "What do I love about myself?" "How can I make sure I don't have any regrets?" "How can I start learning a skill I've always wanted to have?" "How can I make today a little more special?" "What about my life is going just right?" "What is one thing I can do today to take better care of myself?" "How can I move forward in my life?" Aren't those just amazing and engaging and exciting? Don't those create a feeling of anticipation of great things to come? If we want to start creating more energy in our lives, we can start with our questions. Questions that are seeking solutions. Questions with potential. Questions driven by hope. If you will ask a better question, you'll get a better answer, and when you get a better answer, you'll create a better life. I love growing up, don't you? Love, love, love it. We are in such a great place, best place of our lives, no doubt in my mind. 

21:05 

Okay, if you would love some personal help from me to learn how to be more aware of what's going on in your brain, to learn how to ask better questions, all this good stuff, I can help you out with this. You can get on my website tanyahale.com. You can book a free coaching session. I can coach you. I can answer questions. We can talk about how to engage in coaching, how to hire me, and what that entails. I would love to help you get to a better place for you. Is it an investment? For sure. It will take time. It will take a lot of energy, and yes, it takes some money, but it is so worth the investment. My friends, you have got 20, 30, 40 good years ahead of you. Wouldn't it be amazing to invest now in your future and have 20, 30, 40 years where you are healthier and happier, rather than continuing to struggle and put up with mediocre? We don't have to do that. Okay, so get in touch with me if you feel like you are ready to move on and invest in yourself. 

22:24 

Okay, last thing, if you feel this podcast is adding value to your life, please subscribe if you haven't. Please leave me a review. I don't have as near as many reviews as I would love to have, and please share this with somebody that you know could really, really benefit from this information. There is so much good stuff on here. This is number 115. That means there are There are 115 episodes like this with little nuggets, great pieces of information, to help you see the world better, to help you engage with the world in a healthier way, to help you create healthier relationships with yourself, with other people, and with God. We've got this, my friends. This is our time of life. This is our time to step up and create what we want to for the rest of our lives. You've got this and you've got me if you need some help. Okay, signing off for today. Have a great week and I'll see you next week. Ciao! 

23:28 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more effective weekend. Go to tanyahale.com, sign up, and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!