00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this episode number 110, "The Cost of Being Right." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale, and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:24 

Alright. Well, hello there, my friends. How are you doing today? I hope everything is going terrific for you. First of all, thank you for joining me. Happy to have you here with me and I appreciate the feedback that I receive and appreciate those of you who make an effort to listen and to share that feedback with me. And if you are new, welcome. Happy to have here and hope that what you find here will help you, and will bless your life in a way that helps you to have a more enriching life, a life that is more connected and where you feel more satisfied. That doesn't mean we're going to be happy all the time, but it means that when the tough things come up we have better understanding of why. And we can look for the lessons instead of looking for disasters. Instead of falling into what we may call victim mode, really an opportunity to learn and to grow and we look for the opportunities that we've been given to move forward. 

01:33 

So that being said, we're going to jump in today. We are talking today about the cost of being right. There's a question. Do you like to be right? I'll tell you what, I love being right and I think most of us do. It's primitive brain survival sort of thing, and today we are going to chat about it, because being right and our reasons behind it and the results of it can really wreak some havoc in our lives. 

02:01 

So most people, if not all, have a primal need to be right. I think somewhere in the primitive brain there is an "I need be to right to survive" switch. A situation occurs where our rightness is questioned and out brain starts to freak out. It goes into "feeling threatened" mode and we start getting defensive and have this incredible urge to start protecting ourselves. So this protecting ourselves can sound like louder voices or it can look like angry faces and tense bodies. It can feel like insecurity or fear and it may start to act like blaming or expressing frustration or justifying or defending. We have such an innate need to be right and yet it is costing us so much. 

02:53 

So let me ask you this: in the end, what does being right actually get you? What do we walk away with? Maybe a short burst of feeling "better than" or our pride may be shored up a little bit or we may get this feeling of satisfaction that we've won, but in the end our sometimes incessant need to be right is only rewarding us with disconnected, broken relationships. This drive to be right is leaving us emotionally lonely and empty. It is robbing us of one of the greatest gifts we can receive in our lives, and that's intimacy in our relationships, deep connections where love, trust, and respect and compassion bless our lives. 

03:43 

I have a client who has been struggling with her relationship with their mother and whenever she voices a different opinion than her mother, she is called out. She's told why she's wrong and her point of view is not listened to nor appreciated. So what is her mother gaining by being right? She is only gaining a disconnect, a strained relationship that is super low on trust. And who among us has not done this to another person? Look at what is happening right now with this COVID and the mask fiasco going on in our society right now. We have people on either end of the spectrum adamant that they are right as to whether we should or shouldn't wear face masks in public. None of these people are listening to anyone who says anything that doesn't align with their rightness and because no one is being heard, everyone is just yelling louder and louder. And so many people are so intent on proving that they are right, and it is creating disconnection everywhere. A friend of mine was telling me that her two sister-in-laws were not speaking to each other because of the mask situation. They are each of a different opinion. Both are 100% convinced they're right and neither is going to budge. Their relationship is at risk because both of them insist on being right. 

05:17 

And the point here isn't whether or masks work or not or whether we should wear them in public or I'm not even going to get into that. The point is that people are getting so hung up on being right about it that we are destroying relationships that matter most to us. And this isn t happening just with masks. It is all over the place and social media makes it really easy to attack and withdraw and attack and withdrawal. We can make a strong, horrible mean statement and then disappear. Get off Facebook and get off that thread. We are often so intent on being right that we even stand our ground when we know it's not in our best interest. 

06:04 

I know when I was married that I fit into this category far too often. One of us was going to be right at all costs, and part of that cost was a healthy relationship. Because one person always walked away feeling self-righteous and vilified and powerful, while the other person walked away feeling unheard, dismissed, lonely, and distant. Being right feels really good at the moment. It's an indulgence that can sometimes feel irresistible. Like eating that second piece of cheesecake, right? It can feel so good at the time but it doesn't actually give us anything of substance. It's a false sense of power that can come with a crash when we realize later on what our need to be right is costing us. 

06:56 

So what is your need right costing you? Is it costing your sleep at night? Is costing an intimate emotional relationship with your spouse? What about an open and honest relationship with your son or with your daughter? What about a close friendship with your son-in-law or your daughter-in-law? Our need to be right will always cost us something. And the question we need ask ourselves is, is it worth the price? Does being right about the correct way to get to the store give us what we really want? Is it strengthening our relationship? Is creating more intimacy and trust and partnership? If it's not, and I think generally it doesn't, we may want to start rethinking our need to be right. 

07:50 

The first thing we will want to look at is our reason for wanting to be right. Okay, now this this might be a really painful because I know it was for me and I don't often see very pretty things when I start looking at my reasons. For me, there are reasons of wanting validation of my worth, of want to feel better than the other person, or maybe thinking that if I'm wrong, then there might be something wrong with me. So those are some of personal reasons for wanting to be right, but I want you to take some time to take a good, serious look into your brain and figure out your reasons for wanting to be right. The important thing is to remember that when you really see the thoughts triggering your desire to be right you are on to something very important. You will really start to see what is going on inside your head and then this awareness will help you start to make some adjustments if needed. Sometimes we have to be really willing to look at the the ugly or the disturbing or the uncomfortable thoughts that are going on in our heads, if we're going to start moving to a healthier, better place. 

09:10 

Okay, so now we get to decide if we like our reasons for being right. For the reasons I stated above, all reasons that I've identified for me, I don't like those reasons. They don t reflect the kind of person that I want to be the values that I strive to live my life by. The awareness for me in discovering these thoughts is huge and I found that it's so much easier for me to start changing my thought processes when I feel such a disconnect between those thoughts and my values. Recognizing this disconnect then is in direct correlation with the outcome of what really want in my relationships with others. I disconnect with others when I am disconnected with my values. Alright, so I really have to be aware of my values and see how my reasons stack up against those values. 

10:04 

The best way to connect with others and to find peace in our relationships is to give up being right and wrong. What if no one had to be right, and no one has to wrong? What if there were 8 different ways to drive to Target? And absolutely none of them was the right or the wrong way. What If you could change lanes whenever you wanted and there was no right way? Honestly, what would that 8 hour family drive look like if we just decided there wasn't a right to do it and that the person driving it was doing a great job? Even if they don't change the lanes when we think they should, even if they turn on a different street than we would, even if the park in a space that we wouldn't have parked in. What if we just decide there was no right or wrong? When one person decides they are right and pushes and pushes until they get what they want, both people actually end up losing because our relationship has taken a serious hit. One person feels superior and the other  person feels pushed around and abused. And this is NOT a recipe for connection, for partnership, for intimacy. It's a recipe for the breakdown of the relationship. 

11:23 

So what if we just decided that we didn't need to be right? What if let our prefrontal cortex take the wheel and consciously decide that we don't need to be right. So often our primitive brain is just doing its thing and pushing our "right" opinion on the other person, and we aren't even fully aware that we're doing it. Wanting to be right can be one of those situations where our primitive brain is like, "girl, I got you. I've done this tons of times and I know how to manage this. Stand back. I got this, so I'll take over." And then we just go on arguing about who is right and we're not even fully consciously aware that were doing. it. We're just doing it because it comes so naturally. But what if we really started paying attention? What if we started noticing when we are pushing our "right" opinion and purposefully and intentionally started stepping back? What If we stopped criticizing the way someone else is doing something and instead decided that the way they are doing it is just perfect for them. 

12:37 

One way to start doing this when we're talking with other people is by taking the word "but" out of our conversation. So instead of saying" but what about...I hear what you're saying but," what if we started instead using the word "and." "I love your opinion on this and..." So put "and" in there instead of "but." This can be a great way to add information without putting right and wrong at the center of the discussion. 

13:07 

So let's move on to something a little bit more challenging. How do we do this in a difficult conversation? What do we when we have two different opinions about something that really matters? Let's talk about this because this is really important. How we we these difficult conversations? First, we have to start the conversation by being willing to be wrong. Okay, how does that phrase feel for you when I say we have to be willing to be wrong? Does it start raising your anxiety a little bit? Do you find yourself feeling defensive by even just thinking about being willing to be wrong or admitting being wrong? Okay, if that's the case for you, I'm betting almost anything that you find your self with a lot of strained or shallow relationships in your life. Relationships where you struggle to gain and maintain intimacy. Your need to be right is costing you meaningful relationships. You may find yourself saying things like, "but I know that I'm right," or "but this is the absolute truth," or maybe "but I do know what really happened here," or even "I've done a lot of research and I know this is right." Okay, the question is, who cares? Who really cares if you are right when the other person walks away feeling like crap because of how your interaction made them feel? Is your being right worth what it's costing the other person and you? 

14:41 

What is being right giving you? A false sense of importance? A sense of being better than another person, a feeling that you are the winner, and what is that all about? As I mentioned earlier, go back and look at your reasons for wanting to be right. If this is resonating with you, you may very well find that you don't really like the thoughts behind your desire to be, right? 

15:09 

Okay, so the first thing is to go into the conversation being willing to be wrong. Then start with this question, "tell me why you're right" or "tell me everything you believe about this." Instead of just ramming into them with all of the reasons you are right, stand back and invite them to tell you where they are, and then listen and get curious and ask questions and listen some more and then get curiosity again and asked more questions. Resist the urge to jump in and counter their opinion with your own. Hold back on your desire to blast them with all the reasons that they're wrong. Just get curious, ask questions, and listen. If you are truly seeking to understand their position, it's really hard to get defensive. If you find yourself getting defensive, choose instead to get more curious and ask more questions. The goal here is to really understand their position. 

16:19 

So here's another piece of this that may be difficult for many of us. We may do the whole "curious question listen" thing and they may not return the favor and give us the same luxury, they may not ask us once what our opinion is. They may not have any curiosity about how our thoughts and opinions may differ from theirs. And guess what? That's okay. When we give up being right and focus instead on what it's going to take to strengthen our relationships, then we also learn that it may NOT be fully important for our opinion to be heard. Now I know that many of you are feeling so much resistance toward this, okay? After all, we all want to be herd. We want to voice our opinion, especially when we love that opinion so much. It's like our little whooby, right? And we really do believe that we're right. But here's a question I heard while listening to a 2017  Education Week talk by Lynn G Robbins last week entitled "Be 100% Responsible." Fabulous, by the way, if you haven't listened to that one before. But this is the question that he posed in there. Do you want to be right or do you want be married? So basically do want you be right, or you wanna have a relationship? What's more important to you, the relationship or being right? Because really that's what it most often comes down to. Caring more about a relationship means we have to be willing to be wrong. We have be to willing let go of our pride and not be heard. You may not get a chance to tell your side of the story. When we can make peace with that, then we are on the road to finding peace in our relationships. When we truly get to the point that relationships are more important than our pride, then it becomes easier to give up being right. Rather than think of this as losing, think of it as you getting to nurture your relationship and really, you kind of get to be in control of the relationship and you are choosing to have a conversation where you find solutions while building relationships rather than not finding solutions and destroying your relationships. 

18:47 

So after you've asked all the questions and you feel you have a great understanding of their point of view, then you can move on to resolving the concern. Here's how you do it: identify all the facts that they talked about. Remember that facts are neutral and everyone would agree on them. We're going to pull out all the facts that we can think of. Let's say that your spouse and you have different opinions on how to respond to a teenage son who has made some choices that don't align with your family values. Okay, you could go around and around with why you should respond the way that you do. One of you may want to be more lenient and the other one wants to come down super hard. So after listening to your spouse talk about all the things then you want to identify the facts. Let's pull out three facts here. One, our son snuck out of the house or left the house at 2 a .m. Second fact, our son took our car without permission. Third fact, our son got into an accident with three other teenagers in the car. 

19:55 

Okay, so let's say that these are the facts that you can both agree on. The next step is to identify what those facts mean to both of you. So you would say to your spouse, because remember you asked already asked tons of questions, right, so you know, you're going to say "based on what you have told me, you are making those facts mean..." and then you identify in one sentence what have gleaned from their talking about it. Maybe they're just making it mean that you have an out of control teenager who cannot be trusted and who's headed for jail, and you need to take away every privilege, right? Then you get to say in one's sentence what YOU make those fact mean. You might say, "I'm making those facts mean that he is desperate for attention and needs more from us right now." 

20:45 

Okay, so here's where the conflict actually lies, in the fact that we are making different meanings out of the facts. Okay? I make the facts mean one thing, they make the facts mean something else. And guess what? That's totally okay. Question is though, who's right here? Isn't it interesting that we want to go straight to the place where we say, "so who's right?" It absolutely does not matter who is right and who was wrong. Remember, the point is not figuring out who's right and wrong, it's coming to a mutually agreed upon solution. 

21:23 

So at this point, we've identified our different meanings and now we get to work on finding the solutions, okay? So, at this point we only talk in solutions from now on, okay? We could argue all night long about who is right and who is wrong, but that isn't the point. We don't want to hash and rehash the same problems all night long because what ends up happening is that then we start bringing up everything in your last 20 years together that has made you crazy and you end up getting nowhere. The point here is to start finding a solution. No more talking about the problem, only discovering a solution. So we want to brainstorm every option available and then take a look at all of that. Find things you can both agree on. The goal is to find a solution that makes life better than it was before you had the problem. And this can take some time. It's not going to happen in 10 or 15 minutes most likely. Just be patient and remember to stay focused on the solution and not jump back into talking about the problem. 

22:34 

So this is an amazing way to have those difficult conversations without jumping into being right. At the end of the day, we all want and need to be connected with other humans beings. We are wired for connection and yet when we are driven by a need to be right, we naturally destroy the opportunity for the same connection that we so desperately desire. It's like our primitive brain and our prefrontal cortex are wanting totally different things. What? Yep, that's pretty much how it goes every minute of the day. Our primitive brains want something different than our prefrontal cortex. We have to be  intentionally aware and looking for and processing. Okay, so everything from giving the other person room to make their own decisions without us butting in and telling them a better way to do things, to managing some of those tough discussions together, letting go of being right is the key. And this key gives you the power to connect. You have the power to create intimacy. You have the power to create the relationship you want to have, and it will come when you have the strength and the courage to be wrong and let the other person be right, because in most daily situations it really doesn't matter to anything but our pride. 

24:14 

Okay, I love middle age. I loved growing up. I love when all the pieces of all these experiences I've had through my life start coming together. I hope you are loving it too. Okay, if you need some help you want to discuss this more, you want a coaching session, you can go on my website tanyahale.com or you go to my Facebook page Tanya Hale LDS Life Coaching, and there are "contact me" buttons on both of those places where you can just sign right up on my calendar. 

24:49 

Okay, so I'm telling you that as a school teacher, I am going back to school and by the time this comes out you will have one week to still get some daytime sessions in if you want. Other than that I am just going to have to start moving to nights only because that's when I come home from school. So if you would like a free consultation, this is a great time to do it right before I get super busy with school again. Okay, my friends, thank you for joining me here. I appreciate it so much. 

25:22 

If you have not connected with me on Facebook, go do that if you're a Facebooker. I'm also on Instagram...trying to be a little bit better at Instagram. I've always been more of a Facebook person. But if you're on Instagram, you can kind of find me there, Tanya Hale LDS Life Coaching. Trying to be better there. Facebook for sure you can find my contact button and I would love to talk with you. I'd love to give you a free coaching session or just have a question and answer about what coaching is and how it works and talk to you about all that. 

25:55 

Okay, so if you feel this podcast is adding value to your life, please share it with somebody. Help somebody else find information that can help them to live a better, more substantial life. A life where we are connecting more and where we're finding more satisfaction in our life. That is going to do it for me, my friends. I hope that you have a really really fabulous day and I will talk to See you again next week! Ciao!