00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale, and this is episode number 106, "Fierce Self-Love." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale, and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:21 

Well, hey there. Welcome to the podcast today. Glad to have you with me. I hope that you are having a terrific summer. Today, I'm just a week out on my podcast, and it is so cold outside. I had to turn on my heater, and my daughter, who works up at a ski resort doing their summer activities, texted me after she got there, and she's like," it's snowing here, and I'm so cold, and I don't have a coat." Poor girl. Today is June 29th, and yeah, it's cold outside today. 

00:54 

So here we go. We've talked the last two weeks about self-love, and I have to tell you that I am not yet done with self-love, as you saw by the title. So last week, I thought that I was, and I had a different podcast in line for today. But as my week progressed, this topic of self-love just kept presenting itself to me, and in different ways, and helping me see things differently, and I realized that I had more that I needed to learn for myself, and also more that I needed to share with y'all. And because I've invested some more time this last week in expanding what I know and believe about self-love, I've made some personal discoveries about my own self-love that are mind-changing for me, which is what this work is ultimately all about, right? Moving forward into a better version of myself. So becoming aware of my thoughts so I can see what they're creating in my own life, and then making adjustments as I feel necessary in order to move forward. 

01:54 

So let's just jump in. So as we've talked about in the last two podcasts, the concept of self-love can often be misconstrued with conceit or vanity or maybe even ideas like narcissism, right? It's like we're teaching a whole bunch of people out there to love themselves without any regard for anyone or anything else. And a lot of people, that's what they will think, "oh, that's what that life coach does, she just teaches people to like love themselves." But all of that, the things, the narcissism, the vanity, the conceit...that has nothing to do with self-love. When I can learn to love and approve of myself, then I am in a position to love and give to others. When I don't love myself, listen to this, everything I do is seeking for love, approval, or I'm people pleasing because I need those from other people. And those places of needing other people's approval and love is never a good place for us to be in. 

02:59 

But when we can take our eye off of needing other people to love and appreciate us and build us up, when we can learn to create this for ourselves, then we can truly give from a place of clean love, a place where we can love and give to others with authenticity because we don't have an ulterior motive of seeking to build ourselves up. So let me state this another way. We need love in our lives. And when we don't get this love from ourselves, we start desperately seeking it from other people. We depend on other people to fulfill this need of love. And this is a very disempowering place to be because we end up depending on other people to feel good in our own lives. 

03:46 

And other people, sorry to tell you, but they are just not that reliable. Even those who love us have a whole life of their own going on. And their life often distracts them from us always being their first priority. Go figure, right? Like, what's up with that? Like, you have your own life? Yes, they do. But also, we get to a place where we might start selling ourselves out through constant people pleasing and seeking the approval of other people. We end up lying to get other people's approval by pretending to like things we don't like, by doing things we don't like, by trying to change our desires in order to get the approval of these other people. I think very often we see that in people who are dating, looking to get married, right? They pretend to be something they are not in hopes that the other person will approve and like them, right? But when we are caught in this trap of pretending to be someone that we are not in order to get the love that we crave, then we start engaging in behaviors that we then call "buffering" to avoid the emotions associated with people pleasing and living a life that we don't enjoy. Which is going to leave us feeling unsatisfied, which is going to leave us feeling insecure, all these things. To avoid those feelings we start doing things to help numb out these emotions of disappointment or dissatisfaction or maybe even disgust with ourselves. We might start overeating or overNetflixing or oversleeping or pretty much over anything, right? Overdrinking, overdrugging, oversexing, over whatever, with the intent to avoid the discomfort of not living true to ourselves. 

05:36 

And all of this starts with seeking love from places that are not reliable sources. The only 100% reliable source we have for love are God and ourselves, because people are people and people are messy. We all have our own stuff that we're working through and that can often leave us unaware of other people in our lives. And as much as other people love us, they have their own lives to consider every moment of every day, just like you do. Now, I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to have people in your life who love you. In fact, the exact opposite. It's an amazing perk. But being dependent upon other people to be the source of our love is sketchy business. I would love for us to start looking at other people's love as a bonus package, something above and beyond what is expected, and looking at embracing God's love and our love as the foundational work that is vital to our wellbeing. 

06:44 

So embracing God's love is intimately tied to our self-worth and the belief, and even the knowledge, that our worth was created by Him and is neither created nor destroyed by us or by anybody else. And the more I do this work, the more I am 100% convinced that embracing this concept of self-worth is our life's work. Everything comes back to self-worth. But different than self-worth is our own self-love, alright? Not God's love for us, but our self-love, and that's what we're talking about today. 

07:19 

So let me ask you a question: Do you enjoy being you? Interesting, right? Do you enjoy getting to hang out with yourself when you're by yourself? Or does it make you uncomfortable? Do you have a good time? Why, gosh, I just like hanging out with me because I'm good company, right? Or not? Have you learned to really love yourself, meaning that you love your strengths and your weaknesses, your mistakes and your successes? You love your life path for good or for bad, wherever that path has taken you. Love your personality, you love your body and all that it's doing to you and for you as you get older. Because here's the thing: if you have not yet learned to love all of these things about yourself, you will start seeking validation from other people to know that those things are worthy of love. And that's never our powerful place to be. 

08:22 

So again, the question: do you love you? Do you enjoy being you and being with you? What is your experience like being you? Can you embrace all of your emotions, those that we would call positive and those that we would call negative? Do you really know who you are? Or do you feel lost in all the people pleasing and all the selfless concepts of our life? A good friend of mine found that when she got divorced, she really didn't have a relationship with herself at all. She has since spent many years building her own self-love, discovering herself and learning to enjoy being her. She now enjoys being with herself and loving who she is discovering. But when she first got divorced, she didn't even know what food she enjoyed or even what her favorite color was, right? That is how selfless we can become. And I don't think that's the kind of selfless that Christ intended for us, right? 

09:35 

But it's beautiful that this middle-aged part of life brings up so much of this for us. We have children moving out. We're spending more time with ourselves. So all of our relationships are changing. Our bodies are changing, and we are needing to love the new body that is being created. Wrinkles and bulges and droopings and gray hair and all the aches and pains you can dream of, right? And here's something else that is so beautiful about this stage of life: it really forces us to take a look at our self-love and learn to create it if we haven't already. Because so many of us have been so focused on other people and making sure that their lives are running well and that everyone else has what they need to be successful, that we have forgotten to take care of ourselves. We've been super loving towards others, but haven't been very loving toward ourselves. But then we get here, this middle-age, and we know that something is missing. We know that we are empty, but have no idea why or what is going to fill us up. 

10:54 

So here's a brilliant suggestion for you. Alright, brilliant because it's coming from me, obviously. Okay, here's the suggestion: rediscover who you are, what you love and don't love, what you enjoy and what you don't enjoy, and learn to love it all. Every single piece of you. Learning to truly embrace and love you for everything that you are. The good, the bad, the amazing, and the embarrassing. It is so vital that we get to a place where we can love all of us, where we truly have unconditional self-love for ourselves, for all parts of our lives. A place where we can appreciate, love, and be compassionate for every part of who we are. A place where we can recognize our self-criticism chatter going on in our brains, treat it with compassion, and then learn to eliminate and replace it. This is the time in our lives, this middle-age, when we can learn to love ourselves fiercely without apology, especially when other people don't love us. 

12:13 

I know that the years leading up to my divorce, and shortly after, were some pretty tenuous years in regard to love in my life. There was little to no love for my husband at the time and my kids were just kids. They're not really meant to fill a space of loving us the way that we need and I was being a little hard on myself for my lack of ability to create a healthy, happy marriage. And I was in a place of feeling a lack of self-love. But where was I to get that love? I couldn't get that love in my life from my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I couldn't get it from my children. Not even really from my extended family and friends. They all had busy, full lives that they were engaged in up to their necks. They're just swimming around trying to survive, right? The love I needed had to come from God and from me. I needed to be able to look in the mirror and be able to tell myself that I loved me and that God loved me and I needed to believe it and I needed to feel it. 

13:24 

I think one reason many of us struggle with self-love is that we have this belief that if we were doing life "right," let's put that in quotations, shall we? If we're doing life "right" that we would always be happy and loving ourselves would be easy. But here's the truth about life: it's that we are here to have trials and learn from difficult experience how to be more Christlike. In coaching we call this the 50-50. Life is 50% positive and 50% negative and that is just life. But so many of us have gotten into this idea that it's supposed to be mostly positive if we're doing it right. But doing it right actually means that it's crappy half the time. When we can accept this 50-50 and learn to appreciate and enjoy ourselves, regardless of which end of that 50-50 we're in, then I think we're starting to do it right. 

14:31 

This is the place where we can start to contribute as well on a much higher level. The reason being is that if we don't love ourselves completely with all of the 50-50 going on, then we are resisting being willing to feel the difficult stuff. And when we're not willing to feel the hard difficult stuff, we hold back on what we can contribute to the world. This was one of my personal ahas this last week as I delve deeper into this, right? I hold back on loving myself in that area where I'm not willing to feel the hard, difficult stuff. And so what I'm contributing is not what I feel I should be contributing or what I want to be contributing, but it's because I'm afraid to go to that place, right? Working on it for sure with my coach. 

15:28 

So we will find ourselves sometimes holding back as well because we understand the lashing that we're going to give ourselves when we fail. We know that we're going to start beating ourselves up and let's be honest, nothing good ever comes from beating ourselves up. This is the place where, instead, we need to recognize our failures, respond with compassion, that's the love we have for ourselves, right, and make adjustments as necessary. Self-love does not mean that we're perfect. It means that we're compassionate in all of our imperfection. Beating ourselves up only leads to shutting down because we think that we're a failure. But instead, when we respond with compassion and love, we create a space where we will pick ourselves up and try again and not be afraid to do that. So loving ourselves means that we don't just love ourselves in the 50% good, but also that we love ourselves in our 50% bad. We learn to enjoy life because of the challenges, not in spite of the challenges. We commit ourselves to love ourselves and to enjoy being alive with all the good and all the bad, because the combination of the two brings us a full and well-rounded, complete life. A life of growth and opportunity and contribution. 

17:00 

So here's another question that I want you to consider: What is the biggest obstacle you have to loving yourself? I want you to identify that. What holds you back? What really keeps you from embracing who you are and finding joy in the whole 50-50 of you? So two podcasts ago we talked about that voice in your head that has been running on repeat our whole lives. This constant voice, and it's very likely that you really aren't aware of what that voice is saying. I want you to start listening. See if she is saying what you want her to say. Is she loving and kind to you or is she harsh and unkind? Learning to replace those unloving, rerun thoughts with new, loving, compassionate thoughts is an amazing and empowering experience.

18:03 

Some of you may feel that shame is holding you back from loving yourself. And I want to offer that if you feel a lot of shame, that that is your clue as to where your self-love is lacking. That's kind of like your whoop, whoop, whoop, pay attention. There's a message here. There's information in the shame, right? Shame is a feeling that is based in not being enough, and there is something wrong with you. So when you discover what you are feeling shame about, you can discover also what is keeping you from self-love. 

18:40 

So another one of my discoveries this week was that I will often feel a lot of shame. Well, not often, but when I feel shame, it's most likely around doing something wrong. So like if I get pulled over for speeding or if someone calls me out for saying something unkind, this piece of shame can be used to help me understand where my self-love needs some shoring up. So for me, this shame based around not doing things the right way helps me to see that I am connecting what I do with my ability to love myself. So when I come to understand this piece of the puzzle, then I can start creating new beliefs that I am worthy of love, even when I do something wrong, that I don't have to be perfect in order to love myself or to be loved by others, right? I can start to understand that shame and love cannot be in the same space together. So where there's shame, there's no love. So check out the source of your shame and you can start to see where you need to love yourself more. 

19:57 

But also remember that shame is part of the 50-50. It's also part of our human experience. So expecting yourself to never feel shame is unrealistic unless you truly are a sociopath or a narcissist, right? But shame can't tolerate love. So you can reduce your shame when you increase your self-love. But again, shame can be a great indicator to you of where you can do some work on your self-love. So please learn to pay attention. When you're feeling that shame, stop and ask yourself some questions. Sit down and do a thought download. Figure it out. What are you feeling shame about? There's an indicator of where you need to work on your self-love. 

20:40 

So adding to my experience with shame can come this idea that we're not lovable yet. The thought that "when I accomplish more, then I can love myself more" is very sneaky. Because again, it is basing our ability to love ourselves on the things that we do. So we can spend time beating ourselves up for not accomplishing what we want to yet, and that will be very energy draining. Again, we can tell if we're in a good place or a bad place with our thoughts by whether it's draining energy or creating energy, right? So nothing good is ever going to come from this place of beating ourselves up. Nobody ever says, "I got to this amazing place by beating myself up every single day," right? But when we learn to love ourselves first, and then work on accomplishing all the things, this becomes a very energy-creating space for us. 

21:43 

So rather than believing that accomplishing more allows us to love ourselves more, it's so important to realize instead that it's the other way around, we've got to flip it. When we love ourselves more, then we open the door to accomplishing more. And that doesn't mean we're running around like crazy people with every second of our day field. It just means that we are accomplishing at a more satisfying level because we are contributing to the world in the way that we are meant to contribute with our unique talents and skills. 

22:19 

But when we focus on accomplishing more first, we're starting from the A line, or the action line. And that's always a setup for long-term failure. Short term, we may do really well, but we can only white knuckle it for so long. That's the willpower theme. We can only white knuckle it. So we have to start on the T line, or the thought line, and think loving thoughts first, then we will feel the self-love. and then the loving actions will naturally follow and create energy. This is the thought model in all of its glory. This is exactly how it works, right? 

22:59 

So one last big thought on self-love: If you can love yourself when other people don't love you, this is your incredible superpower. I know that when I got divorced it felt very lonely for a bit. I knew that people loved me but it felt like no one loved me with the depth that I needed to feel love. And expecting other people to give me that kind of love just doesn't ever work. Moving into a place of loving myself that way, with that deep love, has opened up a whole new world for me. Learning to tap into myself, who I am, what I love and don't love. And living true to all of this has created a space where I feel that I can show up in the world as myself, the self that God sent me down here to be. And only when I can show up as me can I accomplish the things that I feel like God has sent me down here to accomplish. 

24:07 

I am in the most empowering place of my life because of where I am right now with my self-love. The more self-love that I create for myself the more love I have to share with others. I have control over all the love in my world. I also have all control over all the hate in my world when I can love myself fiercely first. And this let's talk about this amazing middle-age for just a second. I am loving myself even more as I am growing up into the person I feel I'm meant to be right now. But I wouldn't ever find her if I didn't learn to love myself first. She will not be found in hate and loathing and disappointment. But rather I will find her, and I have found her, in love and compassion and patience. 

25:10 

Learning to embrace the magic of growing older is a huge piece of self-love during these middle years. And it is magical. I think so many of us forget the magic of this time. Right? My life is meant for me. My path is my path and no one else's. There can be no comparison with anybody else's path. And nobody else is responsible for helping me to walk my path with confidence and assurance. And I can only do that when I completely, greatly, and fully love and embrace myself. My contribution in this world is in direct correlation to my own self-love. Had I not gotten to the self-love that I am at right now, there is no way I could do this podcast for you every week. I would not have what it took. My contribution to this world would be held back. And all of our lives are being held back by the areas that we struggle with self-love. But my contribution is in direct correlation to my self-love and so is yours. Your contribution, your ability to do the great things that you are here on earth to do are in direct correlation with your own self-love. And walking your path with unconditional self-love will change your whole life experience. I promise you that. 

26:55 

Self-love is where it is at. That doesn't in any way mean that we're less kind to others. It doesn't mean that we serve less. It doesn't mean that we love other people less. In fact, I think it means that we do all of that more because I'm coming from a true, authentic place, not an insecure place where I'm seeking validation. So there we have it: self-love. It's the bomb, right? I love growing up into this place where I am understanding these concepts and where I can share these concepts with you. This growing up gig, pretty freaking awesome, if you ask me. 

27:46 

Okay, my friends, let's talk coaching for just one second. This is the kind of stuff that if you're struggling, this is what I do as your life coach. These podcasts are phenomenal and I give you all the goods. I don't hold back on anything that I know or anything that I share. But what coaching does is allow you to receive the one-on-one attention that you need and that you can use to grow into a better place, to be more aware. My job as a coach is not to tell you what to do. It's not to give you advice. My job is to help you become aware of your own thoughts so that you can start seeing what you're creating and so that you can start creating what you want. That's what coaching is all about, right? It takes a lot of effort on your part and yes, it's an investment with money and with time. But I will promise you from the coaching that I have received, so well worth it ,because growth into a stronger better self is brilliant and amazing. I am having the time of my life right now with everything that I'm learning and how I'm growing and what I'm discovering about myself in working with my coaches. 

29:07 

Do I make some discoveries on my own? For sure. Self-coaching is an amazing tool. I have my clients use it, but working with a coach is a whole other level of moving into understanding yourself and seeing what's going on. So if you want to give it a try you can go to tanyahale.com. You can sign up for a free coaching session or you can go to my Facebook page Tanya Hale LDS Life Coaching, and there is a place on that page as well where you can book a free session to go through this and I can talk with you about how coaching works, what it costs, all the goods, right? I'll tell you all the stuff you wanna know, answer all your questions, help you see what's going on here. This process, I love it with everything that I am. I'm so grateful, so grateful, for the growth that I've experienced as I have been working with my coaches and what's happening. 

30:06 

So that's gonna do it for today, my friend. If you love this podcast, I've been putting some good stuff out there. If you love it, please share it with other people who love this kind of stuff as well. Not everybody does, but you, if you love it, then you have friends who would love this kind of stuff. Go ahead and share it with them. You can subscribe if you haven't yet. You can leave me a review if you haven't yet. The more reviews that I get, the more it gets bumped up, so more people will see this as an option when they're looking for things and searching for podcasts along these topics. It just bumps it up on the list so it comes up quicker. So if you can, start leaving me reviews, if you haven't yet, I would appreciate that. And that's gonna  do it, my friends. I wish you all the good things this week. I wish you all the good and all the bad. And I wish you to be able to be aware of all of those and embrace the bad as well. Embrace the difficult, realizing that it is an amazing opportunity for you to move forward and to progress and to really be compassionate and loving to yourself during those difficult times. That is it. Have an awesome week and I'll talk to you next Monday. Bye. 

31:23 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.