00:00 

Hey there, this is Intentional Living with Tanya Hale and this is episode number 105, "Love in Our Past, Present and Future." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams...we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:23 

Well, hello there, my awesome friends. Thanks for joining me today. How are you doing? I hope everything is going well. I hope that amidst all of the chaos in our world that you are being able to create a space of peace, a space of love, a space where you can create the emotions that you want to create by the thoughts that you are thinking. We have such an amazing ability to create whatever we want within ourselves and that's a large part of the work that I do. That doesn't mean we have to agree with everything going on in the world or whatever, but we can still create a peaceful space within us by what we choose to think and by learning to manage those thoughts. 

01:10 

So that being said, we are going to continue our discussion on self-love today. So last week we went through a process that you can use to really become more aware of where your self-love currently is and to start to understand how to move toward a greater self-love. This week I want to follow up with taking a look at our self-love regarding our past, present, and future selves. I think you're going to love this, but you're going to have to pay attention because sometimes when we're talking about the interrelatedness of these three selves it requires a little bit of thinking but I love it. 

01:53 

So first of all let's do a quick review from last week about what self-love is and what self-love isn't. Webster dictionary, as we talked about last week, self-love is "an appreciation of one's own worth or virtue." Okay, we also talked about how some of our strongest associations with the term of self-love are words such as big-headed, complacency, conceit, ego, pompous, pride, self-admiration, smugness, vanity. Okay, so the first item we want to review is to get really clear on what we are defining self-love as, and it's not this huge list that I just rambled off to you, this conceit and this ego, all of these negative type of thoughts, right? That's not what it is. The self-love that we are talking about here has nothing to do with comparing ourselves to others or thinking ourselves to be more amazing and great than others or even ideas bordering on possible narcissistic beliefs, right? 

02:57 

What we are defining self-love as is "an appreciation of one's own worth or virtue," okay? So please notice that this appreciation has nothing to do with anyone else's worth or virtue. We're not comparing ourselves to others to determine how lovable we are. We are just finding a greater appreciation for ourselves, for our strengths and our weaknesses, for our accomplishments, and for what we're creating in our lives. Loving ourselves because we are worth loving. 

03:33 

So let's jump into this concept of loving our past, present, and future selves. I think it's very easy to separate all of these time periods into three separate times, into three completely different people. We don't see them all as integrated but I want to challenge this view a little bit today, because these three people, our past self, our present self, and our future self, are very interconnected, and in ways that we may not have considered before. I believe that we will find a lot of empowerment when we start to think of these three selves as being intimately connected. And when we can develop a greater self-love for all three of these selves, our past, our present, and our future self, then we will find a greater understanding of who we are, of where we're going, and what it's going to take to get us there. We also find that we become more focused on our goals and that we are more compassionate to ourselves. 

04:31 

Okay, so let's start off by talking about our present self. This is the self that is so tricky and that messes up our plans so often. Our present self is highly, can I put that in all caps, HIGHLY influenced by our primitive brain. So what we want now is rarely going to be what is best for us because right now my primitive brain wants immediate gratification. It wants to avoid pain. It wants to increase pleasure. It wants to conserve energy. Right before I press record on this, my primitive brain was saying, "let's just go get a snack. Let's just go for a walk." And I'm like, "no, this is my time to record." So my primitive brain does not want to do things that require energy, things that require focus. Right? It just wants pleasure. It wants no pain. 

05:31 

So this will often look like eating what's convenient or what sounds really good in the moment. And most often those are not our healthier choices. Right? This will also look like putting off something we had planned to do in favor of something that sounds more appealing right now. At 5 a.m., sleeping in always sounds better than getting up to exercise like we had planned to do the night before. In the moment, watching TV sounds like a better option than cleaning up after dinner. Staying up late to finish that Netflix series is always more enticing than washing your face, cleaning your teeth, and getting to bed on time, right? This is what our primitive brain is so fabulous at. Changing the plans that are past self made. So doing something now that we didn't plan on because right now I just don't feel like it. 

06:26 

This lower brain or our primitive brain is a master at sabotaging what we had previously planned, what our past self planned, okay? Our primitive brain is all about the here and now. It wants what it wants right now and is really good at justifying how to get it. It will say things like, "of course we should stop and get that triple double cheeseburger. You know we won't be home for another two hours and I'm so hungry." Or maybe it'll say something like, "if I just finished watching up this show, the last three episodes, then tomorrow I can get my chores done without being distracted by it." That's a favorite of my primitive brain. And sometimes our primitive brain just says, "I just really don't feel like it." It gets a little bit whiny, right? "I just don't want to. I don't feel like it right now." 

07:17 

Have you ever heard anything like this from your brain? I know that mine is constantly looking for the easy way out. And because this is what our primitive brain loves, we have to start learning to pay attention to our brain and figuring out what it is telling us. Because right now in the present our primitive brain likes to dominate and it has a pretty loud voice. It likes what it likes and it wants what it wants and it can be relentless in trying to sway us to follow along. I'm sure that every one of you has had this experience when you have had plans to do something, maybe clean out the bathroom, clean out the garage, whatever, right? And it comes right down to it, and your primitive brain is just fighting you all the way. 

08:09 

So let's take a step now, and let's take a look at our past self. Everything that we are and have today is a result of our past self. Every decision that our past self made is being played out in our lives today. If we struggle with weight, it is a result of the eating and exercising decisions of our past self in most cases, right? I mean, I'm sure there's other issues that are not, but in most cases, right? If my home is a complete disorganized mess, or if it's a complete very organized place to be, both of those are a result of the decisions of my past self. If I just finished writing a book or doing some other big project, that is also a result of the decisions of my past self. So our past self has completely created our present self. And sometimes we might be really amazed at our incredible past selves, and other times we might be really frustrated with our past selves, okay? 

09:17 

So I know that there are times that I will have my podcast on my schedule to get it done on Monday, and something comes up or I get distracted, I listen to my primitive brain, and come Friday I still haven't finished my podcast. And then I'm so frustrated at my past self. I'm frustrated at my Monday self and my Tuesday self and my Wednesday self for not taking care of the podcast when I had a little bit more time, right? But other times I'm really amazed at Monday night comes and I'm like, "bam, look at that. I got my 'weekend win' created for Friday, and I created and recorded my podcast for the next week." And so sometimes I'm really amazed at my incredible past self. 

10:03 

So another thing though that I wanna point out is that our primitive brain is created to look for the negative. Because in centuries past that is a huge part of what was necessary to keep us alive. So we may look at our present and see all of the horrible things and have some pretty negative thoughts about our past selves, right? Like so on Friday I can have some pretty negative thoughts about my Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday self, and because they didn't accomplish what I had wanted to at that point, right? But what we really want to do is learn to have compassion for our past self, okay? At that point I wanna start saying "why didn't?" I wanna get curious. "Why didn't my Monday self want to do that? Why didn't my Tuesday self want to do it," right? Get curious, because there are answers to my progress in those, in the answers to those questions about my curiosity. 

11:03 

So let me kind of expand this idea of our past selves a little bit. The past self who made plans for a better future and the past self who either disregarded or honored those plans and put us in our present self, there's kind of two different past selves, right? Like, I've lived a long time, I've got a lot of past selves going on there and a lot of decisions, okay? So I'm going to give you an example and I want to use food and body weight as an example just because it's very tangible and it's easy to see the cause and the effect. 

11:41 

So let's say that your past self made a decision one day that starting in the morning the next day you were going to cut out snacks and you were going to stop eating flour and sugar. So, the next day comes and you either honor the decision of your past self from the day before or you don't. And this pattern goes on day after day, week after week, month after month. So, let's say it's six months later and here you are. The past self of six months ago made a decision. What did your past self of five months ago do with that decision? What about your past self of four months or three months ago? If your past self in the last six months consistently honored the decision of you six months ago to cut out snacks and flour and sugar, you are probably finding yourself today feeling a lot better, probably having lost some weight and having increased energy levels. 

12:41 

But if the past you from six months ago did not consistently honor the decision of the past you six months ago, then you may be in the same or a very similar physical condition than you were when you made that decision. So, at this point you are either very grateful for the past you that kept up with that decision or you're feeling very frustrated with the past you. But here's what I want to offer. Both of these past yous have something important to teach you. The you that followed through with your plan has taught you that you can do hard things, that you can trust yourself to follow through with decisions that are good for you. This increases your positive relationship that you have with your past self and it increases your self-love. You feel a greater love and appreciation for that past self, right? So, what if you didn't follow through with that decision to cut back on snacks and flour and sugar? There are still amazing lessons to be learned. 

13:48 

And this is where curiosity plays such an important role in helping us discover what our personal work is. Because what is the reason we didn't follow through? When we discover that, we understand what thoughts are keeping us from becoming our best selves. And this gives us an opportunity to be more compassionate to ourselves and to do some coaching and some emotional healing and processing. And this also leads us to greater self-love. 

14:18 

So what we have to do is just start becoming more aware of our past self and seeing what was going on, right? We obviously want to eventually get to a place where we honor the decisions of our past self. But when we don't, if we will take the time to do some self-coaching, we can create a space for compassion where we learn more about ourselves and our thought processes and we set ourselves up for greater success in the future. There is so much power in this process. Most of us don't naturally look back at our past selves with gratitude and compassion, but creating a deep understanding relationship with your past self is an amazing process that contributes to your growth and your self-love, okay? Part of this process is learning to honor our past self's decisions today. 

15:17 

So here's my experience from today. My past self, my yesterday self, decided that today I was going to work on creating my podcast for this week. But let me tell you what happens in my brain. So this morning I got up and I already had this topic singled out and I scheduled out the time to create it and to record it and I was excited about it. I was excited about the topic and my past-self from this morning was making a really good decision for me. My past self knew that when I got the podcast completed that I would feel great about myself and that I could also have some free time or I could just chill however I want to. But when the time came to get started on preparing this podcast, my present self, which remember, is highly influenced by my primitive brain, wanted to do something else. It wanted me to go get on Facebook. It wanted me to go into the kitchen for a snack, to run to the store to get something for dinner, to check the mail or to go get some meat out of the freezer for tonight. 

 16:19 

As always, my primitive brain went into hyperdrive trying to convince me to do something else. Because remember, my primitive brain wants to do three things. It wants to avoid pain, it wants to increase my pleasure, and it wants to conserve energy. And though I love creating these podcasts, they are a lot of work for me and I have to really focus in and just work hard for a few hours to get it done. And my primitive brain doesn't want to do the work. It wants to relax and take it easy. And this is when my prefrontal cortex has to kick in gear. This is the part of my brain that plans and prepares for the future. When we are using this part of our brain, we are functioning as humans, as the highest thinking beings on the earth, right? All animals have the ability to act from instinct and response, but only humans have the ability to plan and to create at the level that we do. This is our prefrontal cortex at work. 

17:26 

When my past self made the plans to work on my podcast this afternoon, it was accessing my prefrontal cortex. And when my present self chose to stop listening to my primitive brain and chose to engage my prefrontal cortex, the conversation I started having in my head was it telling me how grateful I would be in a few hours when I had my podcast completed, how much more self-love I would have and appreciation for myself for doing it. See my prefrontal cortex was planning for my future self. It knows that by later this afternoon I will be tired and I won't want to engage in this type of thinking anymore. It knows that my future self will be so grateful to my present self for sitting down and getting this completed. 

18:17 

So here's how the process usually works for me. My past self make a decision that it knows my future self will be grateful for. So in this instance my past self said "let's get the podcast done early in the afternoon because then your future self tomorrow night will be grateful to yourself for having done that," right? So my past self made a decision it knows my future self will be grateful for. 

18:45 

But when the time comes to fulfill what my past self has planned my present self starts to throw a fit, little temper tantrum, and it doesn't want to engage. And how my present self responds to my primitive brain is so important because this then creates the reality for my future self. If my present self honors my past self then my future self benefits. If my present self does not honor my past self and what it decided then my future self suffers. So if we want to create true harmony and love within ourselves we must tap into and listen to all three of ourselves. 

19:30 

But generally most often our past and future selves will have a more clear understanding of where we want to end up and what it's going to take. My future self is dependent upon my present self to create her. What I become next week or next month or next year is dependent upon the choices that I make in my present self. So I need to honor my past self by doing what she has planned and also honor my future self by doing what is best for her. 

20:04 

So in the case of me creating this podcast today, here's the discussion I'm learning how to have in my head. Now I like to kind of create little stories or sometimes little games in my head like "let's see how fast I can do this," right? So this is a reflection of that but I'll say something like "okay let's take a vote. Past self what do you say? Should I do my podcast right now? Okay, present self what's your vote? Should we do it?" Which generally my brain's gonna say no let's not do it. And future self what do you want me to do? My past self will say "oh yeah, come on, we already planned this. We know it's a good plan". My future self will say "Oh, yeah, we'll be so glad when we have it done, let's get it done," right? 

20:49 

So what I'm finding is that my past self and my future self always vote together, okay? They always want me to do what my past self has planned because my past self is creating plans with the prefrontal cortex and it is always making plans that will benefit my future self, okay? And my present self is almost always out of whack with the other two and that's because it wants to work from the place of my primitive brain. So I try and say, okay, best two out of three, right? So let's see, past self votes "do it," present self votes "don't do it," future self votes "do it," okay? I guess I have to do it, best two out of three, right? Now that doesn't always work for me because sometimes my primitive brain just is so loud and ornery and I just want to listen to it, but I'm trying to learn how to really manage my thoughts and say, "really? I have three selves here in me and two of them always know what's better going on," right? 

21:47 

Okay, so because of this and how our brains work with the primitive and the prefrontal cortex, my past self is always better equipped to make plans for my present self than my present self is. So I want to get to the point that my past self creates plans, my present self honors and executes those plans, and my future self benefits from both the plan and the execution of my past and present selves. When we can learn to honor and respect the plans of our past self, we can create the future for our future self that we dream of. This is a place of self-love that is actually quite beautiful. I love my past self for creating plans. I love my present self for following through with those plans and I love my future self by setting her up. right? 

22:47 

So what will your future self in three months say to your present self of today? Will she be grateful for what you did today or will she be wishing you had taken better care of her? Will she say "girlfriend, you set me up. Thank you," or is she gonna be thinking "ah man, really this is where I am? Couldn't we have done a better job?" When we think about self-love it's so beneficial to think about it in terms of our future self. Am I loving my future self? Am I doing what is best for her so she can be successful and happy? And will she be happy with where she is? This interrelated concept of our past present and future selves is a pretty amazing way to see our lives and to view our self-love. 

23:40 

But here's another piece that I don't want you to forget: we are imperfect humans. It's what we are. It's what we do. It's what we were created to be and that means that we will mess up and we won't always honor what our past self has decided. We won't always act in the best interest of our future selves. There is always a chance for us to get curious about why. Why didn't we honor our past self? Curiosity will bring answers while condemning will bring shame and shut down. 

24:16 

So learning to ask questions, learning to tap into our brain to find the answers will bring understanding and growth and love. Just get curious. What thoughts am I thinking? What's holding me back? Okay, and as I've mentioned earlier, the answers to those questions will show us where our work is. What are the thoughts I need to work on? What are the beliefs I no longer want to have? Or what are the beliefs that I do want to have? Beating ourselves up and condemning ourselves for not doing what our past self wanted will not move us forward, but either honoring that past self and doing it, or discovering why we didn't honor that past self, will move us forward, both of those. Always. Either of these options help us to create a loving and kind relationship with ourselves. So how do we increase our self-love? By keeping our future self in mind, by doing what will help her to be where she will want to be, and by honoring our past self by doing what she has planned. 

25:32 

I love the idea that planning for tomorrow increases tomorrow's self-love. Alright, it's a matter of learning to quiet down our primitive brain and to think with our prefrontal cortex in order to honor our past self and also honor our future self by giving her what she needs. This is a piece of self-care. Really believe it. Love growing up, my friends, don't you? Don't you love this process of figuring stuff out? That's going to do it. If you would love to try coaching, this is the kind of stuff I help you with. Helping you to be more aware of your past self and your present self and your future self. Helping you to step more into a place of self-love. I love this kind of stuff and I love, love coaching. 

26:27 

If you would like to give it a shot, it just might be the best decision of your life to get into a coaching relationship because there's just a depth of self-care. Introspection that comes...I know when I work with my coach that I don't get on my own and it's very very helpful and it's very beautiful and amazing for me. So thank you so much, my friends, for joining me here today, and I will talk to you next week. Bye! 

26:57 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya!