00:00 

Hey there, this is Tanya Hale with Intentional Living and this is episode number 100, "Lessons Learned Through 99 Podcasts." Welcome to your place for finding greater happiness through intentional growth, because we don't just fall into the life of our dreams, we choose to create it. This is Tanya Hale and I'm your host for Intentional Living. 

00:25 

Alright, my friends, can you even believe this? Are you freaking kidding me, 100 podcasts? I have had such an amazing time creating this content over this last little bit and it has been spiritually enlightening at times. It's been emotionally healing and it's been mentally stimulating, and I've been able to tap into my creativity in a way that I have not for years, probably, I don't remember when the last time was, college maybe, and it's all been such a blessing to me. 

01:03 

So today I want to share with you some of my biggest growth in this past 15 months of doing this podcast. I'll for sure be a little too personal, but it has been such an amazing path for me and I'm such a different person that I want to share with you what coaching has done for me this last year. Coaching, receiving coaching, coaching other people, coaching myself, all of those included. 

01:27 

So I'm going to start my story almost five years ago, because that's when I got divorced and I really got onto a path of healing and change. And at the time I didn't realize how much room for improvement I had, but looking back I had so much to learn, things I couldn't even comprehend at the time, things that I didn't even know existed. So five years ago I was getting my first life coach certification from the John Maxwell team, which is a very leadership-based certification. So somewhere in his material there was a survey to give your employees to have them give you feedback on your leadership skills. Now, I didn't go back and look this up but I'm thinking it was in his book "21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership." So I was intrigued by this and I decided I wanted to adjust the questions and give them to my children to give me some feedback on my parenting. 

02:22 

So this was about the time that I was filing for divorce and I had a pretty self-righteous view of my positioning and thinking that I was doing most of it pretty darn right. Plus I knew that I had done my very best as a mother. I had kept our home clean. I always had good meals. We kept up on laundry. I read scriptures with them. I got them to church and I did family home evening, you know, all the things a good mother does. And on top of that, I felt I was always positive and optimistic and I encouraged them in healthy ways to push themselves in to grow. So I made adjustments to this anonymous questionnaire and I confidently gave it to my four children, fully expecting to receive validation for what a great job I had done and was doing. At the time, my kids were 20, 18, 15, and 13. 

03:13 

And I'm sure you can guess what happened. It did not turn out to be the positive validation I was seeking for. So let me read to you the questions and the feedback that they gave me. It was a true false question. So question number one: "I seldom feel as though I measure up to my parents' expectations." Four trues. Gonna cry on this one, but here you go. "I feel constantly criticized about my approach to life." Four trues. "My parent consistently interrupts me in the middle of a conversation." Two true, one false, one landed in the middle. "My parent uses anger to manipulate me." One true, three false. Five, "I feel blamed for my parents' unhappiness." Three true, one false. Six, "my parent seems to be upset with me over one issue or another most of the time." Three true, one false. Seven, "my parent does not react well to being criticized." Two true, one false, one in the middle. Eight," I receive persistent messages about being incompetent or inadequate." Two true, true false. Nine, "I feel discounted and unappreciated in this relationship." Two true, two false. 10. "I live in fear of doing or saying the wrong thing around my parent." 2 true, 1 false, 1 middle. 11. "I feel treated like a child. My parent is constantly telling me what I should, need, or ought to do." 3 true, 1 false. 12. "I feel emotionally and or verbally abused." 1  true, 2 false, 1 middle. 13. "My parent projects an attitude of superiority." 3 true, 1 false. 14. "The good times are few and far between." 3 true and 1 false. 15. "We are always arguing about something." 4 true. 16. "My parent is constantly bringing up the past to blame or criticize me." 3 true. 

05:45 

Alright, as you can tell that stings a little bit. So there you have it. All my parenting glory and one short questionnaire to four children. And I will tell you that after my children got these back to me and I started to look at the results, I was completely confused. I was sure they didn't understand me. There was no way they could really think and feel these things about me. I didn't get any of it. It didn't make sense to me. I couldn't see any of this. It wasn't the positive validation I was looking for, that's for sure. And because I couldn't see it, I folded that paper, I put it away, and there it sat for about five years until while doing some cleaning about two months ago. I found it and I reread it. And the amazing thing was was that this time when I was reading it, I could see it all. Every one of those painful details, I could see and understand why they would respond the way that they did. Whereas the last time I read it, it just caused confusion. This time it hurt and it hurt a lot. Because for the first time, I could see how in not dealing with the pain and the dysfunction of my marriage relationship, I had turned around and in very controlling ways, created pain and dysfunction with my children. 

07:11 

Now, I'm not saying I was a horrible mother to my children. I did a lot of things very right. And amid all of this, they knew that they were loved, at least most of them. But because I couldn't work through my own emotions, I had no idea of how to help them work through theirs. In fact, I really didn't even allow them to have any emotion if it didn't fit in the positive, "we're all perfect, we got this" kind of category, right? So then within a few months of this questionnaire, the divorce. was final and the first year after the divorce I still could not see anything clearly. I continued to think that it was mostly my ex husband's fault. But I would tell people, of course, that it was both of us because even though I really didn't believe it at that point I kind of knew it was the right thing to say. I know that everybody says "oh, it's two-sided," right? It's always two-sided, and so I would say that because I felt like it was what was expected. But there was a piece of me that at that point really didn't believe it. 

08:13 

I will say that that has changed quite a bit through this process, but the second and third year of my divorce I really started looking for some answers and it was during this time that I encountered Brene Brown for the first time, and as I've mentioned before, that was life-changing for me. I read most of her books, some multiple times, and I listened to "The Power of Vulnerability" about six or seven times. In fact, I bought two copies and I continue listening to one and continue to hand the other one out to people, friends, because I just was like "everybody needs to listen to this." But for the first time in my life, I was connecting with the idea of being vulnerable in relationships. And it just never occurred to me before, this concept of vulnerability. 

08:57 

I didn't grow up in a vulnerable home. In fact, it wasn't vulnerable at all. I have amazing parents, but they didn't show a lot of vulnerability, especially my dear mother, whom I saw cry maybe three times, maybe four, in all my years with her. So I had about two years and a bit of all things Brene, which really started to shift my understanding and my emotional health and how to create emotionally healthy relationships. Then I found Byron Katie and Brooke Castillo, and I started some different work, which really moved me to the next level. And with these two additional women, I began to understand the importance of really taking responsibility for what I'm creating in my life, because beyond circumstances, everything I experience is of my own creation. 

09:48 

And another huge shift took place in my mind and in my heart as I really started to learn about this responsibility piece. And then about 15 months ago, I started this podcast. I was sharing the amazing things I learned from these three amazing women. And there was something about the process of getting my thoughts down on paper and preparing the content that I wanted to share that really helped the pieces start to fit together for me. And then 14 months ago, so a month after I started the podcast, I started my certification training with Brooke Castillo at the Life Coach School. And this is when things really started to make sense to me in a way they never had. I had readings and assignments every week for my certification, and then we came together on Zoom for our weekly class. And this is when I started to experience a very different kind of living and coaching. 

10:40 

This kind of coaching really got to the cause of what I was thinking and how those thoughts were creating everything else in my life. And I had to start exploring my own ways of managing my thoughts, how I was dealing with different kinds of emotions, and one of the biggest game changers for me was how I judge myself and other people. And during this last year of podcasts, I've taken a good hard look at the kind of love that I was experiencing up to that point. And I realized that much of that love was very conditional. This was a huge aha for me. And I started to explore unconditional love and look at my relationships, especially those with my children, in the context of unconditional love. And this really is where many of my children's responses in that questionnaire were founded in a place of conditional love that I offered them. It was the love that I knew. But it was very conditional. 

11:41 

And during this time, when I was learning about all of a sudden conditional love, it was amazing to me that I would get an idea for a podcast. I would stew on it for a few days. And then when I would sit down to create the content, that ideas would come together. That I felt as if God was teaching me things that I needed to know so I could heal myself and my relationships with my children. And I really started to see how love really was all that I needed to create the life I wanted. You know, before I started the podcast, it took me a while to get things together and to really wrap my head and my heart around it. But I remember it really came together when I hit a point that I said, "you know what, if I record a hundred podcasts and I'm the only person who ever listens to them or whoever is aware of them, then that will be good because my growth through this process will have been amazing." 

12:39 

And I have discovered that that is the case. I'm grateful that I have people out there who are listening. And hopefully this is blessing your life. But I will tell you the blessing of this in my life has been overwhelming as I've had to confront my own demons and the things that were holding me back, right? This podcast has been incredible for me because it was in this context that I explored ideas deeper and more thoroughly. And I was often given very specific spiritual instruction of how I could incorporate these ideas into my own life and my own relationships. So if you were to go back and listen to the podcast recorded last summer, you would see how often I referred to unconditional love because this concept was changing how I saw everything. 

13:34 

So along with this, I was also learning how important it is to be forgiving of myself, to take good care of myself, to be patient with myself, as I learned about how to live with more integrity. I was loving what I was learning so much and I was seeing the effects of it in my own life with my relationships with my own children and with myself and with others. And then in the last few months, I've been able to tie all of this unconditional love into the concept of judgment. And I've really started to see how judgmental I've been over the years, and I've especially seen it with my children. And the last two podcasts I did, both on parenting, are talking a lot about the things that I've learned about judging them and how it has damaged our relationships over the years. 

14:21 

So now, very thankfully, children can often be very forgiving of their parents. So we haven't had the horrible relationships all this time, but I will say that I have studied more intensely unconditional love and how that fits in with judging other people so much and judging myself, and I will tell you that things have improved so much with myself and with my children especially. 

14:48 

And all of this has put me in a place that when a few months ago I pulled out the questionnaire from five years ago I read through the questions and the answers and I could see it. I could see all of it. There wasn't any confusion of how my children could have seen me that way. In the past 15 months I've been able to identify my emotionally abusive behaviors that caused so much damage. And only when I really started to take responsibility for all that I had created and really started to understand what was behind it, only then did the healing in me start to take place. And I've now gotten to a point where I can see very clearly the damage that I inflicted on my marriage and I can see the damage that I inflicted on my children as well. 

15:36 

So here's the deal, lest you think I was horrible and abusive, I wasn't. But I definitely know at this point that I was not the kind, loving parent that I thought that I was. I was nice, sure. I was trying hard, no doubt. I love my children desperately, of  course. But I was human and I was making a lot of mistakes just like you. Okay and unless you think my children are crazy messes, they're not. They're good, amazing kids. But just like every person in the world, they have stuff they have to work through, right? Because of the parenting that they grew up in and they will make mistakes. Our mistakes for sure will be different ones, like your mistakes and my mistakes as parents. But every one of us is making a lot of mistakes in our parenting and in our marriage and in our adulting. But only when we're willing and able to really see what is there and then to acknowledge our part in it, will we be able to start growing into the next best version of ourselves. So do I beat myself up over my parenting when my kids were younger? No. Do I feel bad about it? Yeah. Yeah. But I do not beat myself up because I know very well that at the time I was doing the best I knew how. 

16:58 

But in the last five years I have learned so much more and I can now approach life. I can approach myself, my children, and others in a very different and a much more healthy way. I'm learning to let go of judgment of myself and of others because when I find myself judging others, it's also a reflection of how I'm judging myself. I'm learning how to love unconditionally, and letting go of judgment is a huge piece of that because I'm finding that I cannot love and judge people at the same time. I can do one or the other, but not both at the same time. 

17:36 

So my personal growth the last 15 months of podcasting has been amazing to me. I have learned so much about how to love better and it is changing my relationships. In fact, a few weeks ago, three of my children sat down with me and we had a very frank discussion about my parenting and our home while they were growing up. And we actually read through the questionnaire and I bawled. I was bawling as I expressed how deeply sorry I was for creating that environment. And we had a beautiful experience of forgiveness and love and it came because of my greater understanding of unconditional love and judgment. 

18:15 

So some lessons that I've learned this last year while creating this podcast that have gotten me to a much better place. There's probably loads more than I'm gonna give you here but I'm just gonna do five. 

18:26 

So now question number one, or not question, reason, or if I can do this...Lesson number one, I've gotten a lot of coaching this year, a lot. So during the six months of my certification, I had to be coached and coached several times a week. And as I got coached on many of these topics, because it's what I was working through, I would get greater insight into my mind, what I was thinking and what those thoughts were creating. And since October, when my certification ended, I've continued to get coached quite regularly and I really cannot express how grateful I am for it. I would not have grown in my understanding and in my ability to live differently without coaching. It works and I am so proud to be part of a community that helps people live better lives in every way. In fact, I was coached just this morning and it increased my understanding of a concept I'm working on and it is still like multiple hours later blowing my mind. I am seeing a completely different way to look at things and it's amazing to me. 

19:33 

A second lesson, this podcast has been a huge part of my growth because as I've taken concepts that were speaking to me and as I've researched, listened, studied, and prayed for understanding, through these processes I've received guidance and direction in so many ways. Whether it was discussions with friends or my own personal spiritual enlightenment, mental clarity, and emotional healing, really studying these topics and exploring my own thoughts about them and getting it down on paper has been a very big part of my understanding and growth. Something about the slowing down and writing about it has opened a part of my brain that has brought a lot of clarity and understanding. And I now understand why we've been commanded to journal and why the thought downloads that I encourage you to do work so well because so much clarity comes when I'm doing those. 

20:28 

Lesson number three, I've learned that the more I know, the more I realize and understand that I don't know. And not just in mental and/or worldly knowledge. The more I grow spiritually into who I am, really capable of becoming, the more potential for growth I see in myself. And the layers of spiritual understanding of concepts and ideas of how to be more Christ like just keep coming. First, I learned more about love and then unconditional love, Christlike love. Then that layered into an understanding of my pride and my judgment that kept me from this love. And now it's starting to move into really embracing my worth completely independent of the things that I do. So expect some podcasts coming up on that in the very near future as I start working through this new layered idea of individual worth. It's all just a process, a continual process of growing up. There is always something God wants me to learn about myself and about how to live more in alignment with His love. 

21:35 

Lesson number four, I've learned to be patient and forgiving with myself. Five years ago, I was doing the best I knew how with what I knew. Ten years ago, the same. Twenty years ago, same. I've never ever tried to intentionally mess up my life or the lives of people I interact with, but I have. I've created situations that have been really messy and difficult for other people to manage. I've said and done hurtful things and I've messed up a lot and you know what? It's okay. I didn't do any of it on purpose. I'm a human having a human experience and part of this human experience is messing it up fifty percent of the time. Being patient with my ever increasing imperfections and forgiving myself for not doing it right all the time is a huge thing. Without patience and forgiveness, I would spiral down into a horrible place of despair. The hope in all of this is that The Atonement of Christ allows me to move from those dark places into the light. It allows me to turn from those hurtful behaviors into something that is healing. It allows me to grow and move forward, knowing that those things in my past are things that I need to learn from, and that I can be more in alignment with God from this point on. 

22:58 

And the fifth lesson is that I've learned that people are resilient. My sweet kids, when I spoke with them about what I recognized from my previous years of parenting, they were accepting, and kind, and forgiving, and they're now working through their own trauma from all of those years of learning to be better, and they're learning to be better humans because of it. No doubt they will make a lot of mistakes as they move forward into their lives, whatever they entail, but that's the nature of being a human. Messing up, getting up, and moving forward. If we can care for our mental health enough to continue to be able to get up when we fall down, we will always be moving forward. Resilience is a beautiful thing. Being a human is a beautiful thing. This 50-50, half the time I'm messing up and half the time I'm doing great, it's a beautiful, brilliant thing. 

24:01 

So, these last 15 months of podcasting have been some tough ones on a personal level of seeing myself more clearly. Seeing weaknesses I didn't know existed and seeing pain I didn't know that I'd caused. But also experiencing growth that I didn't know was available. And I wouldn't change this time for anything. I have grown up in so many ways. I feel I'm stronger. I feel I'm more aware, more submissive, and in a place that is more fulfilling than I've ever been before in my life. My relationships with my children have improved. I've stepped into my responsibility for these relationships, knowing what I'm responsible for and what I'm not. I know that regardless of what happens, how I show up by what I choose to think is the biggest thing. And if I can truly learn to judge less, to love more unconditionally, and to embrace and accept others for who they are and the path they are on, then not only will I create amazing feelings for myself of love and acceptance, but I will also create a space for others to reciprocate if they choose. And if they don't choose, then I can be okay with that as well because I know that it all starts with me. 

25:24 

Okay, this growing up gig. I love it so much. So much. Got a little emotional today as I look at growth that I've been through this last year and a bit. I'm so thankful for it because I understand myself better and I'm able to love more clean and really just give people the best part of me because I'm starting to see and understand the best part of me in a way that I never have before. So I wouldn't trade this growing up for anything. I know that there's this idea that especially as women, as we grow older, we should be really freaked out right because we start getting all this stuff, gray hairs and wrinkles and extra weight and hurting bodies and all this stuff. But I'll tell you what I would not trade it. I am loving every minute of it. Loving every minute of growing older and getting to this place of of greater self-awareness. I think it's beautiful. And I hope that you are having a similar experience. 

26:39 

Alright, if you want to talk about coaching and how it can help you get on my Facebook page, Tanya Hale LDS Life Coaching, or my website tanyahale.com, and you can contact me there. Actually, you can get right onto my calendar and sign up for a time that we can chat and talk about what coaching can do for you. It has changed my life so much in this time. Okay, so that's going to do it for me today. I wish you all the best. And I pray that your journey and your place of growing up you are finding to be just as fulfilling, just as painful, but just as growth producing. Alright, have an awesome, awesome day, my friends, and I'll talk to you next Monday. Bye. 

27:34 

Thank you so much for joining me today. If you would love to receive some weekend motivation, be sure to sign up for my free "weekend win" Friday email: a short and quick message to help you have a better weekend and position yourself for a more productive week. Go to tanyahale.com to sign up and learn more about life coaching and how it can help you get to your best self ever. See ya.